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Wake Up and Get the Joke Since beginning or third year The Vent has been threatened with the possibility of legal action from The Caller Times regarding our ‘Best of the Best’ issue. There have also been rumors that Mayoral Can-didate Joe Adame has consulted an attorney concern-ing our ‘Adame believes himself immortal’ issue. Not more than two weeks ago, a lawyer representing Lt. Sepulveda of the CCPD called me, because we coincidentally used the same name in our ‘Beach Nudity’ article. CCPOA counsel informed me that the Lieutenant will now be subject to ridicule from subor-dinates, and we should print a retraction and apology. I directed him to our disclaimer on page 3. I understand that some of you may not remember the ‘Beach Nudity’ article in question so in the interest of full-disclosure, I feel it necessary to run it again here and now. CCPD on High Alert for Beach NudityWith record numbers expected to flock to area beaches this year, CCPD is taking ev-ery precaution to make sure that visitors remain cordial and law abiding.Corpus Christi greatly depends on fines paid by spring breakers in order to sustain the local economy. This year, aside from the millions of dollars gained through DUI fines, the city also hopes to issue around ten thousand citations for indecent exposure. Interim Police Chief Mike Walsh, who is widely known as a ‘never-nude’, spoke at a press conference on Monday. “Nudity is a nuisance”, Walsh proclaimed, “a man’s pumpernickel, and a young ladies nether-lips should never be found on display on our city’s fine beaches. In order to curb these violations, I am putting in place two new units within the CCPD; the Putang Patrol and the Meat Beat.” Walsh also noted that he would be promoting several officers to the rank of Titective. Since his announcement, the Chief, has received hundreds of death threats form young men all over the area. One anonymous spring breaker said, “The meat beat should bust the police chief, cause that guys a dick.”Officers have expressed a great concern to follow Chief Walsh’s orders and discover every instance of public nudity that may be plaguing our coast. Some CCPD officers are even volunteering there time to patrol our shores. Newly promoted, Titective Sepulveda was one of the first to hit the beach. “I think I have always been a titective at heart,” he said proudly, “ sometimes exposed breast are all I can think about. With this new initiative from Chief Walsh, I finally feel like I have found my true purpose in law enforcement.”

P.S. This has nothing to do with the fact that I was not invited to the CCPOA City Council forum, and subsequently did not receive their endorsement in what has be-come a heated city council race for district 2.

If you would like to be a part of The Vent movement, contact The Vent at 361-549-6213 or [email protected] or myspace.com/theventnation.

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V

An open letter to the woman in the white car at Sonic on Ayers, March 29, 3:45 p.m.:

You nearly ran me down in an over-eager attempt to get to the Sonic on Ay-ers today. Not that you care, but I had my two kids with me. You could have killed us all, just because you live in the projects, your boyfriend is screw-ing someone else, your mama is on crack, you don’t know who the father of your 5th baby is, and you were seri-ously jonesing for some cherry lime-ade. Well, excuse the fuck out of me. I got your license plate number, and I’m a regular at that particular establish-ment. Next time you’re gettin’ a han-kering for some tots, you’d best be on the look out for me: it’s gonna be war, bitch.

Sincerely,The woman behind you in the white Mercedes

Dear Vent Readers: We here at your n u m b e r 1 news s t a t i o n wanted to clear up some things regarding our possible re-moval from Time-Warner’s program-ming. A representative from the cable giant stated in a recent interview that contract renewal negotiations between us were going well until we made some unreasonable demands. Here are the demands; do they look unreasonable to you? 1. Give us first dibs on three “emp-ty” channels. As far as we know, no other stations are interested in them, and we really are looking forward to some cutting-edge programming we are developing with our producers. Some ideas tossed around: “My Big Fat New Orleans Wedding with Katia Uriarte,” a 24-hour a day reality show counting down our main gal’s prepa-rations for the big day; “Keeping Up with the Gazins,” another reality show with Joe, Amy, and familia; “Why They Keep Running Away,” real-time pseudo docu-drama about an evening news team trying to find the perfect producer. 2. Free cable, phone (local and long distance), and Road Runner service for all employees, for life. 3. Joe Gazin as the new spokesperson for Road Runner service. He has even agreed to do the beep beep sound in the ads. 4. Dropping of local NBC, CBS, FOX, and Univision affiliates begin-ning April 2. (We plan to fill in the programming gap with the above pro-gramming, plus Seinfeld reruns.) We urge Time-Warner customers to take a stand and demand to keep their programming. The future of Corpus Christi television is in your hands. Don’t let the man keep you down.

Dick “the Dick” DrillingGM Kiii TV

Letters to the Editor: send letters to [email protected]


Signs The Economy Is Really Getting BadThe economy is so bad, Angelina Jolie had to adopt a highway.

Former Housekeeper Sues Kobe Bryant, His wife

NBA star Kobe Bryant and his wife are being sued by their maid. She claims she was, “badgered, harrassed and humiliated”. Coincidently, the same claim has been filed by the Los Angeles Lakers.

Easter Egg Roll Tickets to Go OnlineThere will be no more standing in lines to get tickets for the Easter Egg Roll at the White House. Instead, for the first time, the tickets will be distributed on-line. The White House stated that on-line ticket distribution will reduce the number of Americans having to wait in very long lines. Adding that the only long lines Americans should be stand-ing in are lines for unemployment, pawn shops, and food banks.

Komodo Dragons Kill Man in Indone-siaA 31-year-old fruit-picker died after

he was viciously attacked by two Ko-modo dragons. Attacks by wild ani-mals on humans have become quite frequent lately. Another incident was reported last night in LA when 5 an-gry cougars burst into a Chippendales Mens show, turns out it was just the cast of ‘The View’

Fate of Titanic Treasures in Judge’s HandsNearly a century after the Titanic struck ice in the North Atlantic, a federal judge in Virginia is poised to preserve the largest collection of its artifacts. The salvage company, RMS Titanic Inc lays claim to over 5,900 washed up artifacts. The only washed up artifact from Titanic that has yet to be claimed is Celine Dion.

Octomom Fires Nanny ServiceOn Monday, an attorney for Suleman said she had fired a nurses’ group that was training 3 nannies for her children. She believed workers were spying on her and may have been plot-ting to steal her babies. The agency responded by saying that the claims were ridiculous, but they would take action while an investigation is pend-ing. The nannies, Angelina Jolie, Ma-donna, and Mia Farrow, have been suspended with pay.

Rare 1848 Photo of NYC to Be SoldA daguerreotype believed to be from

1848 shows what is now the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The photo is said to be the first photo of NYC. It is also believed to be the first photo taken by an annoying Japanese tourist.

3M Workers Hold Boss Hostage3M - a diversified U.S. manufacturer known for Post-It notes and Scotch tape - recently announced layoffs among its 2,700 workers. Luc Rousse-let, the director and current hostage of 3M’s French operations stated he re-fuses to show any signs of fear. That is, until several employees placed pieces of tape on his eyes and mouth to make him appear like a frightened Asian man.

MC Hammer Appears On The Ellen Show Talking Twitter.Today, Hammer came on the show to discuss their new favorite hobby face to face, Twittering. All though he’s not the first rap star to appear on Ellen discussing Twitter (P. Diddy discussed Twitter 3 weeks ago) , he is the first to take the leftovers from the green room.

Hulk Hogan Supports Daughter Brooke and Her Pole DancingThe wrestling superstar attended the Ocho Calle Latin festival in Miami two weekends ago, where her vocals were overshadowed by a spicy pole dance. The Hulkster stated that Brooke also

has a pole at home that she practices on. Adding that she’s not allowed to use it too much because it’s the only pole in the trailer home that supports the roof .

Alaska May Consider Bans on Bestial-ityAlaska may consider bans on bestial-ity after a 26-year-old registered sex offender was accused of molesting a local family’s pet dog in the commu-nity of Klawock.Governor Sarah Palin, who is a strong supporter of the bill stated, “If this bill would have passed a year a go, my daughter may have never gotten preg-nant”

President Obama Apologizes For Spe-cial Olympics Quip on LenoThe president said that his statement was in poor taste and that to assume anything otherwise is just retarded.

Disney Kills -- Lawsuit ClaimsA Burbank family is suing the Walt Disney Company, claiming its 1957 air conditioning system released toxins that migrated into nearby residential areas and contaminated drinking wa-ter, resulting in death. Disney stated they have not released toxins since 1957, however, in 2010, ‘The Toxins’ will be released for a limited time only on a 3 Disc Special Edition DVD.

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After an ironic course of events, local news celebrity, Katia Uriarte, was killed at a Days Inn ho-tel in on Navigation Boulevard. On March 31st, 2009, Miss Uriarte was at the Days Inn working on a story regarding the 14th anniversary of pop star Selena’s death. In an almost unbelievable coincidence Katia’s fan club president was staying at that very hotel. What is even more surprising is that the president of the club known as the ‘Krazy for Katia Klan’ or KKK, was none other than Yolanda Saldívar, Selena’s infamous murderer. In a past interview regarding her controversial choice for fan club president, Katia declared, “I think everyone deserves a second chance now and again. True, Yolanda does have a questionable résumé, but since her recent release from prison, it seems she is determined to redeem herself.” At 11:48 am, Yolanda drew a gun from her purse, and pointed it at Uriarte. As the anchor turned and left the room, Saldívar shot her once in the back.

Critically wounded, Katia ran to the lobby to get help. She collapsed on the floor as the clerk called 911, with Saldívar chasing her, calling her a bitch. Before collapsing to the floor, Katia named Saldívar as her assailant and gave the room number where she had been shot. After an ambulance and po-lice arrived on the scene, Katia was transported to a lo-cal hospital. She died from loss of blood at 1:05 p.m. Within minutes of the superstar’s death, all the rights to Katia’s broadcast catalog were purchased by Abraham Quintanilla, Jr. He said at a press confer-ence during the funeral, “This is a tragic loss; howev-er, there is enough unaired footage of Katia for several ‘live’ broadcasts, and with today’s remix technology the profits, I mean, the possibilities, are endless.” Plans are already underway to have “The Queen of Top Stories” remains bronzed and displayed at the entrance of the Corpus Christi Trade Center, with a plaque that reads, simply, Katia Forever.

Latin News Superstar Killed by Fan Club President

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Real News BitesBy John Romanwww.myspace.com/comedianjohnroman

By William Henneberger


Wed. 4/1 Dj King G -RevolutionWednesday Beginning Belly Dancing -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea Room

Thur. 4/2Balabajoomba Poetry Slam 7pm Dj Dus 10pm -RevolutionThe Vibrant Ones, The Golden Meanies, Shrimp Scampi & The Heavenly Blues -House Of RockWe Were Gentlemen -CompoundIndianola Railroad Co -Executive Surf Club7 Bridges Band W/ JR Ancira -Brewster Street

Fri. 4/3Dj King G -RevolutionAfter Dark Productions Pres. Cramps/Lux Interior Tribute Show W/ Burlesque By After Dark Revue -House Of RockEuropa -The Havana ClubTrisum -Executive Surf ClubDead Mike -TexanThe Spazmatics -Brewster StreetSteven Hansen -Coffee Waves

Sat. 4/4The Electrotypes -RevolutionEuropa -The Havana Club

Lower Class Brats, Avenue Rockers , Paul Southerland -CompoundTejas Brothers -Executive Surf ClubIron Mountain, Abandon Hope -TexanOso Texas -Brewster StreetFootloose @ Selena AuditoriumDie Among Heros, Sewn Shut -ZerozAll Level Yoga Class -Yin Yang Fandango And Tango Tea RoomNick Garcia -Coffee WavesCompany -Harbor Playhouse

Sun. 4/5 Open Mic W/ The Bar Nutz -RevolutionH.R.A.//N.I.B.I.R.U.//S.U.S//Crucial Obstruction -CompoundRich O’Toole W/ The Pear Ratz -Brewster StreetCompany -Harbor Playhouse

Mon. 4/6Karaoke Night -RevolutionMonday Night Comedy With Shane Fling, Jeff Gayden, Roy Trejo -House Of RockMetal Mondays W/ A Wreckless Divine, Sandycraven,This Dying Dream, Makeshift Murder -House Of RockM.D.C., Embrace The Kill -Compound

Nuciear Blast Records ,Psycorptic,Periwinkle Massacre,Texas Hate Machine,Laoric. -Zeroz

Tues. 4/7Live Music Tbd -RevolutionOpen Mic Hosted By Rev. Fred -House Of Rock

Wed. 4/8Dj King G -RevolutionBday Party For Sergio With Dead Passenger, Avenue Rockers, Capital Crimes -House Of Rock

Thur. 4/9Dj Dus -RevolutionShut Up And Listen W/ Ty Dietz, Rev. Fred, Neal Edwards, Pake Rossi -House Of RockHoods -CompoundStephanie Briggs -Executive Surf Club

Fri. 4/10Dj King G -RevolutionSilverstein, Norma Jean, Bless The Fall, Before Their Eyes -House Of RockScarecrow People -The Havana ClubCruise Control -Executive Surf ClubSouth King Runaways -TexanTrisum -Brewster Street

Sat. 4/11The Bar Nutz -Revolution

7th Generation, The Raspas, Marshall Influence -House Of RockMyndfields -The Havana ClubNo Harm Done -CompoundBroken Teeth With The Reely Rotnz -Executive Surf ClubSomething Called Nothing, Los Super Avengers, & Which Ways Ocean -TexanRobert Earl Keen W/ Band Of Heathens -Brewster StSharks Vs. Amarillo Dusters -American Bank CenterJason Gerard, Black Milk, Head Aches -Zeroz

Sun. 4/12Open Mic W/ The Bar Nutz -Revolution

Mon. 4/13Karaoke Night -RevolutionMetal Mondays With Unsuture -House Of Rock

Tues. 4/14Nathan Strubhart -RevolutionOpen Mic Hosted By Rev. Fred -House Of RockMy Son My Executioner -Compound

Wed. 4/15Dj King G -RevolutionLeft Alone, Black President, Avenue Rockers -House Of RockChevelle, 10 Years, Adelitas Way -Concrete St

Thurs. 4/16Peligrosa! –RevolutionCavegirl, Everett Lamb, Jason Dominguez -House Of RockShawn Pander -Executive Surf ClubCross Canadian Ragweed W/ Seth James -Brewster StreetChildren Of A Lesser God -Harbor Playhouse

Send Concert Listings to:[email protected]

Corpus Christi Entertainament Calendar

As a writer and pie-in-the-sky, one of these days, maybe when the kids go off to college, filmmaker, just getting the cash together to go to a real film festival is quite a task. I don’t have a full-time job right now, so just keeping a fully stocked larder is difficult. But when I got the e-mail from my brother reminding me that South by Southwest was approaching, I did some bud-geting and forked over a few hundred for the film pass. I originally planned to attend for three days, but as the opening weekend approached, my fi-nances had dwindled. I ended up only attending two days. The first day started out with two panel discus-sions. As much as I just wanted to go to screen-ings, I felt that I had to go to some of the techni-cal stuff, to recoup the money I’d spend on my badge. The first one was on film distribution. There were several heads of film companies there and while it was a little drone-y, I gleaned a few nuggets. For instance: if you have a rough, indie piece, don’t hawk it to a big blockbuster-type company. You’ll want to target the smaller, indie-friendly guys. Wow, I never would have known that had I not attended this panel. I’m writing that one down... Later that afternoon, I ducked into a discussion of the new film “I Love You, Man,” with several of the stars and the director. It was a little sur-real to see Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, and several of the other stars just a few yards away from me. I swear Jason Segel made eye contact with

me several times. I also loved the way Rashida Jones looked; she’s so gorgeous. I think I have a little girl crush on her. I sat next to a couple from San Antonio, fel-low wannnabe filmmakers, and we chatted be-fore the panel began. The husband had written a book, and when I said I wrote for The Vent, he got my info and said he’d send me a copy for me to review. They also said they’d been to Sundance. “That’s nothing compared to Austin,” said the wife. “Really?” I was curious. How did the vibe up there not measure up to SXSW? They said the folks up at Sun-dance t o o k

t h e m -se lves

w a y t o o seriously. I said that made sense; as serious as everyone is about their work in Austin, e v e r y o n e was really there to drink, get stoned, and try to s l e e p with the stars. Speaking of which: After the panels, I drove around the city for a few hours to get some lunch and do a little

window-shopping on South Congress. Then I made my way back downtown to see a couple of films. The first one was “Objectified,” a documen-tary about the impact of design on our everyday lives. It was actually much better than it sounds. After that was the feature “Moon,” a science fiction piece directed by Duncan Jones, a.k.a. Zowie Bowie. I was re-ally excited about this one. For one, I love sci-fi movies and actually write a lot of fu-turistic crap myself. Also, the buzz was the whole film was produced for small change and used pretty ba-sic special effects. But I have to admit the most exciting thing about getting into this screening was the possibility of getting a real live glimpse of Mr. Rockwell. He’s scruffy, short, wiry, and I love him I love him I love him. I’m slightly agoraphobic and suffer from social anxiety syndrome. So when I go to the theater, I always try to sit in an isolated spot away from

other people. This showing was pretty jammed, but I managed to find a seat toward the back in

a nearly vacant row.As the theater continued to fill up, an artsy-look-ing young man sat in the row behind me, which was completely empty. I glanced at him and he

smiled. “I don’t like to sit close to people either,” I said. “Yeah,” he grinned as he laid his coat and other stuff across sev-eral adjacent seats. “I was waiting until most of them were in before I tried to get a spot.” We chatted for a few minutes. He said his name was Randall;

he looked like a student. He said he lived in Austin; I told him he was lucky he hadn’t had to drive several hours like I did just for a little culture. I asked him if he was in film or a writer; he said he was just a film buff. I said I had done a couple of films that only saw the light of day in Corpus Christi, but hoped to continue to write and produce something “someday.” When the theater was nearly full and the lights were dimmed, a man with a clipboard and SXSW crew badge tapped me on the shoulder. “Are you holding those seats for anyone?” “No,” I said reluctantly. I really didn’t want to be crowded by a bunch of 9-mm-weilding tee-nie boppers. But I was afraid if I was caught hogging seats, I’d get kicked out. “Well, the director and the talent would like to sit here for the first fifteen minutes or so; would that be okay?” Uh... uhh.... Sam Rockwell... sit here... in my row.... next to me... YESYESYESYESYES!!! “Sure,” I said, scooting down. I suddenly re-membered the greasy pannini and candy bar I had shoved down in my car earlier. I also hadn’t bothered much with makeup that morning. Why hadn’t I gone to the ladies’ to put some lipgloss on before taking my seat? Did I have crumbs or bits of chocolate still clinging to the corners of my mouth? Should I make a dash to my car, a few blocks away in a parking garage, to curl my lashes and apply some rouge?


SXSW 2009 Part I: Rubbing ElbowsNora Gutierrez-Perez

Continued on page 9

The house lights dimmed and Sam and Duncan took the stage to talk a bit about film. Then it be-gan and a few minutes after the opening credits, SAM ROCKWELL SAT NEXT TO ME!! Well, he started to sit right next to me, then he moved over and put his jacket between us. He didn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way. But I chewed the inside of my lip as I stole sidelong glances at him and Duncan (who was also quite lovely to look at) eating popcorn and sipping soda. About halfway through the movie, they got up and left. Sam left his popcorn and cup on the floor. Dare I do it? I pondered. Dare I take the refreshments and sell them on e-bay? Dare I eat

from the tub of synthetic foam that SAM ROCK-WELL ate from? True to my overly aloof Scorpio form, I did noth-ing. The movie ended. We all applauded. Duncan and Sam took the stage once more to do q & a. I didn’t raise my hand. On the way out, I went to the restroom. I looked like crap: pale, blotchy, stringy-haired. Had I had the courage to talk Sam up, he would have shot me down in half a second. Oh well... I walked out into the lobby of the theater, and got caught up in Sam’s entourage as they tried to get past the paparazzi. I think I may have been be-

hind him in some pictures. When I finally made it outside, he was talking to a group of badge hold-ers. I took a deep breath, and tapped him on the shoulder. “Great work,” I gushed. “I loved it.” “Oh, thanks,” he said, giving me a genuine smile (or maybe he was acting...) and extending his hand. “You know, you were sitting next to me in there, but I didn’t want to bug you for an autograph or picture or anything.”“Oh,” he said, “in the theater? Oh, you should have said hello. Nice to meet you.”Same here, Sam. Same here.


V

Rubbing Elbows Continued

After just one day at the fest, I felt like I had spent too much money and not even scratched the surface of all SXSW had to offer. But that’s just the way things worked out. I took comfort in the fact that I would be returning mid-week to see my friends Ron and Damani. We all went to school on the East Coast, and Damani just produced a docu-mentary on blues singer Bill With-ers that was premiering in Austin on Wednesday. I was planning to be in San Antonio, doing the Spring Break thing with my family, and would park my kids with my folks while I drove to Aus-tin for the screening. Unfortunately, my cranium had other plans. As I got on the road Tuesday, I realized I couldn’t see out of one eye. I adjusted my sunglasses and drove on. After about 20 minutes, I realized I was having an aura. It would be about 10 more min-utes before it would be a debilitating migraine. What was I going to do: I was in the middle of nowhere. I’ve taken medication for the headaches before, but did not have the pills with me. I called my doctor to call in a prescription to the next town I was due to pass through. When I got there to the next town, I pulled into the parking lot of the drug store, and stumbled inside. I bought some water, swallowed one pill and got back on the road. After about thirty minutes of feeling like some-one was driving an ice pick into my temple, the pain stopped. I told the kids we could turn the radio back on and started to sing along with them to Lily Allen. We chatted about what we would do when we got there. We all voted to go to the pool. Suddenly, my hands and feet went numb. After a few minutes, a buzzy sensation went up my arms and legs. “Baby,” I whispered to my son, “get Grammy on the phone.” The rest of my family was already at the hotel in San Antonio. I was still about an hour away. “Mom, I’m really sick,” I said as I pulled over to the side of the highway. My daughter started crying in the back seat as I opened the car door and stuck my head out. I began to dry heave. I still couldn’t feel my arms or legs.

I told her about the migraine, about my doctor calling in the medication. As I was talking to her, I looked carefully at the bottle of pills I’d been given. I realized the dosage was four times what I usually take. I waited by the side of the road for about 20

minutes until the yuckiness went away a little. Then I got back on the road and said

Hail Mary’s in my head that I wouldn’t wreck my car and kill us all. When I got to the hotel, I still felt awful. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, my body was still tingly, and was still very nauseated. I felt like I was coming off some really heavy anesthe-sia. The next day I couldn’t manage to get out of bed to go to my friend’s film that afternoon. I called Ron to explain. He said everyone would be going out that night, and if I felt better, to please try and join them. Ron was my college boyfriend, and while we’ve only seen each other a few times in the last 15 years, I consider him my best friend. The last time was about 5 years ago. I was in New York visit-ing my brother, who was in graduate school. Ron and I went out with several old friends, then we attempted to hook up. But it didn’t work. He was engaged, and I felt guilty. I was also very con-fused about my own situation at the time. I had just had another baby with my ex-husband and thought that I had to be with him, even though our relationship never made any sense. One good thing that came of that visit was that Ron and I did some work on a screenplay that we’d been tossing around since we were in school. (By the way, we’re still working on that. Maybe SXSW 2012...) About a year after that, Ron got married and had a baby. Then he got divorced. We talked every few months and made plans to visit. But we never did. Now he was in Austin, and I was laid up just 77 miles away, nursing a Topamax hangover. At about 7 that evening, I decided that I had to make the trip to Austin. I had missed the film, but I couldn’t let them go back to New York without visiting with them. I showered, got dressed, and

started driving. The traffic was horrendous. It seemed there was non-stop construction between the two cities. I didn’t get into Austin until about 11. I picked Ron up at his hotel. We hugged, and af-ter a few minutes of, “Oh, my God, so great to see you, how long has it been,” we fell right into the old stupid jokes, obscure references, things only ex-SLC-ers would get. Instant comfort. I don’t think I have that with anyone else. We parked in a garage, then walked a few blocks to Mohawk to meet the others. There I was greet-ed with a huge hug by Damani, who introduced me to Alex (his co-producer in the film), Brittney (who handles the ***** film festival in Manhat-tan), and Jeremy (one of the crew of the film). We hung out there for a while, listening to a pretty good hip hop band, Mojo. Then some woman came out and sang for a while. I didn’t like her very much, but Ron kept his eyes on her. He said he was wor-ried her tits were going to break free of her bikini top as she wrestled with her microphone. At about midnight, Brittney announced we had to move on to another club because her favorite band was going on, “RIGHT NOW!” We started walking and after a while, Damani offered Britt-ney a piggy back. I was wearing my sister’s 4 inch Louboutins; after about seven blocks I climbed on Ron’s back. I made some ribald remarks about getting each other on our backs, hardy har har. Then the group got ahead of us, and we were alone on the street. “So how are you doing?” I asked, suddenly shy. “Good,” he said. We were walking side by side now, and I had removed my shoes. “Work is good-- watch out, there’s some glass there,” he said, pulling me by the elbow. I thought of “Say Anything.” He asked how I was, was I writing, what was the fucking deal with that screenplay, how are the kids. Then we were quiet for a few minutes, just walking. “I’m really glad you were able to drive up, Nora,” he said. “Me, too,” I said. “I feel like we’re back at Sarah Lawrence, going to the city, looking for some

dive.” I laughed. “I can’t believe we’ve known each other for 15 years.” “I know.” He stopped walking and turned to me. “What?” “You know I’m always going to love you, right?” He wasn’t smiling. “I know,” I told him. “I’m always going to love you.” “Okay, I just wanted to get that straight.”

We kept walking and finally got to La Zona Rosa. Two guys were playing techno music. Only Brittney seemed to know who the fuck they were, but the beats were catchy, so we danced a little.

After a while, Alex and Damani rolled a joint. I don’t know why; there was so much ganja in the

air I felt like I was o.d.ing all over again. But in a good way. They started to light it up, but a bouncer came up to them and shook his head. So they went outside. Damani tried to get Ron to go with them, but he knows I don’t approve of 30-something year olds still getting high, so he stayed inside with me. Ron and I danced for a couple of hours. I made him laugh when I shouted in his ear that the mu-sic made me think of going on band trips in high school, listening to erasure and Book of Love on my Walkman on the bus. He said he felt like he was on Sprokets. “Oh, the agony in here is gor-geous!” I shouted. (Later we found out the band was from Berlin.) By about 1:30 I said I had to go. Ron offered to put me up in his hotel room. “You can sleep on the extra bed; I won’t try anything,” he grinned. No, I said. I had to go back to San Antonio, where my kids were waiting for me. We were due to drive to Houston the next day. I said goodbye to everyone. I told Damani again how excited and proud I was for him. He told me to keep writing. Ron got a taxi with me back to the parking garage. I promised to continue to work on the screenplay. We hugged for a long time. Then I drove back to my real life.


SXSW 2009 Part II: “Still Bill,” The Migraine, and The One That Got AwayNora Gutierrez-Perez

V

Now he was in Austin, and I was laid up just 77 miles away, nursing a Topamax hangover.

Only Brittney seemed to know who the fuck they were,

but the beats were catchy, so we danced a little.

11www.myspace.com/theventnation

You are such a l iar By Mary Wienke

I think the best part of being a customer service associate is learning how to be a great liar. In the past few years I have become the queen of spin, the angel of argumentation, the bison of bullshit (okay maybe not that last one). Because of my work experience I now know the subtle differences between ex-aggeration, white lies, semi-truths and blatant fibs. I have managed to conquer and trump even the most belligerent and hard-headed people and convinced them of preposterous ideas. And I have done all this by being observant. With the current economic cri-sis in full swing I think it is time that we send our CEO’s back to the basics of customer service. Listen none of this mess would have happened had the heads of the major companies in Wall Street been sufficient at covering their tracks. Honestly the American public would, I believe, still be blissfully igno-

rant if the corporate mucky mucks knew how to lie. And so I am suggesting that we make them go through an intensive customer service boot camp, where we will teach them the finer points of decep-tion. Things like “No ma’am that is not covered by your warranty” and “I am sorry phone is cutting out. HELLO? Hel-lo? *click*” These and other skills would be invaluable in the hands of these bil-lionaires. Who needs billions of dollars in bonuses paid by taxpayers when you can learn to lie point blank to the whole American public? In fact I say we take the bail out money given to companies like AIG and put it to work to fund such a program. Why the hell not? In fact I think I would sleep better at night knowing that yes these people are lying to me but at least I will never know. Ignorance is after all bliss and bliss is differently worthy of a tax raise. So let’s do what we can to get this pushed through shall we? V

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