130 Hail to the Chief

The Fairly OddParents

“Hail To The Chief”#130

Written By:Steven Banks

First Draft: 7.19.01Second Draft:7.30.01Final Draft:8.3.01

Nickelodeon Animation Studios c. 2000 Viacom International Inc. All rights reserved

The Fairly OddParents: “Hail To The Chief” final draft script by Steven Banks 8.3.01

EXT. TIMMY'S SCHOOL - DAY

Establishing. STATUE of school mascot: Dave, The DIMMSDALE DUNG-BEETLE.

WAXELPLAX (V.O.)Hello students! Due to budget constraints your administration had to decide between printing full color ballots for the upcoming student elections or purchasing food for the cafeteria. So I regret to announce that there will be no lunch today!

STUDENTS (V.O.)Yaaaaaaaaay!

CUT TO:

INT. CLASS ROOM - CONTINUOUS

TIMMY's at his DESK, listening raptly. COSMO AND WANDA are STICKERS on Timmy's NOTEBOOK.

WANDAWhy is everybody cheering?

COSMOI thought lunch was a good thing. Has the whole world gone mad?

TIMMYWait for it...

Widen to reveal various other STUDENTS, including CHESTER, AJ, TAD, CHAD, VERONICA and TRIXIE listening intently.

WAXELPLAX (V.O.)All we have is dessert! And gruel. So, we're declaring today, Cake And Gruel Day!

STUDENTSYaaayyyyy!!!!!

TIMMY(to Chester and AJ) C'mon guys!! Let's go before they run out of cake and start serving gruel!

CHESTERBut... I like gruel!

SFX: Bell RINGS. Timmy, Chester and AJ race out of class.

1


CUT TO:

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Timmy, smug as can be, first in line, with a HUGE line of STUDENTS behind him. He looks at delicious CAKES.

TIMMYLife is sweet and so is lunch!

Suddenly, Tad and Chad -- flanked by security GUARDS -- start pushing their way through the line.

STUDENTSOof! OW! Ooof! Hey!

BODYGUARD#1One side! Student body presidents comin' through!!

They stand in front of Timmy, Chester and AJ.

TIMMYForget it! We were here first!

TADCo-president Chad, do you hear some non-student body president talking?

CHADNo, I don't Co-president Tad, but I do know this: Student body presidents get first in line privileges.

TIMMYOh yeah? What about me? The common student? What do I get?

Tad and Chad clap their hands twice. A SPRING pops out of the floor and launches Timmy OS.

TIMMY AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

CUT TO:

ON A GARBAGE CAN

Timmy lands in an open GARBAGE CAN. The lid slaps shut.

TIMMY (V.O.)Darn it!

CUT TO:

2


INT. GARBAGE CAN

Cosmo and Wanda <POOF!> in next to Timmy as themselves. This doesn't make for a lot of room.

TIMMY This stinks!

COSMOYeah! It smells like feet in here!

Timmy pops his head out of the trash can.

TIMMY'S POV - Tad, Chad, Veronica and Trixie all sit at a special "presidential" TABLE, surrounded by the BODYGUARDS, happily munching cake.

TIMMYNo, it stinks because Tad and Chad are the student body presidents, they get to do anything they want!

Tad whistles. PRINCIPAL WAXELPLAX leans in. Tad holds up a REPORT CARD.

TADThis "F" should be an "A!"

MS. WAXELPLAXOkee dokee, Mr. President!

She takes AJ's REPORT CARD and swaps it with Tad's.

AJHey! My "A!!"

TADIt's my "A" now!

A GUY IN A SUIT leans into frame and hands a document to Tad.

SUIT GUYAnd here's AJ's scholarship!

IN THE CAN

TIMMYThat's not fair! It's time somebody ran against them. Someone with vision. Someone with. Ideals. Someone with...

COSMOFairy godparents?

TIMMY

3


Exactly.

WANDABut Timmy...

Too late! Timmy has climbed out of the can. He defiantly walks over to the others, covered in GARBAGE.

TIMMYTad and Chad, I, Timmy Turner, am running against you for student-body president.

Tad, Chad and Veronica INSTANTLY break into laughter.

VERONICAReally, garbage boy? Have you forgotten that Tad and Chad are so popular, they've been co-presidents every year since Kindergarten?!

TRIXIEWow, you're .001 percent more of a person in my eyes now, Timmy.

TIMMYReally? I...Trixie? You..you actually got my name right.

TRIXIESure! I'm political reporter for the school newspaper!

VERONICAYeah! She has to know the names of all the total losers! Bye-ee! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Trixie and the gang leave. Timmy is smitten.

INT. GARBAGE CAN - SAME TIME

Cosmo and Wanda are still inside. Timmy drops back in.

TIMMYCool! If I'm president, Trixie'll HAVE to talk to me! And with you guys helping my campaign, I can't lose!

COSMO/WANDAINCOMING!

They <POOF!> into FLIES.

CHESTER AND AJ (O.S.)

4


AAAA!!!!

Chester and AJ slam into the can next to Timmy. Chester looks around at the garbage.

CHESTERCool! Gruel!

Chester pulls out a SPOON and dives in head first.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TIMMY'S BEDROOM - LATER

Timmy talks to COSMO and WANDA in the FISHBOWL.

TIMMYWhat do you mean I can't wish myself Student Body President?

WANDAI tried to warn you. You can't wish yourself into winning a contest. It's against "Da Rules."

COSMOYou have to win the old fashioned way!

Cosmo <POOFS!> up a WAD of cold hard CASH.

COSMO Buy your way in!

Wanda waves her WAND and the cash turns into BUTTERFLIES that flutter away.

WANDABut we could be your political advisors and help run your campaign!

A wave of the wands and <POOF!> Cosmo and Wanda are covered in TIMMY PARAPHERNALIA.

COSMOYeah! It'll be great! The mass marketing of Timmy!! BALLOONS! CONFETTI! And a MONKEY on a UNICYCLE, wearing a NEON HAT that goes WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

POOF! All of that crap shows up. Wanda and Timmy cover their ears as the Monkey on the unicycle, wearing the neon hat rides by going "WHEEEEEEEEE!" Timmy yawns. Wanda makes the monkey vanish.

COSMO You'll get tons of votes!!

5


TIMMYCool! I should write a big campaign speech for tomorrow.

WANDAWe can help with that.

Wanda waves her wand. <POOF!> WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE appears.

WANDATimmy. This is William Shakespeare. He's a writer. Maybe he can help!!

TIMMYEver won an election?

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARENo. But I've won the hearts of millions with my poetry. And in--

TIMMY(interrupts) Whatever. Just start writing, Puffy Pants.

Timmy hands him a QUILL pen and Will gets to writing.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLS - NEXT DAY

The place is decked out in total "election" STUFF. Huge, professionally made POSTERS OF TAD AND CHAD are dwarfed by NEON HOLOGRAPHIC POSTERS OF TIMMY. Timmy talks to a JOCK who tries to stuff a bunch of athletic EQUIPMENT into his locker.

TIMMYThese lockers are too small. How can you jam a geek in here? A vote for Timmy means bigger lockers!

The Jock leaves. Timmy turns to a little GEEKY KID.

TIMMY These lockers are too big. The jocks could totally jam us geeks in there. A vote for Timmy means smaller lockers!

The geeky kid walks away, Timmy laughs to himself.

TIMMY This campaigning stuff is easy.

The Monkey on the unicycle rides by as we...

6


CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM

It's an SRO, partisan CROWD.

STUDENTSTad and Chad!! Tad and Chad!!!

Timmy - holding Cosmo and Wanda who are disguised as campaign FLAGS - sits next to Chester - who's chowing on a bowl of GRUEL - A.J. and William Shakespeare. Waxelplax stands at a PODIUM, about to start the festivities.

MS. WAXELPLAXAwrighty! It's time to flip a coin and see which candidate gets to give their speech first!

Waxelplax flips a COIN into the air. We follow the coin up, only to see it grabbed in the rafters by CHAD, who drops a STACK OF HUNDREDS in it's place.

MS. WAXELPLAX Oooo! Mr. Franklin says it's Tad and Chad!

Tad and Chad strut their stuff up to the podium.

TRIXIE AND VERONICAFour more years! Four more years!

TIMMYThey're going first! Who knows what kind of awesome and impressive speech they have lined up!!!

Tad and Chad hit a cheesy SMILE, and do that "Pow, I'm a Gunslinger" thing. The audience goes berserk with CHEERING.

STUDENTSYaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!

Chad and Tad walk off.

TIMMYThat's it? A smile and a pointing gesture?

WAXELPLAXAnd now...Timmy Turner!!

Timmy storms to the podium. He pulls out his speech.

TIMMY"Yay and Verily?"

7


Timmy glares at Shakespeare who gives him a "thumbs up"!

TIMMY What's the matter with you kids? What kind of speech is ...(he does the shooting gesture)? Every year you elect these guys and then they use their power to bully you around!

ON TAD, CHAD, THEIR BODYGUARD and the GEEKY KID.

GEEKY KIDNo they don't!!

BODYGUARD#1Pipe down.

GEEKY KIDOkay.

BACK ON TIMMY

TIMMYIs that who should be representing you? They think we're losers! And maybe we are! But then... shouldn't you be represented by a loser? I'm Timmy Turner, and I want to be...or not to be...

ON WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

WILLIAM SHAKESPEAREI love that line.

BACK ON TIMMY

TIMMY..TO BE THAT LOSER!!!!

The crowd goes nuts. Trixie walks up to Timmy.

TRIXIETimmy, that was an amazing speech!

She puts her hand on his shoulder and he loses it.

TIMMYReally?

TRIXIEYeah. I...

Tad and Chad jump in, arms spread.

8


TADWait! We're extending Cake Day!

CHADEven for the less popular kids!

The crowd goes CRAZY again. CAKE is wheeled into the auditorium on CARTS. Students madly eat cake, spitting as they cheer.

AUDIENCETad and Chad! Tad and Chad! Tad and Chad!

Timmy sadly walks off stage while everyone eats cake. AJ offers Timmy some cake.

AJ(mouth full) Cake?

TIMMYNo thanks. I'd rather eat gruel.

CHESTERMe too!(shoves cake in face. Then:)But ya gotta roll with the punches!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TIMMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Timmy's moping in bed. Cosmo and Wanda try to cheer him up.

WANDAAw, Timmy, it's not over until the fat lady votes!

COSMOCan the principal vote?

WANDAYou still have a chance, Sweetie!

TIMMYNo I don't! Everybody who comes to school tomorrow is gonna vote for Tad and Chad! I'll lose and Trixie's never gonna talk to me again.

COSMOI told you, you shoulda stuck with the monkey!

The MONKEY <POOFS> into scene again. Timmy hits Cosmo in the face with a PILLOW as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

9


EXT. SCHOOL - NEXT DAY

Timmy rides up to school on his SCOOTER. Cosmo and Wanda are FLAGS on the back. It's oddly quiet.

ANGLE ON SCHOOL -Empty. Deserted.

TIMMYHey! Where is everybody?

Ms. Waxelplax pops her head out of the window.

MS. WAXELPLAXFood poisoning! From Tad and Chad's cake! The only reason I'm here is because I'm frosting intolerant!

TIMMYWow! What about the election? If everyone's sick, who's gonna vote?

Ms. Waxelplax rings a BELL and a VOTING BOOTH drops into frame on top of Timmy.

MS. WAXELPLAXPolls are open!

INT. VOTING BOOTH.

Timmy enters and marks his BALLOT.

TIMMYI know who I'm voting for!!

EXT. VOTING BOOTH

Timmy walks out and hands Waxelplax his ballot. She rings a bell.

MS. WAXELPLAXPolls are closed! We must count the ballots! (pulls out Timmy's vote)I mean ballot! Timmy Turner, you win! We swear you in tomorrow!!

Cosmo and Wanda - still as bike flags - cheer loudly.

COSMO/WANDAWoo Hoo!!!!

MS. WAXELPLAXI'm with your scooter! Congrats!

10


Timmy stands triumphantly on the steps of the school, with the American FLAG waving triumphantly in the BG and the school looking an awful lot like our Nation's Capitol, we...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SCHOOL STEPS - NEXT DAY

A CROWD watches. Waxelplax puts Timmy's hand on an APPLE.

MS. WAXELPLAXDo you accept your responsibilities as student body president?

TIMMYPiece of cake!

Suddenly, the entire audience grabs their stomach, and makes that "I just caught myself from barfing" noise.

MS. WAXELPLAXThen in accordance with the 5th grade constitution, the losing candidates - Tad and Chad - will serve as your secret service detail.

ON TAD AND CHAD - who glare from the sidelines, then smile when Timmy faces them. When Timmy turns away they scowl again.

TIMMYActually, I've already picked my own detail. Let's give Tad and Chad some meaningless loser job.

MS. WAXELPLAXLet's make them co-vice-presidents!

AJ and Chester jump to either side of Timmy in SUITS, SUNGLASSES, EAR PHONES, and speak into LAPEL MICROPHONES.

CHESTER(re: Timmy) We have the "package" in our perimeter!

AJAffirmative! Situation under control! Protect "package" at all costs! Over!

TIMMYCome on, Guys! Let's check out some of those presidential perks!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LUNCHLINE - DAY

11


Tad and Chad are at the front of the line. Suddenly, Chester and AJ push their way through with Timmy behind them.

CHESTERMake way! President comin' through!

CHAD / TADNo way! We were here first!

TIMMYPresidential Privilege.

Tad and Chad growl as Timmy claps twice. SPRING! Tad and Chad are hurled OS. Timmy grabs a TRAY. Trixie, with Veronica, walks up to Timmy.

TRIXIEWhy, Hello, Mister President. I liked the way you used your authority to cut the line!

TIMMY(to Chester and AJ)

She's talking to me! It's working!

TRIXIEI was hoping we could do a long, in-depth interview for the school paper.

TIMMYOh, yeah...

VERONICAWell, I still think Timmy Turner is a loser creep!

Veronica unsnaps the latch on her LUNCHBOX. Chester and AJ snap to attention...

CHESTERLunch!

Chester leaps at Veronica, and throws her OS as AJ grabs Timmy and pulls him in the opposite direction.

AJProtect the package! GO GO GO GO!!!

VERONICAAaaagh!!!!

Timmy is swept OS. As Trixie stares in disbelief.

TIMMY

12


No! Wait! Trixie! I...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - LATER

The bathroom is an absolute mess. Except for ONE STALL. AJ and Chester stand on a RED CARPET leading to THE PRESIDENTIAL STALL. It's HUGE, LADEN WITH GOLD and SHINY.

AJThe Presidential Stall, Sir.

Timmy looks at AJ and Chester standing too close to him.

TIMMYI can't go with you watching me.

AJWe can't stop watching until you go. Sir.

SFX: BELL RINGS.

CHESTERThat bell! The Package is late for presidential duties!

AJKeep The Package's appointments at all costs! GO GO GO GO GO!!!

Chester and AJ WHISK Timmy out.

OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM - Trixie and Veronica - with a black eye - watch as Timmy is dragged OS.

TRIXIEHi, President Timmy!

TIMMYTrixie, wait up!

Veronica opens up a COMPACT to powder herself. AJ flies into scene.

AJSHE'S GOT A DEVICE!

VERONICAAaagh!!!

AJ plows Veronica OS as we...

CUT TO:

13


INT. PLASTIC COVERED CLASSROOM - LATER

In front of a big "FP" - "FUTURE PHLEGMERS" logo, Timmy, with Chester and AJ, stands on stage at a podium, addressing a group of sniffling, wheezing NERDS. We see ELMER the BOIL KID on stage next to Timmy.

TIMMY(bored and falling asleep)And I pledge that organizations like the Future Phlegmers, will get their fair share of funding from student government. The Turner administration will not tolerate bias against the sinus impaired!

Nerdy FP KIDS cheer and then clamor around Timmy, touching and clawing him. It's chaos.

FP KIDS(cheer, sneezing, snorting, wheezing)

CHESTERCode yellow! Code yellow!

AJThe Package must remain germ-free!!

ELMER THE BOIL KIDAh... CHOO!!!

SLOW MOTION - ELMER sneezes...a huge wad of PHLEGM flies through the air. AJ reacts and, in slow motion, "takes a bullet" for Timmy. AJ lands on the ground with a THUD.

TIMMYAJ! AJ! Speak to me!

AJ moves his hand from his chest. There's GOO.

AJIt's okay... It's only... a common cold... ACHOOO!

Timmy cries to the heavens.

TIMMYNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. - "OVAL OFFICE" - DAY

CAMERA PUSHES IN on a FANCY DOOR next to a WATER FOUNTAIN.

14


DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - "OVAL" OFFICE - SAME TIME

Timmy sits behind a HUGE DESK, Cosmo and Wanda pop in.

WANDAHow's our little Mr. El Presidente?

TIMMYMiserable! I do boring stuff all day, can't go to the bathroom by myself and now that Trixie wants to talk to me, we can't, because I get yanked away by my secret service!

WANDAHow'd you get rid of them so we could talk privately?

TIMMYI have ways.

PAN DOWN to reveal, Timmy's not wearing pants or shoes.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESIDENTIAL BATHROOM - SAME TIME

Chester and AJ are outside the stall, two inches from each other. Timmy's shoes and pants are visible from underneath.

CHESTERDetecting no bodily noises from The Package, over!

AJNo unpleasant odor either!

They look in the stall... He's not there! They whip out their WALKIE TALKIES.

AJ The president's been kidnapped!

CHESTERHard target search! Cover all exits! GO GO GO GO GO!!!

They both start to run OS and smack into each other.

CUT TO:

INT. - "OVAL" OFFICE - SAME TIME

WANDA

15


Well, Timmy, nobody ever said being a leader was going to be easy.

TIMMYI didn't want to be a leader, I just wanted to be President. I want out.

WANDAYou have to be impeached.

COSMOYeah! You have to do something so bad the whole school wants you out!

TIMMYGet kicked out of office, huh?? (smile) Lady and gentleman... start your wands.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SCHOOL YARD - DAY

Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda stand in the distance. We see DAVE THE DIMMSDALE DUNG-BEETLE in the BG.

TIMMYLet the impeachment begin! Guys?

Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands and BOOOOOM! DAVE THE DIMMSDALE DUNG-BEETLE EXPLODES! STUDENTS, including Trixie and Veronica - more beaten up - all swarm into scene. Stunned.

TRIXIEPresident Timmy... you've destroyed the school mascot...

VERONICA...Dave, the Dimmsdale Dung Beetle.

TIMMYPretty scandalous, huh? I think you should impeach me.

Everyone begins to CHEER and CLAP.

STUDENT #1I always hated that dung-beetle! I'm glad he's dead!

STUDENT #2Yeah! He eats dung! What kind of mascot is that?

16


STUDENTSFour more years! Four more years!

ON TIMMY as he slaps himself in the face. We...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. - FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Timmy - holding a WANDA FOOTBALL - uses a COSMO BULLHORN to address a bunch of FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

TIMMYAnd, as President, I am using my executive power to ban football forever!

ANGLE ON FOOTBALL PLAYERS - There's a momentary look of shock from the FOOTBALL PLAYERS and then they begin to leap about and skip and jump for joy.

FOOTBALL PLAYER #1Hallelujah! No more sweating and hitting and hurting!

FOOTBALL PLAYER #2I can finally write my musical!

FOOTBALL PLAYER #3Can I be in it? I just want to dance!

The third football player rips off his uniform. HATS and CANES fly in from everywhere. The football players all dance out of scene in a chorus line.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS(singing)

Four more years! Four more years!!

Timmy exits angrily. Cosmo and Wanda look at each other, then, not being able to resist, dance off just like the football players.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - TIMMY'S BEDROOM - LATER

Cosmo and Wanda are in the fishbowl. Timmy paces.

TIMMYThis is hopeless! I'm never gonna get impeached! Everything I do makes me more popular!

WANDAYou need a real scandal!

17


COSMOSomething so hideous, awful, horrible, and humiliating... it's unforgivable! I'll get the monkey!!

TIMMYNo, wait! I've got a better idea.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Timmy holds his hand on an unabridged DICTIONARY. (re:hand on the bible) SANJAY - a geek with glasses whose lenses are thick enough to stop a bullet - administers an oath.

SANJAYWelcome to the Library Assistant's Club, President Turner! Do you swear to always re-shelve according to the Dewey Decimal System and to defend the library against the loudness and gum chewing of all others?

TIMMYYou bet!

TRIXIE (O.S.)GASP!!!!

TAD (O.S.)I knew it!

ON THE DOORWAY - Tad and Chad hold a CAMERA. Trixie and Veronica stand next to them.

TRIXIEIt can't be true!

VERONICAIt is true! President Timmy Turner likes books and periodicals!

SANJAYShhh!!!

They snap the photo. Chester and AJ IMMEDIATELY plow Veronica OS.

VERONICAAaagh!

TADYou're ruined, Turner! RUINED!

18


Off Timmy's rather pleased look we...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - THE AUDITORIUM - DAY

Trixie stands in front of the assembled STUDENTS. On one side of the podium, Timmy. The other side, a furious Tad and Chad. A slide of the PHOTO taken of Timmy taking the Library oath is projected on a huge screen.

TADTimmy Turner, you stand accused of geekiness while in office! How do you plead?

TIMMYHey, it's a free country, right? It's not like I'm a TOTAL geek!

TRIXIEWell... He does have a point...

CHADThen what do you say to... THIS!

Chad points to Timmy's pocket where we see a COSMO POCKET PROJECTOR with pencils, a slide rule and a WANDA PEN.

WANDAGood idea, Puddin'!

COSMOIt's no monkey, but it's geeky!!

ON TIMMY

TIMMYSo what? I like books. I like math too. And I'd join the Future Phlegmers if I had a bad enough allergy. What are you going to do about it? Impeach me?

TADThat's a great idea!

CHADImpeach! Impeach!

VERONICAAll in favor?

A resounding "aye" is heard from the students.

VERONICA

19


Turner is out. Tad and Chad are back in!

AJ and Chester SHOVE a happy Timmy aside and take their places by Tad and Chad. Timmy walks up to Trixie.

TIMMYHey, uh... Now that I'm not the president anymore, I thought maybe you and I could finally have that talk.

TRIXIEThree words. "Not" "President" "Anymore."

Tad and Chad walk up and take Trixie's arm.

TRIXIE So? What's for lunch?

TAD/CHADNot cake!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - A CLASSROOM - LATER

In the empty class room, Cosmo and Wanda console Timmy.

COSMOWell, that's politics! You win a few you lose a lot!

TIMMYWell, I'd rather be a normal geek than student body President any day!

We hear a the <<creak>> of a door.

TIMMY Humans!

POOF! Cosmo and Wanda turn into TWO DESKS. Timmy wheels around. And, to his horror sees... ELMER, The Boil Kid and various other library and phlegmer GEEKS.

ELMERYou stood up for us! Nobody ever stands up for us!

TIMMYReally, guys... It was nothing.

SANJAYNo it wasn't. It was the greatest thing anybody has ever done for us. We're making you President of the

20


Library Assistants Club... FOR LIFE! And we won't take no for an answer!

GEEKSOne of us! One of us! One of us!

They surround him with glee -- and immediately start SNIFFLING, SNEEZING, WHEEZING AND PHLEGMING.

TIMMYNoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Timmy is buried in a sea of geeks.

ON COSMO AND WANDA

COSMOAw! Look how popular he is!

Shakespeare steps in.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEAREAll's well that end's well.

THE END

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130 Hail to the Chief

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