134164290 Khushwant Singhs Joke Book 5
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Transcript of 134164290 Khushwant Singhs Joke Book 5
8/12/2019 134164290 Khushwant Singhs Joke Book 5
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JOKE BOOKS O
Delightful!Oeccan ChrOnlCItl
KHU'SHWANT SINGH'S
\,l' .,J Hlnaustan limes
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Khushwant Singh, humourist, raconteur, editor, short-
story writer, novelist, commentator, has earned a new
accolade — "the master sinner o! o#es$" %e has &een
clu&&ed together with Bir&al, 'enali (aman and )oal
Bhore as one o! India*s all time great humourists$ %isa&ility to ma#e Indians laugh at themselves, and at their
own !oi&les, has earned him a readershi and !an
!ollowing that is unaralleled$
+s India*s &est #nown ournalist and syndicated
columnist, he is admired and lam&asted in eual
measure &ecause o! his o!ten irreverent and
controversial views$ %owever, even his staunchest
critics agree that he is eminently reada&le$
Born in ./, Khushwant Singh received his education
in 0ahore, 1elhi and 0ondon$ +!ter a &rie! law ractice
at 0ahore %igh Court and a stint with the 2inistry o!E3ternal +!!airs, he shot to literary !ame with his
award-winning novel Train to Pakistan and the two-
volumed History of the Sikhs. %e distinguished himsel!
as editor o! The Illustrated Weekly of India 4.5.-
.6.7, and The Hindustan Times 4.89-.8:7$
2aster cra!tsman o! his art, Khushwant Singh lives in
1elhi and continues to "hold a mirror to our !ace $$$
!ran#, &ut not venomous, !earless &ut not intimidating$**
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B R I G H T
IDEAJust married, Su#hwant had &ad news !or her hus&andwhen he returned home !rom his day*s wor#$ *I !eel so
sorry,* Su#hwant said with a so&, *I was ressing your &estsuit and &urnt a hole in the seat o! the trousers$*
*1on*t worry, darling,* said the hus&and amorously, *Ihave another air o! trousers to match that suit$*
*?es, I #now,* Su#hwant relied$ *?ou*re luc#y thatyou have$ 'han#s to that, I was a&le to atch u the hole@*
Contributed by Shashank Shekhar, Ne "umbai
G R E E D
UNLIMITED
0ala )ari& Chand was a wealthy #amindar. %e as#ed hismaneem 4accountant7 to add u all he owned and howlong it could last$ 'he muneem added u all his assets andassured him that it would certainly hold out till thetraditional saat $usht — seven generations$ <ar !rom
&eing relieved 0ala )ari& Chand loo#ed moredisconsolate than &e!ore and with a great sigh o! sorrowe3claimed, Hai% Hamaaree aath&een $usht ka kya ho'a(4Oh@ Ahat will haen to our eighth generation7
Contributed by )*. "alhotra, Ne !elhi
RIDDLESanta and Banta met on a village road$ Santa was carryinga large gunny &ag over his shoulder$
+Oye, Santa,* hailed Banta, *what is in the &ag*+"ur'iyan — Chic#ens,* came the rely$*I! I guess how many, can I have one* as#ed Banta
*?ou can have &oth o! them$**OK,* said Banta, *!ive$*
Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, Ne !elhi
INDIA — THE NEMILLENNIUM
Cheer u my son, &uc# u my &oy,
?ou are living in *'he 0and o! Joy*$ ?ou go to
school where they do not teach,
In the %ouse o! )od, they hatred reach$ I! you
have merit, you will sigh and so&,
I! you are &ac#ward, you might get a o&$ Out o!
caste, i! you dare to wed,
?our #ith and #in will cho your head$ I! you arehonest, in north or in south,
?ou will live !rom hand to mouth$ I! you
are wily and your means sinister,
?ou are li#ely to &ecome a chie! minister$ But
remem&er the new ma3im, my lad,1e!ection is good, conversion is &ad$
Contributed by .C. -handari, "eerut
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LIKE MOTHER,LIKE DAUGHTER
Ahile &eing interviewed an actress was as#ed whethershe intended to get married in the near !uture$
'he lady relied, *>ever, I will !ollow in the!ootstes o! my mother$ 0i#e her, I will remain single$*
Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al
LABOUR WOES
'he Indian and Cu&an la&ourministers were in the midst o! a meeting$
Cu&an la&our minister= *0a&our ro&lems in our nation
roduce hundreds o! tyes o! tensions !or me$*Indian la&our minister= *'hat*s nothing$ 0a&our ro&lems in our nation roduce /9,999 &a&ies every day$*
HAND BAGGAGE
iaagar &oarded a crowded &us with a &ag!ul o! urchases$ 'here was no vacant seat$ +s the old &usrattled and swayed, he suorted himsel! recariously,holding the &ag in one hand, the other hand holding the
&ar rovided near the ceiling$
*'ic#et $$$ tic#et $$$ tic#et,* the conductor made severalrounds ast aagar$ %is wallet in his hi oc#et and &othhands engaged, aagar didn*t #now what to do$
*'ic#et, Sardari,* the conductor as#ed again$ aagarthrust the &ag into the conductor*s hand and struggled tota#e the wallet out, when the conductor rotested= ' can*t
&e carrying assengers* &aggage li#e this — I*m theconductor, a!ter all@*
*O#ay, then give me the &ag, and here, will you leasehold the &ar,* relied aagar$
Contributed by S.. -aseer, Hyderabad
NEW INVENTIONDSanta said to Santa, ' have invented a new #ind o!
comuter which &ehaves li#e a human &eing$*
*In what way* as#ed Santa$
*Ahenever it ma#es a mista#e,* relied Banta, *it
&lames other comuters$*Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al
WHAT A CHEAP !
Banta went to a chea restaurant to have dinner$ %e ran
into his !riend (am 0ai who was wor#ing there as a
waiter$*(am 0ai, aren*t you ashamed o! wor#ing in this third-
class restaurant* he as#ed$' may wor# in a third-class restaurant,* relied (am
0ai, *&ut I don*t eat in one li#e you$*Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al
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CATCH THEM ...!+n Englishman, an +merican, and a Sardari were called
uon to test a lie detector$'he Englishman said, ' thin# I can emty 9 &ottles o! &eer$*
BFFFFF went the lie detector$
*OK,* he said, *9 &ottles$* +nd the machine wassilent$ , $
'he +merican said, *I thin# I can eat / ham&urgers$*BFFFFF went the lie detector$
*+lright, 8 ham&urgers$* +nd the machine was silent$'he Sardari said, GI thin# $$$*BFFFFF went the machine@
Contributed by Hardi$ *aur Sandhu, !enmark
"MART MO#E(a#esh= *Bro#en o!! your engagement to 2eena*
2ahesh= *She would not have me$*
(a#esh= *?ou should have told her a&out your rich
uncle in Bom&ay$*
2ahesh= ' did$ She is my aunt now$*
Contributed by *esa&a Prasad, Tamilnadu
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BETTING BLUE"
/anta saw that his !riend (am 0ai was very deressed$
*Ahat haened* as#ed Santa$+/aar, I lost (s 899 in a &et yesterday$*
*%ow come**Aell, yesterday, the one day match &etween India andEngland was &eing shown live on 'H I &et (s /99 thatIndia would win, &ut I lost the &et$*
*But that*s only (s /99, where did the rest go*+/aar, I &et on the highlights too@*
Contributed by init *achnt, Washin'ton !C
CO#ERING $OUR TRAC%"
+n editor once wrote= *1on*t &e surrised i! you !indmista#es in this editorial newsletter$ Ae rint something!or everyone$ +nd some eole are always loo#ing !or
mista#es$*
Contributed by a'an !hir, Ne !elhi
ONE &OR IMAMDINSu&edar 0ehna Singh and Su&edar Imamdin were in thesame regiment in the British Indian +rmy$ 'hey wereinseara&le !riends and sent their evenings drin#ing
together$ 'he artition searated them as Su&edarImamdin was a&sor&ed in the ;a#istan +rmy$'o #ee his !riend*s memory alive Su&edar 0ehna
Singh always !illed two glasses with rum and water andsied !rom each alternately@
Ahen some&ody as#ed him why he did so, hee3lained= *'his glass is Imamdin*s this one is mine$ So Ita#e a si !rom each — one on &ehal! o! Imamdin, theother !or mysel!$*
Suddenly one evening Su&edar 0ehna Singh was seenwith only one glass on his ta&le$ %e was as#ed what had
haened$ %e relied, *?ou see, I have given u drin#ing &ut Imamdin has not$ So I have ut away my glass anddrin# only on &ehal! o! my !riend$*
Contributed by !r !hanul Ha0 Ha00i, *arachi
HONOURABLE 'OLITIC"(
+ man saw an eitah in a cemetery which read= *%erelies an honest man and olitician$*
*Shame,* he cried, *two eole in the same grave@*
Contributed by H.!. Shourie, Ne !elhi
CAREER 'LANNINGBanto too# her son )hanta to the headmaster and said,
+"aster1ee, my )hanta thin#s a&out a lot o! things &ut
when it comes to wor#, he does nothing$ Ahat should we
do !or his career*'he headmaster relied, *)et him to aly !or a o& in
the ;lanning Commission$*
Contributed by J. P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al
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HODUNIT(
I hree men alied !or the o& o! adetective= Santa !rom India, 2arc )ray&erg, a Jew and'om Silanti, an Italian$
'he chie! decided to as# each alicant ust oneuestion and &ase his decision uon the answer$ Ahen)ray&erg arrived !or his interview, the chie! as#ed him,
*Aho #illed Jesus Christ* %e answered withouthesitation, *'he (omans #illed him$* 'he chie! than#ed
him and he le!t$Ahen Silanti arrived !or his interview, the chie! as#ed
him the same uestion$ %e relied, *Jesus was #illed &ythe Jews$* 'he chie! than#ed him also and he le!t$
<inally, Santa arrived !or his interview and was as#edthe same uestion$ %e thought !or a long time, &e!ore
saying, *Could I have some time to thin# a&out it* 'hechie! said, *O#, &ut get &ac# to me tomorrow$*
Ahen Santa arrived home, his wi!e as#ed, *%ow didthe interview go* ;at came the rely, *)reat, I got the o&,and I*m already investigating a murder@*
Contributed by Hardi$ *aur Sandhu, !enmark
TONGUE O SLIP+n +#ali leader was !ulminating against the Congress$+ddressing a crowded university meeting, he thundered,*'he Congress allahs are all waters o! the !irst rogue$*
'he audience &urst into laughter over his lase o!
tongue$ 'he +#ali leader realised he had made a mista#e$%e oined the alms o! his hands to as# !or ardon, ' amvery sorry, it is a tongue o! sli$*
'his time the laughter was louder than &e!ore$ 'hegentleman that he was, the +#ali leader was genuinelycontrite, *?ou must ardon me$ I am always limiting thecross$*
Contributed by S.2. Patnaik, Cuttack
AIR E"CHANGEAhen I was a youngster,* comlained the !rustrated !ather
aagar, ' was discilined &y &eing con!ined to my roomand not allowed to lay with !riends$ But my son has hisown colour 'H, telehone, comuter, and C1 layer to#ee himsel! amused$*
*So what do you do* as#ed his !riend$' send him to my room@*
Contributed by tul *amath, *umta
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OH GOD!+ discile went to his )uru as#ing !or tis to attainenlightenment$ 'he )uru advised, *'a#e a mala 4rosary7and go u into the %imalayas and meditate$* 'he discilewent away$
Several months later, the )uru aid him a visit andas#ed, *%ow do you li#e it u here in the snows*
*Just !ine,* relied the discile$*+nd what a&out the weather 1on*t you !reee**+s long as I have my mala and my chillum 4&owl !ull
o! to&acco7, I don*t care how cold it is$*' am glad to hear it$ Can I also have a chillum !or
mysel! right now,* as#ed the )uru, shivering with cold$*Ahy not@* said the discile$ *2ala@ Aould you &ring
us two chillumsl+
Contributed by nirban Sen, Ne !elhi
ALI#E OR DEADBanta and (am 0ai were wor#ing on a roo!, when Banta
slied and !ell to the ground$ (am 0ai leaned over and
called out= *?ou dead or alive, Banta*
*+live,* moaned Banta$
*?ou*re a liar$ I don*t #now whether to &elieve you or
not,* said (am 0ai$
*'hen I must &e dead,* said Banta, *&ecause youwouldn*t dare call me a liar i! I were alive$*
Contributed by Shi&tar Sin'h !al la, 3udhiana.
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"'EA%ER #s M'I wo dogs were discussing their masters$
'he !irst said, *2y master is the sea#er o! the %ouse,when I start &ar#ing, he cannot stand it and #ees saying,
"lease, lease, lease $$$" to sto me !rom &ar#ing$*'he other, &elonging to an 2;, said, *+t least your
master is olite$ 2ine is a most devious man$ +!ter a&using everyone in the house he has the audacity to ut asign&oard on his gate, "Beware o! the dog"
Contributed by T.2. 2ishi, lar
BLOOD$ ONION
2y !ather was a strict vegetarian%e !or&ade me to eat$ Even
onion, a harmless edi&le'hat has nothing to do with meat$ I
wondered why !ather sermonised,*Beware o! onion, touch it not It has a
HARD TO 'LEA"E
Ahen Balwant Kaur disaroved the girl her son wanted
to marry, a !riend told the young man, *?ou must !ind agirl who is li#e your mother$*
Several months later, the young man told his !riend, '!inally !ound a girl who loo#s, tal#s, and acts ust li#e my
mother$*
*Congratulations@* said his !riend$*>ot yet*, said the young man and added, *this time my
!ather o&ected@*
"ARDAR" AGAIN
Santa and Banta went !ishing$ 'heycaught a lot o! !ish and returned to the shore$
Santa= ' hoe you remem&er the sot where wecaught all these !ish,*
Banta= *?es, I mar#ed on the side o! the &oat tomar# the sot$*
Santa= *?ou idiot@ %ow do we #now we will get the
same &oat tomorrow*
&itter taste,
Aith danger it is !raught$* Irealised the wisdom o! !ather*s sermon,Ahen election results were out$ Is not
onion, the &loody onion,
'hat caused the BJ;*s rout
Contributed by .C. -handari, "eerut
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WISH ULILLED)od created a mule, and told him, *?ou will &e a mule,wor# constantly !rom dawn to dus#, and carry heavyloads on your &ac# ?ou will eat grass and lac#
intelligence ?ou will live !or /9 years$*'he mule answered, *'o live li#e that !or /9 years will
&e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no more than 9
years$ +nd it was so$'hen )od created a dog, and told him, *?ou will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will &ehis greatest comanion$ ?ou will eat his ta&le scras andlive !or / years$*
'he dog resonded, *0ord, to live / years as a dogli#e that will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no morethan 9 years$* +nd it was so$
)od then created a mon#ey, and told him, *?ou will &e a mon#ey$ ?ou will swing !rom tree to tree and actli#e an idiot$ ?ou will &e !unny, and you will live !or 9years$
'he mon#ey resonded, *0ord, to live 9 years as theclown o! the world will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give
me no more than 9 years$* +nd it was so$<inally, )od created man and told him, *?ou will &e
the only rational &eing that wal#s on the earth ?ou willuse your intelligence to have mastery over other creatures
o! the world$ ?ou will dominate the earth and live !or 9
years$*'he man resonded, *0ord, to &e a man !or only 9
years will &e too little$ ;lease, 0ord, give me the :9 yearsthe mule re!used, the / years the dog re!used, and the 9years the mon#ey re!used$* +nd it was so$
Ever since the grant o! that wish man*s li!e goessomewhat li#e this=
%e lives the !irst 9 years as a man enoying himsel!without a worry in the world, then he marries and havechildren, to suort them he has to wor# li#e a mule and
carry the heavy resonsi&ility 4load7 o! his !amily on hisshoulders$ 'his goes on till he is L9$ 'he ne3t / years helives a dog*s li!e guarding his house and eating le!toversa!ter the children have emtied the antry$ <inally in hisold age he lives the last 9 years as a mon#ey,entertaining his grandchildren &y acting li#e an idiot$ +ndso, it has &een ever since$
GRANDATHER ORGRANDMOTHER#
aagar*s eldest daughter had &een ta#en to the deliveryroom in a hosital and he was an3iously waiting outside,
when he heard the crying o! a new&orn &a&e$ + !ewminutes later a nurse came out o! the delivery room$
aagar rushed u to her and enuired, *Sister, am I agrand!ather or a grandmother*
Contributed by S. Paramesaran, )S