2 BROKE GIRLS

"And the Girl Who Lost Her Appetite"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. DINER - DAY

Caroline walks up to a table where JACKIE (25) and COLLIN(25, clean shaven, long hair) are seated.

CAROLINEMay I take your orders?

JACKIECaroline?

Caroline looks at Jackie, and seems startled.

CAROLINEUh. No.

JACKIENo what?

CAROLINENo, Im not Caroline.

JACKIEYoure not>

CAROLINENo. Im... Flo.

JACKIEFlo?

Han walks up to the table.

HANCaroline. Sorry to interrupt, butsomeone just spilled some lemonade,and theres a puddle right underyou.

Max is near them.

MAXOh. Thats what that yellow liquidis. I thought maybe Caroline justgot too lazy to walk to therestroom.

HANEarl. Can you come here and mopthis up?

2.

EARLI work the cash register. Im not apee-pee mopper.

HANIts not pee-pee. Its lemonade.

(to Jackie and Collin)Once again, sorry to interrupt. Andsorry you had to hear the word"pee-pee."

(to Caroline)Caroline, you may continue takingtheir order.

CAROLINE(in Southern accent)

Im not Caroline. Im Flo.

MAXAs in flow of urine?

HANCaroline. Take their orders.

CAROLINE(in Southern accent)

Han. ... Kiss my grits.

HANI will not kiss your grits,Caroline!

CAROLINE(Southern accent)

Flo.

HAN(to Max)

Max--please stop giving Carolineyour hallucinogens. Now she thinksher name is Flo, and she wants meto kiss her grits.

MAXHan. ... Kiss my grits.

Han and Max walk away.

JACKIESo Caroline. Do you remember me?

3.

CAROLINEUh. Im kind of high onhallucinogens right now.

JACKIEIm Jackie Smith.

CAROLINEI dont know any Jackie Smiths. MayI take your order?

JACKIEWe went to high school together.

CAROLINEWell. I was high on hallucinogensduring high school. May I take yourorder?

JACKIEYou parked your Mercedes next tomine in the parking lot, and youstole my boyfriend during chemistryclass.

CAROLINEExcuse me. That is not true. Idrove a BMW. And I didnt stealyour boyfriend during chemistryclass.

JACKIERight. It was history class. So, Isee youre putting your diploma togood use as a waitress. Do youdrive here every morning in yourBMW, or do you take the bus withyour new boyfriend the pee-peemopper?

CAROLINE... Kiss my grits.

JACKIEExcuse me?

CAROLINEI said, may I take your order?

JACKIENo thanks. I lost my appetite.

Max is near them again.

4.

MAXBecause of the pee-pee?

JACKIENo.

(looks at Caroline)Because of the waitress.Collin--lets go.

COLLIN(to Caroline)

Bye.

JACKIEDont talk to her!

They leave.

INT. MAX AND CAROLINES APARTMENT - DAY

CAROLINE(mocking Jackie)

"No. Because of the waitress." Canyou believe her?!

MAXRelax. She didnt lose her appetitebecause of you. It was definitelybecause of the pee-pee.

CAROLINEShe thinks I stole her boyfriend inhigh school.

MAXDid you?

CAROLINEMax. Weve been best friends forover three years. You know Im notthe type to steal boyfriends.

MAXCaroline. Weve been best friendsfor over three years. Ive seen yousteal husbands.

CAROLINEYou know thats not true. And asfor Jackies boyfriend, I did notsteal him. I dated him way afterhe broke up with Jackie.

5.

MAXHow "after" is way after?

CAROLINEWay after. She broke up with himduring third period, and I startedseeing him during fifth period.Thats two periods.

MAXSpeaking of two periods, our twoperiods are coming up, and wereout of tampons.

CAROLINEThe point is, I dated her boyfriendafter their breakup, and Ill buysome tampons tomorrow.

MAXThe point is, theres no point inyou obsessing over what happened atthe diner. Nothing importanthappened. You served food, somegirl talked a little trash, youpeed on the floor, and you camehome.

CAROLINEIt was lemonade.

Sophie walks in.

SOPHIEHi girls. Can I use your bathroom?My toilets broken, and I have topee pee.

MAXJust pee pee on the floor, the wayCaroline does.

CAROLINEIt was lemonade.

Sophie walks into the bathroom.

CAROLINE(to Max)

I should go to where Jackie works,and let her know how she makes melose my appetite.

6.

MAXI dont know about that. Thats howthe whole east coast west coast hiphop feud started. Some east coastrapper dissed a west coast rapper,and then the west coast rapper toldthe east coast rapper, "You make melose my appetite, bitch!"

SOPHIE (O.S)Yes!

Max and Caroline stare at the door, and then resume theirconversation.

CAROLINEWell. I guess youre right, Max.

SOPHIE (O.S)Yes!

Max and Caroline once again stare at the door, and thencontinue talking to each other.

MAXYeah. I am right. What were wetalking about again?

CAROLINEJackie.

SOPHIE (O.S)Yes!

Sophie opens the door and walks out of the bathroom.

CAROLINESophie. What were you doing inthere?

SOPHIEOh--I was just playing Candy Crush.

MAXOn your phone, or on your vagina?

7.

INT. DINER - DAY

Caroline walks to a table, and sees Collin sitting therealone.

COLLINHi.

CAROLINEHi. Youre Jackies boyfriend,right?

COLLINYeah.

CAROLINEIs she here? Because I havesomething to tell her about hermaking me lose my appetite.

COLLINShes not here.

CAROLINEOK. Can I take your order?

COLLIN(flirtatiously)

Oh yeah. I want one order ofCaroline. A la mode. Hot. Andnaked. In my bed.

CAROLINEUm. Is Caroline a slang term forpie?

COLLINNo. Its a slang term for "I wantto have sex with Caroline."

CAROLINEWhat?

COLLINWhen I saw you yesterday, it waslove at first sight.

CAROLINESo you came back here and orderedme a la mode, naked in yourbed? Wow. How romantic, Romeo.

8.

COLLINActually, my name is Collin. Whotold you it was Romeo?

CAROLINEWilliam Shakespeare.

COLLINI dont know him. Wait--is he thatChinese guy who works at Pep Boys?

CAROLINENo. Youre thinking of Mark Twain.

COLLIN... I want you, Caroline. And youknow you want me.

CAROLINEId really rather have pie.

COLLINWell. Even if you dont want me,you should sleep with me anyways,just to get back at Jackie.

CAROLINEIll bet you say that to all thegirls.

COLLINNo. Just you. Youre really specialto me. Lets have sex.

CAROLINEWow. Another classic Shakespeareline.

COLLINForget about Shakespeare. Who caresabout some loser who works at PepBoys?

CAROLINEWhere do you work?

COLLINWhole Foods Market, baby. Im incharge of the gluten free aisle.

CAROLINEWow. I am so turned on right now.

9.

COLLINNow youre talking my language.Keep talking, baby.

CAROLINECan you please leave now?

COLLINListen, baby. I can be the secondboyfriend you steal from Jackie.The second notch on your belt.

CAROLINENo. Youll be the firstnotch--because I didnt stealJackies boyfriend in high school.

COLLINFirst notch, second notch--thepoint is, we should have sexrepeatedly.

CAROLINE... OK.

COLLINGreat. When you get off work?

CAROLINELets do it here--in the ladiesroom.

COLLINNow youre really speaking mylanguage.

CAROLINEWhy dont you go in there andreserve the middle stall--and Illbe with you in a minute.

COLLINWell. Can you, like, check to seeif someones in the ladies room?

CAROLINEWhy? If someones in there, we canhave a threesome.

COLLINRight. Well--that might take somesweet talking, but I guess Illgive it a shot.

10.

He walks to the ladies room.

CAROLINEOleg--some woman wants to have sexwith you in the ladies room. Sheswaiting for you.

OLEGOK. Which stall?

CAROLINEMiddle stall.

He walks to the ladies room. He walks out ten seconds later.

OLEGShe wasnt really my type. I mean,she doesnt even shave her armpits.

Close up on a clock. Cut to ten minutes later.

Collin walks out of the ladies room.

COLLIN(to Caroline)

I just spent ten minutes in aladies room stall, It smells likepee-pee--and also, I got to secondbase with

(points to Oleg)that bearded guy over there.

Oleg sees Collin.

OLEGShave your armpits.

COLLIN(to Caroline)

The good news is, I broke my recordat Candy Crush.

CAROLINECollin--Im so hot for you rightnow.

COLLINYeah. Tell me something I dontknow.

CAROLINEAre you sure you know anything? Imean, you think William Shakespearechanges tires at Pep Boys.

11.

COLLINLets go back to talking about howyoure hot for me.

CAROLINERight. Im so hot for you. Go tothe ladies room again. Ill bethere in a minute.

COLLINHow about we just do it right here?

The camera changes to reveal Jackie standing right behindCaroline and Collin.

JACKIEHow about you do what right where?!

CAROLINE(to Jackie)

You make me lose my appetite!

JACKIEWhat are you doing here with myman?!

CAROLINEWhat do you mean what am I doinghere? Im working here.

JACKIEAs what? A prostitute?

HANCaroline--why are you standingaround chatting with people? Dosome work. In this business, timeis money.

JACKIE(to Caroline)

Let me guess. Hes your pimp.

CAROLINEHan.

(in Southern accent)Kiss my grits.

Jackie notices Collin walking out the door.

JACKIECollin. Where are you going?

12.

COLLINOh. I was just gonna get some air.

JACKIEStay! Turn around!

He turns around.

MAX(to Collin)

Roll over.

JACKIECollin. Are you sleeping with her?

COLLINWhat? No! I just, I just came hereand ordered some pie. And then shestarted talking dirty to me.

JACKIEI knew it!

CAROLINEYou knew what?

COLLIN(to Jackie)

She wanted to have sex with me inthe ladies room, and I was alllike, "How dare you!" Yeah. Shetreated me like a piece of meat.

CAROLINEYou treated me like a piece of pie.You ordered me a la mode.

JACKIEWhy would Collin be interested inyou when he has me?

CAROLINEI dont know. Why was Tominterested in me when he had you?

JACKIESo you admit that you stole Tom!

CAROLINEThats not what I meant.

13.

MAX(to Han)

Arent you gonna tell Caroline toget back to work?

HANNo. This is getting good.

CAROLINE(to Jackie)

Ive never stolen any boyfriendsfrom anyone.

Chef Nicolas walks in.

NICOLASCaroline. I divorced my wife. Nowwe can be together.

CAROLINENot now, Nicolas! Im in the middleof something.

(to Jackie)You make me lose my appetite.

INT. MAX AND CAROLINES APARTMENT - DAY

CAROLINE(mocking Jackie)

"As what? A prostitute?" Ughh! Canyou believe her?!

MAXCan you believe yourself!Caroline--who cares if that girlthinks youre a boyfriend thief?

CAROLINEI care!

MAXWhy?

CAROLINEI dont know. I gotta track downTom, so he can set the recordstraight.

MAXIs Tom the boyfriend you stole?

14.

CAROLINEI didnt steal him, Max! You makeme lose my appetite!

MAXWhat?

CAROLINESorry. I just got a little carriedaway.

MAXSo youre gonna drop this wholething?

CAROLINENo. Im gonna bring Tom into this.Ill message him on Facebook.

MAXCant we just take somehallucinogens instead? That way,you can see Tom right here--plus,hell be playing the banjo on topof a magic dragon.

CAROLINENo--because Jackie wont see Tomthat way.

MAXWell, just invite her over here toget high with us.

INT. DINER - DAY

TOM (28, new age look) walks in.

TOMCaroline.

CAROLINEHi, Tom.

They hug.

TOMWow. Its so good to see you. Letme just take it all in.

He stares at her for a few seconds.

15.

CAROLINEUh. Are you just gonna stare...

TOMIm taking in the essence rightnow.

He continues to stare.

CAROLINEOK. Do you want me to just standhere?

TOMNo. I need you to stand there, andI need you to be Caroline.

CAROLINEAs opposed to who? Flo?

TOMShhh.

He stares for a few more seconds.

TOMOK.

CAROLINESo, uh, sit down.

TOMGladly.

He sits at a table, and she sits down across from him.

TOMWhen I got your message onFacebook, my soul was doingsomersaults.

CAROLINEOh. Um. Well. I didnt know yoursoul was so, um, acrobatic.

TOMCaroline, Caroline, Caroline.

HAN... Uh. What, what, what?

16.

TOMYoure just as charming as you werethe day I last saw you.

CAROLINEYeah. So are you. But, uh, youvechanged a little since then.

TOMOh really? How so?

CAROLINEWell. Back then, you were, like, ajock, and you drove a BMW, and youwanted to be a real estate mogul.And now, you, um... do you drive aBMW?

TOMI drive a Lumeneo Neoma electricvehicle.

(chants)Om yo nahayo beho yepah.

CAROLINEUm. Are you still telling me thename of the car?

TOMNo. I was just chanting a littlesomething I learned from a Nepalesegoat herder named Linjeejay.

Max walks up to them.

MAXMay I take your orders?

(to Caroline)Wait a second. You looks familiar.Did I go to high school with you?

CAROLINENo, Max. Im your coworkerCaroline.

MAXRight. Is this the guy you weretelling me about?

CAROLINEYes. This is Tom. Tom--this is mybest friend Max.

17.

MAXHi.

TOMNamaste. Did you know your aurareally matches the color of youruniform?

MAX(to Caroline)

Um. Are you sure this is the guy?

CAROLINEWell. I think so. I mean, heanswers to the name Tom.

TOMWell. Nowadays, I usually answer tothe name Wakanapakanosho. ItsCherokee forHe-Who-Embraces-the-Embrace.

MAXWell, Wakanapikanachu. Im Max.Thats Navajo forShe-Who-Thinks-Youre-Full-of-Crap.Anyways--enjoy your meal.

Max walks to another table.

CAROLINEYeah. So. I take it youre not areal estate mogul.

TOMNo. I embraced a different path. Irun a company that manufacturesgluten free pasta.

CAROLINEOh. Small world. I just met a guywho runs the gluten free aisle atWhole Foods Market.

TOMYes, well--alas, the world isntthat small. I dont allow WholeFoods Market to stock my glutenfree pasta. Its a long story--butlets just say that Im notthrilled with Whole Foods Marketspolicies on cranberry juicemixation.

18.

CAROLINERight. Yeah. Im very anticran-apple.

Han walks up to them.

HANUh. Good afternoon, Caroline. May Iget you and your friend some coffeeto start? Oh--and if youre not tobusy, can you also get off your assand wait on table 8?

CAROLINEUm. One second, Han. I just need todeal with something first.

HANFine. By the way, Caroline. Kiss mygrits.

Han walks away.

CAROLINEAnyways. I brought you down here toclear something up. Remember JackieSmith from high school?

TOMAh, yes. Very nice girl. Well.Maybe not nice. But, uh, shecertainly was full of spunk.

CAROLINEShes full of something else.Listen, Tom.

TOMPlease. Call me Wakanapakanosho.

CAROLINEOK. Listen, Wakanapakasnosho. Whenyou and I started dating--that wasafter you dated Jackie, right? Imean, I didnt steal you from her.

TOMWell. To be honest, that particularportion of my life is a littlehazy, on account of the fact that Idropped acid regularly.

19.

CAROLINEBut, I didnt steal you from her.You had two periods between yourrelationship with her and yourrelationship with me.

TOMCaroline. Dont be ridiculous. Ididnt menstruate in high school. Idont menstruate, period. No punintended.

CAROLINERegardless of who menstruates, Ididnt steal you from Jackie.

Han walks up to them again.

HANCaroline. Table 8 is waiting.

CAROLINE(to Tom)

Wait here for a second.

Caroline walks up to a MALE DINER and FEMALE DINER seated atanother table.

CAROLINEHi. What can I get you?

MALE DINERUh. Ill have the spaghetti.

FEMALE DINERHoney. Youre not supposed to haveany gluten. Thats the first ruleof the diet.

CAROLINEOh, the hell with the diet!

(to Male Diner)Just have some gluten. Have a bigbowl of gluten. OK? Gluten is justfood. Its not like drinking a bowlof pee pee. Have some spaghetti.With gluten.

MALE DINERUm. OK.

20.

CAROLINE(to Female Diner)

And for you?

FEMALE DINERI guess Ill have the spaghetti,too.

CAROLINEExcellent choice.

Caroline walks over to Oleg and hands him her ticket, andthen she walks back to Toms table and sits down.

CAROLINEAnyways, we were talking about howIm not a boyfriend stealer.

Jackie walks into the diner and sees them.

JACKIEWhat the hell is going on here?

TOMJackie. Wow. Its so good to seeyou. Namaste.

JACKIE(to Caroline)

You messaged me and said you wantedto apologize. And now youregetting hot and heavy with the manyou stole from me.

(to Tom)(confused)

... Namaste?

CAROLINEWere not hot and heavy. I broughtyou here to clear something up. Yousee, I didnt steal Tom from you.

(to Tom)Tell her, Tom.

TOM(chants)

Om yo nahayo beho yepah.

JACKIE(to Caroline)

What did you do to Tom?

21.

CAROLINEThats just the new Tom.

TOMYou mean Wakanapakanosho.

CAROLINERight. Yeah.

(to Jackie)Thats just Wakanapakanosho.Formerly known as Tom. He embraceda different path.

JACKIEWhats so different about it? Itsstill a path to your vagina!

CAROLINENo its not.

Max is standing by and listening in.

MAX(to Jackie)

And let me tell you somethingelse. You make me lose myappetite, bitch!

Han walks up to them.

HANCaroline. Table 9 is waiting foryour order.

JACKIE(to Max)

Who are you calling a bitch!

HANUm. I see you all are busy. Illtake table 9s order.

Han just stand there.HAN

Ill take their order later. Thisis getting good.

MAX(to Jackie)

The point is, Caroline didnt stealyour boyfriend. And even if shedid, she didnt steal him so much

(MORE)

22.

MAX (contd)as she rescued him from yourtrifling little ass. Westside!

JACKIEWestside?

MAXSorry. I just got caught up in thewhole east coast west coast hip hopfeud.

JACKIEWell. Im taking my man back.

(stands up)(to Tom)

Get up, Tom.

TOMThe name is Wakanapakanosho

JACKIEI said get up Tom.

He stands up. She kisses him passionately on the lips.

JACKIE(to Caroline)

Now what do you have to say aboutthat?

CAROLINENothing.

HANI think you were supposed to say,

(imitates a sassy black woman)"Not with my man you didnt!

TOM(to Jackie)

Well. Ive got something to sayabout that kiss.

JACKIEWhat?

He kisses her back.

JACKIEWhoa. Uh.

23.

TOMJackie. Watching you yell atpeople--it just, it made me realizethat youre the girl I want. And italso made me realize that Im gonnatrade in my electric vehicle andget a BMW, with chrome wheels, andplenty of gluten.

JACKIEOh, Tom!

They kiss again.

MAXOh, brother.

TOMLets go back to the way thingswere, before Caroline broke usapart.

CAROLINEI did not break you apart!

TOMSure you did. You know. When youstole me from her.

CAROLINEYou were high on acid! What thehell do you know?

TOMI know that Jackie is the one forme.

(to Jackie)Come on, baby. Lets go.

Tom and Jackie walk out.

CAROLINE(to Max)

What just happened?MAX

Uh. Well. Lets just say that weshould change Jackies name toWakancharikazard. Thats Cherokeefor"The-Bitch-Who-Just-Stole-Your-Boyfriend."