WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015Middleofnowhere, Scotland

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SPRING 2015 ISSUE 9 3/4

THE B

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Beware.

By B. R. Zurk

Wednesday Mar. 25 Wilson College senior Karlaigh Mori-arty had an extensive mental breakdown and caused se-vere damage to persons and property on the Wilson Col-lege campus. After fi ve years of completing a duel major with a triple minor her peers, professors and parents had high hopes for her to succeed. “I saw the whole thing,” says Bea D’Iyes ’19. “She hurled a chair through of one of the sci-ence center windows and set fi re to the chemistry labs. I bet she would have let the animals loose from the biology depart-ment and VMC if professors hadn’t tackled her down the stairs fi rst.” On top of the dam-ages sustained to the Harry R. Brooks Complex for Sci-ence, Mathematics and Tech-nology, Warfi eld, South and Riddle Hall were destroyed. “I broke my pinky. The doc-tor prescribed me medication that I’m probably going to get addicted to,” commented Mora Fine ’17. Luckily, a broken pin-ky and future drug addiction were the worst injuries. Other individuals sustained minor cuts and bruises in the attempt to get out of the line of fi re. Junior Candice B. Fureal ’16 says, “I can’t believe it. Kar-laigh always had a smile on her face and seemed happy.” Other students and faculty shared the same sentiments as they had spent time with Moriarty during and outside of class and said she was lev-el headed and polite, full of positive energy and creativity. However, there are many from the outside Chambersburg community who are outraged. “She’s going to Hell,” states Bill Zebub, a Chambersburg resident and member of the Overly Devout Order of the Holy

Trinity House of God’s Angels for Christ. “God has no place for crazy […]’s like her. Except for Lady GaGa. That chick can ride my disco stick any time.” A short interview with Mo-riarty allowed us to exam-ine the mind that caused the havoc and destruction. “I just got tired of people,” Moriarty ’15 tells reporters. “There’re people here, there’re people there, there’re people every-where. Up and down and all around. In the air and on the ground. In planes and cars. In libraries and bars. There’re people everywhere, I say. So I said to myself, ‘What the hey? Let’s go on a rampage.’” The disturbed Seussesque ramblings can only lead us to ask the following questions: Should today’s educators re-consider their teaching meth-ods? Are concepts such as One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish or Green Eggs and Ham too intense to teach in

schools? Are unholy theories such as two plus two equals fi ve causing the youth of to-day to commit terrible crimes? When further questioned on her cryptic answer Moriarty explained, “People lie. They cheat and they steal. There’s just no appeal. At least not for one whose sanity is surreal.” This incident seems to be the workings of a deranged socio-path whose constant negative interactions with people have led her to fl y over the cuckoo’s nest. It should stand as a les-son to everyone to be respect-ful and considerate of others lest there be more violence. There are many decisions to be made for the future of Wilson College. The adminis-tration will take into account the tragedy that occurred this past Wednesday to make the campus safe for students. In the meantime, students and faculty alike will mourn for their beloved college.

Stuff about stuff 2, 3 & 4

A Blast aft er LunchDragons in the LibraryMutant SerpantFormer Villians....Faculty?Wilson College BlacklistHorrorskopesFeline OverlordsPersonal Ads

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BILLBOARD STAFF Advisers: Dolores Umbridge and Severus Snape Editor-in-Chief: Who cares...he’s a Huffl epuff

Graphic Design and Layout Editor: Lord VoldemortStaff Contributers: SLYTHERIN HOUSE

Online Editor: Bellatrix LeStrange Work Study: Peter Pettigrew Cartoonist: Winky the House Elf

THE BULLBOARD KAMPUZ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 20152

EDITORIAL MISSION STATEMENTWE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES!

Local Man Launched into Space after Lunch

By

Last Wednesday, March 18, at approximately 1:00 p.m. an anonymous editor of a lo-cal publication that will re-main unnamed let loose such a heinous and accelerated pas-sage of excrement that he was blasted into the stratosphere. The afartmentioned individ-ual has not been seen since he disappeared with a brown twinkle in the afternoon sky. Though he has been smelt. Bystanders claim that the asstronaut had been com-plaining of a rumbling, grow-ing pain in his lower abdo-men for several hours before launch. Supposedly, the man ate quesadillas for lunch—an unfortunate miscalculation. Local authorities released a statement on the disruption the next day. Police name the

event “bizarre and frankly un-precedented.” Investigation into the strange occurrence is ongoing, though investiga-tors fear that the true cause of the monumental move-ment may never be discov-ered using current technology. “I’m confused and impressed, honestly,” says Casey Beidel ’13, Editor-in-Chief of the Wil-son Billboard and fl atulence enthusiast. “I wonder where he is now,” he says with reverence. Calculations estimate that given the trajectory of the hu-man projectile, considering the earth’s rotation and gravity and air turdulence, it is entire-ly possible that the individual broke through the planet’s at-mosphere and entered into outer space. In the case that the man did exit the planet’s gravitational pull, the speed

and direction may send the individual just outside of the gravity of Mars. That planet’s gravitational pull may send the person deeper into space, perhaps even slightly beyond Jupiter before he collides with another terrestrial body. For those concerned about their own safety, experts sug-gest steering clear of rice and beans, Mexican food and any other potentially “gastrologi-cally accelerating foodstuffs.” However, nutritionists confi rm that “it simply is not going to happen” to a “regular” indi-vidual. Habitually consuming healthy fruits and vegetables and exercising discrete gas passage is recommended. Services are available for those affected by what the me-dia calls “sudden butt-blast disorder.” Private restrooms

are available at Wilson upon request and reservation. Wil-son students are not alone in this issue, and there is no need for the problem to build up to such extremes for any other people in this commu-nity. To get help taking the pressure off, call the Gastric Relief Anti-Launch Hotline toll-free: 1-800-NO-NASSA.

By Fartmaster McPigFarts

The escape of a basilisk from its enclosure in South Hall last month has kept the campus community on edge

for weeks. However, a re-cent sighting of the beast in the basement of Riddle Hall has administrators believ-ing that the snake is simply seeking the comforts of home.

Associate Professor of Zool-ogy, Anthropology, and As-trology, Dr. Fryer Burned, claims she is convinced that the creature poses no threat to students, faculty or staff

despite an increase in the number of snake bites be-ing reported to the infi rmary. Turn to page 394 for further updates on this developing sto-ry. Or not. It’s just a basalisk.

Students Urged to use Constant Vigilantce: Mutant SerpentBy Desi Gruntled

The John Stewart Memo-rial Library construction halted March 31th after trem-ors shook the campus to the core. Workers were told to go home and stay there forever. The initial announcement left many questions. “I won-dered what made them stop,” said Sarah Longbottom ’17. Longbottom went on to note, “There wasn’t an earthquake. I think.” The construction company remarked on the cause of the damage later that day. Their offi cial statement

claimed that “electrical issues” had come up in recent tests.“Electrical damages? Are they crazy?” remarked Nev-ille Lovegood ’15. “Do they think we’re daft?” Several students voiced complaints over the obvious misinfor-mation fed to the public. The structural integrity of the library was compromised in the event. Cracks have also appeared on the side of Warf-ield Hall. It was not until the culprit of the damage stepped forward and commented on what happened that the

Wilson campus truly knew the extent of the problem. A disgruntled, and frankly angry, Norwegian Ridgeback named George seemed to be the cause of the damage. George commented on the incident claiming that, “I was minding my own business—sleeping, mind you—when I was jolted awake.” When asked how he had remained undisturbed throughout the remodeling process he remarked, “Sure, I heard the construction, but I just stuffed dirt up my ears. Shocking me? That was

just cruel. Of course I’d wake up.” Construction workers deny seeing George and still claim no fault in the accident. George angrily stated, “They’re just lucky I’m not a Horntail. I was courteous enough not to burn down every building here.” He continued by saying, “If they don’t apol-ogize. No, if they don’t grovel and beg my forgiveness I might not be so kind in the morning.” News of George reached ad-ministrators, but there is no word yet if they have rectifi ed the situation.

By The Keeper of the Keys at Wilson

Dragons and Libraries and Delays, Oh My!What’s this cow doing here?

THE BULLBOARD OPINION WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 3

HorrorskopesAries (March 21-April 20)

Beware of the universe, for she is out to get you. If you want to avoid the terrible fate coming your way, we suggest cuddling an alligator or sacrificing your left shoe to the

gods

Taurus (April 21-May 21)It gets better. We promise. Treat yourself to a night of cookie dough and romantic com-edies. Want to win bonus points with Karma? Go around and give everyone wearing blue

shoes a hug. Trust us, it’s science.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)You’re crazy and that’s okay, most people can deal with it. However, there is going to be some-one soon who cannot handle the crazy. The horoscope gods give you permission to bite your

thumb at them. Do it.

Cancer ( June 22-July 23)Keep smiling, seriously those pearly whites will blind your enemies and then you shall have victory. The peas-ants will bow down to you and you will have the respect you have always desired…as long as you give up choc-olate for the rest of your life. We understand this is a

tough decision.

Leo ( July 24-August 23)Refrain from murder this week. We know this is hard, but the universe is not on your side. You will get caught. We suggest taking up a hobby like painting with the blood of your enemies or

knitting sweaters from their hair.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)You’re going to pass that exam! YAY! You’re also going to fall down the rabbit hole and be forced to stop a civil war in Wonderland. No pressure, but if you don’t do this all of space and time might implode and it will be your

fault. Good luck.

Libra (September 24-October 23) We are sorry to inform you that this week is going to be the best one of your life. Think that sounds great? Think again. That means from here on out, no matter what you do, nothing will be better than this one week. Have fun...

Scorpio (October 24-November 22) A strange man with a bowtie will approach you and tell you to run. It is very important you listen. And don’t blink. Blink and you die. Space is a wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing

anyways. Geronimo.

Sagittarius (November 23-Dec 22)You’re going to come into a lot of money this week. Sure, a man in a ski mask is going to throw you said money, but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Take it and run.

Your car can outrun the cruisers, we’re sure.

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20) Walk out the door exactly fifty paces. Look up at the sky, raise your hands and praise the gods. Promise them your first child or whatever else it is they desire. You are the only hope of ending this eternal winter.

Do not let us down.

By Mrs. Norris They have fi nally done it. The barn cats have offi cially completed their secret mis-sion to control the oasis by the name of “THE BARN”. Evil masterminds George, Jelly, Barbosa, Norman, and Bugs have been working on this plan for the past few years. Slowly they have been lowering the guards of students, staff and, most terrifyingly, our very own horses. Yes you read that right, even our horses have fallen susceptible to furry little balls of evil. Our horses have agreed to be their minions and act as weapons should the humans retaliate. Over-night they installed numer-ous cameras and microphones

around campus in the name of spying on human behav-ior, until the munchkins have fi gured out every inch of us. George and Bugs have been acting as the main buffers, in-teracting with the barn staff and gaining their trust. Very quickly they gained access to the main offi ce and computer records. Norman took the stu-dent route, following us to our dorms, secretly hanging in parlors and eventually gain-ing access to the VMC through expert ceiling climber, Bella. Once inside the VMC Nor-man managed to gain the trust of the cats within, who then worked together to bring the dogs under their control, act-ing as messengers in their dai-

ly walks around campus. I fear even our pets have been in-fected through this secret lan-guage of evil. Right-hand man to the mastermind is Jelly. She has been watching silently and occasionally interacting when the boss commanded it. Now who might this evil overlord be? None other than Barbosa the pirate himself! Having grown tired of the food left in his dish, his aspirations have moved higher than reach-ing the top of the hay pile to taking over the very humans who have served him. Now he is determined to change Wil-son from co-ed to co-animal. My sources have chosen to remain anonymous for fear of their life. “I overheard them

talking by the sawdust pile about elimination tactics for anyone who dares defy them or owns a laser pointer. They say there will be daily offers of yarn and catnip.” As I lay my life on the line to bring you this story, Bugs has walked past my dorm-room window three times now hoping to catch me in the act. I fear that once this is published my name will be mysteriously wiped from the records, teachers will sud-denly cease to know my name, and my desk chair will sit ee-rily empty in the classroom collecting cobwebs. My dear-est classmates, remember me when I am gone and try to prepare for this disaster-ously adorable cat-tastrophy.

Wilson Campus: Bow Down Humans to Your Feline Overlords

Super awesome mega foxy hot to-tally awesome woman-child looking for the following man:1. 6’2” or taller2. Ginger (or dyable hair)3. Jewish (or willing to convert)4. Abs5. Be willing to provide a mini-

mum of three (3) horses to lady-friend.

6. Former cowboy, now veterinar-ian.

7. British or Irish accent8. *Or Neville Longbottom

25-35-25 Slim International Student searching for soul mate. Requirements: U.S. citizen-ship, common sense, hair, and ability to bake. Must be tall or short. Must be looking for a commitment, ideally marriage. Must be willing to commit within the next two months before I leave the states.

*Baking and hair is optional.

ISO Horse Loving Marine Searching for the perfect match! You should be a marine (obviously!) (If you aren’t….stop reading this and get your life together), between 23-32 years old, and over six feet. Animal lover is a must. NON-NEGOTIABLE! You should laugh in the face of danger. My cats may (will) attack your toes without warning. My dog will take you out at the knees. My horse expects apples and carrots and non-compliers are bound to get a hoof to the face. Still reading this? Great! If you drive a crappier car, you will not pass go! You should be happy with couch marathons of “Supernatu-ral,” “Archer,” “The Blacklist,” “Leverage” and many more. Bench pressing ability of 200 pounds or more a plus. :D If interested email allabouthatbass@bowchickabowwow.com

Aquarius ( Jan 21- Feb 19)We know you’re sad you never got your Hog-warts letter. We believe in you. Pack up your things and move to the UK. Become the wizard you were always meant to be. We support your

decision.

Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 20) You are Divergent. You cannot be controlled. All of these horoscopes are your fate. You’re go-

ing to be very busy.

THE BULLBOARD KAMPUSS WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 20154

Former Villains: New Identities as College FacultyBy Desi Gruntled A recent investigation has revealed a shocking discovery that has many community members outraged and stu-dents tweeting, “OMG! WTF?!?” Suspicions mounted early last month when a work-study student in the Biology de-partment was rushed to the local hospital unconscious af-ter encountering a basket of apples in the faculty lounge. “Like, OMG. They were just so red and shiny,” said Bliz-zard Blanca ’16. “I hadn’t, like, eaten anything since the night before and, like, I just had to have one. I thought they were, like, samples or something from the new GMO apple trees they’re working on in the green-house to make the horses fl y.” Extensive testing of the ap-ples in question revealed that they contained high levels of Ambien, Lunesta, and Nyquil. Investigators linked the dis-covery of the poisoned apples with another incident that occurred in January that in-volved a drama student who fell ill while sewing costumes for an upcoming production.

“I remember pricking my fi n-ger on the needle of the ma-chine,” said Bella Nod ’17, yawning. “Then I woke up in the hospital surround-ed by fairies and woodland creatures. It was horrible.” Trace amounts of the pre-viously-noted substances had been found on the needle to which Nod had succumbed. In each of the above instanc-es, only the kiss of a worthy prince could rouse the vic-tims—a search made much easier given the school’s recent transition to a coed institution. “If it hadn’t been for what’s-his-name, I may not be here,” said Blanca. “I’m totes a feminist and all, but this time I literally needed a ran-dom dude to save my life.” Though there has been no indication that other at-tacks are imminent, admin-istrators remain concerned and on heightened alert. “What we have here is a seri-ous threat to our students and the entire campus community,” said Jeff Far, Adviser to the President. “I simply cannot say anything more as this is an on-

going investigation; however I have thoroughly convinced the entire administration to heed my guidance. Strange things are afoot.” (Afoot? Really? Who uses that word anymore?) However, many faculty members fear that this is only another tactic by outside par-ties to promote further sepa-ration between professors and students…or something like that. I’m really not sure at this point how any of this is rel-evant news, but hey! I’m only the lowly police beat reporter! “Poor unfortunate souls,” said Dr. Ersa Loctopus, Asso-ciate Professor of Marine Biol-ogy. “Though I do sympathize with their plight, I fi nd it egre-giously detrimental to the har-mony of this institution that these voices continue to paint the faculty in a bad light.”Many students, on the other hand, feel that these lat-est developments have fur-ther validated their feel-ings about some of the faculty members on campus.“I knew it!” said G. Aston Brute, captain of the wres-tling team, basketball team,

archery, and just about ev-erything else. Kinda pathetic actually. “I kept telling every-one that my professors were evil, but no one believed me. I mean seriously—the amount of reading they give us every night, the impossible pop quiz-zes. How could anyone believe otherwise? I say we storm the fortress and take back our school! Who’s with me?!?”Ella Ashe ‘17 agrees.“Do you have any idea how hard Professor Tremaine works her work-study students? I’m con-stantly sweeping up after that woman, taking her laundry to the cleaners, and basically waiting on her and her two interns hand and foot. I doubt I’ll even have a chance to go to Spring Fling at this rate.”Though most professors were too busy or unwilling to submit to an interview, newly-hired fencing coach Jonathan Hook spoke candidly as he readied his model pirate ship in the Conn.“I feel it is, indeed, bad form to jump to conclusions,” Hook said. “Though, as I have learned time and again, a crocodile is a crocodile.”

April 1, 1888, the Wilson College Oversight Committee was founded to secretly govern the student body. Through an anonymous source the Wilson Billboard has been granted exclusive access into the in-ner workings of the elusive group through an anonymous source, “Buck Master,” by re-vealing the current top fi ve assailants. Each member on the list has a code name al-though the alleged co-presi-dents of the Oversight Com-mittee, Shoshana and Caitlyn, deny the validity of the list. 1. The Master: Ex-tremely dangerous and fond of French Onion dip. No recent photo has been captured. She is linked to countless crimes, starting in 1999 with the ac-

quisition of dental services for her equine partner in crime. Reward offered for credible in-formation on her whereabouts.2. The Apprentice: The most recent graduate of the Master. Last seen attempting to take over a large scale op-eration. Commonly seen with an unknown accomplice on the weekends and is believed they are working towards a hostile take-over in the future. She is easily distracted by teal and black plaid. Reward for in-formation leading to capture. 3. The Huntress: Stands at 16 hands, 11 years old, and extremely sassy. This mare has reached the number three spot for her unwillingness to work and penchant for pretending to be a kite in the winter. She is a suspect in the latest school horse break-out which lead to

an all-night equine rager. 4. The Southern Belle: Stands at 14’2 hands, 8 years old, and was last seen trotting away at high speed from the Cook Arena. She was last seen sporting black tack and has distinctive stars on her hindquar-ters. If seen, do not at-tempt to capture. If you value your limbs, call 191. 5. Thing 1 & Thing 2: This dastardly duo ter-rorizes the community utilizing secret deals and sabotage to for their gains. They emerge at dusk us-ing the night as a cover for their underground hay smuggling ring. Information on this pair is thin, but maintain vigilance for any illicit activity. Other codenames on the list

included IP Overload, Purse-dog-lover, and Overworked & Unreliable. Go to page, 314, for more information.

By %50 Chocolate, %50 Horse Hair

Current mug shot of the elusive “Southern Belle.”

The Updated and Current Wilson College Blacklist