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Managingrelationships12Friends and peers

As we move through high school, riendships with people o

our own age (our peers) are increasingly important. So much

time is spent with peers that getting along with most o them is

desirable. As we mature, getting along with people we work and

live with will have great importance to our happiness.

With people we like, creating riendships and positive

working relationships is mostly easy. We laugh together, make

allowances or each other, and work out arguments quickly.

But generally, it is the people we do not particularly like that

we have to try hardest with. I we could see into the uture, we

would nd that we will meet many people we won’t like but

with whom we will have to deal airly. Getting on with other

people in a positive way is the nature o a healthy community.

Over time, riendships change. Being able to change in

riendships is one o the great challenges o lie.

A student:

4.2 identies and selects strategies that enhance their ability to cope

and eel supported4.3 describes the qualities o positive relationships and strategies to

address the abuse o power.

My bully, my best friend

It was my Grade 6 experience that set me up

so well or Year 7. I went to a new school in G6.

At my old school I was happy and settled and

had lots o riends. When I came to the new

school, everyone was in old riendship groups

and not interested in making a new riend; they

were not unriendly and spoke to me in class

but never made an eort to include me outside

class. I loved sport and was a strong team player

but, when it came to being picked or the teams,

Worksheet 12.1



12 Managing relationships 285

I would always be picked last—I came to expect

that and resolved that i they didn’t want me in

their lives then I didn’t want them. There was one

girl that was part o the ‘cool group’ who decided

that it would amuse her to bully me; she thought

that I was air game. It hurt a lot. I learnt to keep

mysel company and hung out a lot in the libraryreading—I was waiting or the year to nish and

to start secondary school when everyone had

to work at making riends again. I learnt to eel

comortable with my own company; I learnt to

nd interesting things to do.

When I started Y7, I was already comortable

being alone so I wasn’t scared to approach other

kids to make riends—the worst that could

happen was that I would be rejected again and I

had a lot o experience with that. What happened

though was that people liked being approached

in a riendly way. I made a group o good riendsand really started to love school. Later in the

year the girl who bullied me in grade 6, who had

been really miserable at the girls’ school she had

started in Y7, started at my coeducational school.

I was walking down the corridor and saw her

looking lost and sad. I came up to her and said

‘Hi, I’m Jenny, we went to school in G6 together,

do you remember me?’ The guilty look she gave

me conrmed that she remembered me andremembered how she had treated me so badly.

I said ‘You look lost; can I walk you to your class?’

She accepted grateully and ater that she clung

to me. As I got to know her I saw that we had a

lot in common. I was okay with mysel so I didn’t

need to punish her—we became best riends and

that nished o a great Year 7 experience.

To her readers, Jenny would recommend:

Don’t give up! So what i some people

don’t like you? I you keep trying it your way,

eventually you’ll nd the riends worth having!

Jenny, 18 yearsfrom Give it a go girl by Sarah Calleja

<www.actionpsychology.com>

Positive infuencesOur amilies and peers can have great infuence

over our development as we move towards

independence.The important thing about being infuenced

by peers and amily is that you become aware o

these infuences and ask yoursel two important

questions.

Where are my choices leading?

What do I really want or my lie?

1 What did Jenny experience in year 6?

2 What does Jenny mean when she says ‘I learnt to eel

comortable with my own company’?

3 What is surprising about Jenny’s attitude to the girl who

bullied her?

4 What is powerul about Jenny’s way o relating to her

ormer bully?

5 How dierently would boys handle the situation described

by Jenny?

Me

M y dr

ea m s

My

family

My

friends

My

heroes

My

peers

Figure 12.1 Infuences

on our development



Jump into PDHPE Book 1286

Guru Josh’s top 3 inuential people

1 Myoldman,GuruPhil

Guru Phil was a school teacher. He taught maths and was

real keen on it. Unortunately, I could not grasp the simple

workings o an equilateral triangle. Phil, though, never gave

up on me. He got me to 49.5% in Year 10 maths and they

bumped it up to a pass. I never give up on anyone now, even

i they seem to be a total loser.

2Myoldlady,GuruGwen

Guru Gwen was a hairdresser. She cut my hair or ree and

gave me my rst mohawk or Muti Day in Year 8. She was

pretty radical or someone married to Guru Phil. I learnt I

could aord to take some enjoyable risks rom Gwen without

doing anything stupid.

3 Myhero,PeterGarrett

Peter Garrett, the great man, was lead singer o Midnight

Oil. He spoke out about any issue he believed in and backed

it up with some o the most inspiring songs. I learnt to be

mysel and say what I believed in rom Mr Garrett.

Asking these questions makes you do some siting (choosing

and sorting) in regard to what infuences you choose to help

you make choices. The siting process, or choosing your own

path by your own values, is what independence is all about. It

means you still have riends to rely on and be supported by, but

you are basically your own person.

1 How does Guru Josh learn something useul

rom all o his Top 3 infuences?

2 List your Top 3 infuences when it comes to

choosing riends.

Understand and apply

3 Explain how infuences change as you grow

rom a baby into an adult.

4 Write a short drama entitled ‘Infuences’ and

perorm it in class.

Keys to positive relationships

Relationships are ideally about living at peace in a community

of people. Even hermits (people who live outside society) can

end up muttering to themselves or perhaps, like Tom Hanks

in the movie Castaway, to some kind of object (in his case,

‘Wilson’, a soccer ball). You might draw the conclusion that it

is almost impossible for people to live happily without some

kind of relationship.

Worksheet 12.2




Positive relationships have two key qualities. They are always:

caring, or characterised by concern or the other person’s

wellbeing

respectul, or characterised by a belie in the other person’s

dignity and worth.

Relationships that lack either o these two qualities are less

than positive, and at worst negative or abusive.

Positive relationships carry a multitude o good outcomes

and benets. These include:

a sense o security in the other person’s company

a sense o wellbeing in the other person’s company

being able to share important or intimate concerns with the

other person without ear o rejection or humiliation

being able to have un with the other person

being able to trust the other person.

Negative relationships do not carry these kinds o benets

and outcomes. The absence o these things is a reliable sign that

you are in a negative relationship. Managing or getting out o a

negative relationship is covered in chapter 4.

Rights and responsibilitiesThere are rights and responsibilities or each o us as we relate

to each other. Rights are what we can expect rom others. They

include being respected:

emotionally and mentally

socially

spiritually and culturally

physically.

Being respected emotionally and mentally means notexperiencing ‘put downs’ and hurtul jokes or verbal attacks.

It means not being pestered, nagged or bullied.

Being respected socially means being included in activities

and events, in and out o school.

Being respected spiritually and culturally means not

experiencing attacks related to our religion or belies, or being

let out o activities and groups because o them.

Being respected physically means not experiencing any orm

o assault or physical intimidation.

Responsibilities in relationships are the fip side o rights.

They are summed up in a simple proverb: ‘Do to others as youwould have them do to you.’

1 How do we know i our relationships are positive?

2 How do negative relationships make people eel?

3 How can positive relationships help people’s general

health and wellbeing?

4 Why are responsibilities as important as rights in

relationships?




Listening and acceptingSuccessully listening and accepting other people’s opinions

is one o the great tests o school, work and lie. The skill

o listening to other people puts us at a great advantage in

relationships o all kinds. When we are listened to, we eel

worthwhile and respected. When we are not listened to, we eel

dishonoured, humiliated or rejected.

Guru Josh’s tips for listening1 Make eye contact regularly.

2 Imagine you are the other person. How would you eel in

their situation?

3 Breathe deeply and slowly.

4 Nod and give eedback to show you understand what is

being said.

5 Ask questions to help the other person express themselves,e.g. ‘Was that dicult?’ ‘How did you eel about that?’

Accepting other people’s points o view does not mean you

have to agree with them. Accepting other people’s opinions is

basically saying ‘I understand what you are saying and accept

your right to say it.’ Sometimes this is dicult because we

disagree with what is being said. However, while we can win

an argument, a positive relationship is seldom won in this way.

A positive relationship is generally won with respect, even

i it means we bite our tongues when we really want to tellsomeone o! This can be extremely challenging, but extremely

worthwhile.

There is a proverb worth remembering when it comes to

listening: ‘A gentle answer turns away anger while a harsh

answer stirs it up.’ Listening is all about taking a gentle position

and ‘agreeing to disagree’ i it means a positive relationship is

maintained. This does not mean you do not express your own

points o view, but it does mean that the other person will be

more likely to respect your ideas i you do the same or them.

Guru Josh’s tips for accepting others’opinions1 I you absolutely detest the other person’s opinion, it’s

possible to say ‘I disagree’ calmly. It just takes a lot o inner

strength. You could blurt out your disagreement and start an

argument, but that might kill the relationship in the long term.

2 Guru Phil always said, ‘Treat others as you’d like them to

treat you.’ This is a key to accepting people and creating

positive relationships.

Worksheet 12.3




Give and takePositive relationships are all about giving and receiving. I you

are entirely ocused on yoursel, this will be almost impossible.

But i you are able to empathise with the other person (or

imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes), you will see

the need to give them the same things you expect to receive.

Giving and taking can be summed up in one word: sharing.

It can involve sharing:

ood and snacks

use o equipment and space

tasks and duties at school and at home

the limelight!

Expressing needs is a vital part o giving and taking. I the

other person is not aware o a need, they cannot act on it or

provide any means o meeting it. Expressing needs can be as

simple as saying ‘I need a hug’ or as complex as putting on

a bad mood over the course o a week until the other person

notices. Quite clearly, being open and saying what you eel is ar

more positive or a relationship than sulking around or acting

out some weird emotional drama.

• respect

• listening

• time

What

I give

• respect

• listening

• time

What

I take

• respect

• listening

• time

What

I give

• respect

• listening

• time

What

I take

1 Have a two-minute conversation with a partner about

‘what’s hot and what’s not’. Ater two minutes, write

down what you remember rom listening to the otherperson. How well did you listen? Was it hard or easy?

2 Form two groups to debate the subject ‘the best sport o

all time’. When someone interrupts, the other team gets

a point.


Figure 12.2 Positive relationships

are about give and take.

Worksheet 12.4




Providing and accepting supportSupport is caring or other people’s physical, mental, emotional,

social or spiritual needs. It can occur in any kind o relationship

and is all about being there or other people when they need

you, listening to their concerns and assisting them to be

eective and successul in lie. Providing support may mean

helping someone:get rst aid

access ood, water or shelter

get over a dicult experience like the loss o a close riend or

relative

nd the right career or job

build their sel-condence and sel-esteem.

Accepting support can be equally as challenging as

providing it. Accepting support means that the ollowing has

taken place:

you accept you have a problem and verbally express the

need or supportyou respect the person oering support

you have hope or a positive outcome.

All o us will nd we have to swallow our pride when it

comes to accepting support when we need it. This can be very

hard, especially i a person:

is ashamed o the problem that created the need or support

believes deeply that they must end or themselves.

Negotiating respect and support or people begins and ends

with listening, accepting and creating a positive relationship.

When young people nd themselves in a state o diculty

surrounded by shame, it is very important they can trust aperson who oers support. At the same time, it is important

that more experienced and qualied people are involved in

critical situations so that the person experiencing diculty can

be assisted in the best possible way. While keeping secrets can

make the relationship positive, some secrets are harmul to the

person needing support and must be shared with appropriate

people like parents, PDHPE teachers and doctors. Expressing

needs is vital to healthy relating.

1 Why is expressing your eelings and your needs so

challenging?

2 How can we make it easier or each other to express

our needs?

3 Why can giving be as enjoyable as receiving?

4 Why is receiving love important or a human being?




Appreciating diversity in relationshipsPositive relationships come in many shapes and sizes. They are

neither right nor wrong unless someone perect can judge them.

As most o us are imperect, it is best to not be judging others.In the 21st century, same-sex relationships are recognised

by most governments and societies. However, there are

segments o our society that vocally oppose such relationships,

thus encouraging negative stereotyping o homosexual men

and lesbians.

Whatever our opinions are about sexuality, to live in a

caring and respectul society we must be caring and respectul

ourselves, no matter who we relate to.

1 Write dialogues o the ollowing situations so that each person

involved expresses their needs. In pairs, read one another’s

dialogues and make a list o things to avoid/try when expressingneeds.

a A parent wants their 13-year-old to come to a amily dinner

while the 13-year-old knows they must study or an exam.

b A teacher is doubtul o a student’s readiness or the senior

soccer team while the student eels they can do it.

2 Role-play the ollowing scenarios and act out the resolution so

that a positive relationship is preserved.

a A boyriend and girlriend have an argument over who spends

the most money on their dates.

b Two siblings want to use the amily car on Saturday night.

c A wie is concerned her husband does not spend enough timewith her. The husband eels he never has time to go shing.

d A girlriend and boyriend have a conversation about what

they want to do over the weekend. The girlriend really wants

to spend time talking about a problem she has at school.

However, she is embarrassed to express this as a need.


1 What is Australian society’s attitude to same-sex

relationships?

2 How can our opinions about same-sex relationships be

hurtul to others?

3 How do same-sex couples have children?

4 Can same-sex couples raise children as eectively as

heterosexual couples?




Interpersonal communication

Interpersonal communication is what happens when people

relate to each other. This can mean, depending on who you are

relating to:

spoken messagesbody messages (or body language)

written messages.

Show pony....Figure 12.3 People

are always relating

even i they are not

speaking.

When people get together, even i they are not speaking,

they are always relating. For example, i you are alone in a lit

and a stranger enters the lit, you will do something to signal

your reaction to their entry. You may smile, or say ‘hello’, or old

your arms, or stare at the ceiling, or move to the side. All these

things send a message about you to the other person. You may

be open, riendly or shy, or simply uninterested. But you will

always show some sort o response. That is why we are called

human beings. We nd it impossible not to react in some way

when we enter each other’s presence.

Changing modes o communicationThe growth o technology has created new modes o

communication. These include:

mobile phones

the internet

email.




Taken together, these new modes o communication

have created an enormous industry. They have also made

communication more instant. Access to other people is now

24 hours a day.

What did you really hear?In communication, there is a message sent and another

received. This sounds simple, but the nature o human language

and interaction is complex. The result is that the message sent

is not always the one received. Little gestures, tones o voice,

choice o words and the state o mind o both the sender and

the receiver can mean a world o dierence in communication.

Figure 12.4 The message sentis not always the one received

?

1 Discuss the dierences between 18th-century

Australia and Australia today. How did past modes

o communication limit relationships? How did these

modes o communication make a positive contribution

to relationships?

2 Have mobile phones improved our ability to relate to

people today?

3 How has the internet helped lonely people looking or

a relationship?

4 What precautions should be taken when relating to

people over the internet?




1 Play a game o Chinese Whispers, in which

a message is started and passed throughthe class. Compare the message sent with

the one nally received.

2 Below are some situations where

communication is made dicult.

• Identiy the part o the communication

process where the problem occurs.

•Suggest a dierent solution to each

problem.

•Discuss your ideas with a partner.

a You have just been to the dentist and

had a tooth removed. Your mouth is stillswollen and numb rom the anaesthetic

and it is dicult to talk. Your riend rings

you when you get home and wants you


to explain how to do the mathematics

homework.b You are in a oreign country where English

is not spoken and you cannot speak the

language. You nd yoursel completely lost

in a bazaar and cut o rom the rest o

your group.

c You SMS a riend to ask them to meet

you ater school at 3 pm. At 3.05 pm you

receive an SMS to say the riend is waiting

or you at your home. What went wrong?

d You have received an email rom a riend

that reads ‘I thought you liked me but now

I’m not so sure. Are we going to be more

than good riends?’ You have no idea what

they are talking about. What will you do?

Overcoming barriers to communicationThere are many blocks to good communication. As a listener it

is a good idea to remember that pen tapping or other distracting

habits can be o-putting or the speaker. A speaker can eel

undervalued i the person they are speaking to only wants to

talk about themselves instead o actively listening. Jumping to

conclusions, cutting the other person o, putting them down or

blaming them will not lead to constructive conversation.

1 In pairs:

a Each take a ew minutes to prepare a

talk on a sport. Make the speech to your

partner, but don’t mention the name o the

sport. Your partner has to guess which

sport you are talking about. While your

partner is speaking, don’t listen or speak.

Look around, tap, doodle, hum, look away

and ace away. Swap over.

b Ask your partner which sport you were

talking about. Discuss with your partner

how you elt about their behaviour when

you were giving your speech.


2 In one minute, describe a household object

but do not name it. Again your partner has

to guess the name o it. Practise listening,

but you cannot ask questions. Swap over.

Discuss whether the task was easy. Why/

why not?

3 In two minutes, tell your partner about

your avourite holiday. When you nish,

your partner has to repeat everything that

was said without taking notes. Swap over.

Discuss how eective you were at this task.




Resolving confictResolving confict in relationships and riendships relies on

good communication. In act, we might say that the essence o

confict is a breakdown in positive communication.

Table 12.1 Common causes o confict

With friends Borrowing without asking

Arguments over game rules

Revealing a secret

With teachers Student’s ailure to complete homework

Student’s late arrival to class

Teacher not believing student’s excuse

With family Untidy room

Curew rules

Choice o clothes

Common ways o responding to confict include:ignoring the problem or reusing to discuss the issues

involved

aggressive behaviour, such as verbal or physical abuse

suppressing our eelings and allowing the other person to

decide the outcome

sulking and trying to manipulate the other person through

guilt

negotiating a mutually agreed position through open

discussion.

You can see rom these that not all ways o resolving confict

are eective!

Negotiation and compromiseNegotiation is the process by which an agreement is reached,

ater discussing conficting viewpoints. It does not necessarily

bring about a win–win situation every time, as this is not always

possible. Sometimes one or both parties have to compromise

their position in order to resolve the confict. Ideally, in

this situation, the aim is to reach a compromise that allows

both people to eel happy, and eel that they were treated

with respect.

4 Make a list o 14 items. Read the list to

your partner and see how many they can

remember without taking notes. Swap

over and use a dierent list. Discuss how

well you went. When are you in a situation

where you have to try to remember a lot o

inormation? What can help you do this?

5 In two minutes, tell your partner about your

most prized possession. Explain why you like

it so much. You may ask questions. Swap

over. How did this eel compared to the other

tasks?

6 Write a list o strategies to overcome the

communication barriers you have explored.




In confict situations it may be useul to allow time or

tempers to cool and or each individual to think through their

position rationally. Oten i some time is allowed to elapse since

the actual incident, those concerned may then be able to view

the issues rom a more realistic perspective than is possible in

the heat o the moment. Eective negotiation may involve:

understanding the position o the people involved

stating the problem objectively

looking at the problem rom all angles

identiying any obstacles to resolving the problem

generating a range o solutions

reaching an agreement

evaluating the result o the agreement.

‘I’ statementsWhen confict arises, it is important to communicate our

eelings clearly. The use o ‘I’ statements is one method o

taking the sting out o honest discussion. This involves startinga sentence with ‘I’, rather than ‘You’. For example, ‘I eel angry

when you tell me what to do.’ This statement lets the other

person know how you eel but does not criticise or attach blame

to the other person. It spells out the source o confict but

shows the other person that you are taking responsibility or

your own eelings. This is most eective i it is ollowed by some

suggestion o how to resolve the situation.

1 Describe the qualities you seek in a good

riend. What is it that makes a close

riendship last?

2 Draw a model o the communication

process. Include a list o barriers to eective

communication.

3 In pairs, conduct a conversation on any

topic while sitting in the ollowing positions:

back to back, acing each other very closely,

acing each other with eyes closed.

Discuss these questions with your partner.

a What were the barriers to eective

communication?

b How important are the non-verbal cues in

understanding the message?

c How did you eel when your personal

space was invaded?

4 Dene the term ‘active listening’ and explain

its role in eective communication.


5 In groups, prepare a role-play where

someone has to say ‘no’ assertively in

a number o scenarios. Evaluate the

eectiveness o the communication.

6 Write down a description o a confict

situation that you have experienced in recent

weeks.

a How did you resolve it?

b Could it have been resolved more

eectively?c Explain the role o negotiation in confict

resolution.

7 Create a piece o text dealing with some

aspect o confict resolution. You can try:

a a poem

b a cartoon

c an advertisement or a newspaper.




1 Explain two keys to positive relationships.

2 State why appreciating diversity is important to a healthy community.

3 Explain what approaches can be taken to resolve confict.

4 Outline two ways to overcome communication barriers.

5 Explain what infuences our approaches to relationships.

1 Design and write content or a new website or young people. The website must deal

with the issues o ‘youth relationships’.

2 Write a short story dealing with the theme ‘riends or lie’.

3 Create and implement a survey examining the reasons why riendships break up.

Write a report on your ndings.

Match the ollowing words with their denitions.

1 community A Being reliant on another person

2 dependence B Valuing the worth o another person

3 independence C Being sel-reliant

4 respecting D A group o people in relationships

5 humiliating E Paying due respect 6 sulking F Help

7 honouring G Expressing yoursel strongly

8 aggressive H Manipulating another person with emotions

9 assertive I Expressing yoursel too orceully

10 support J Making another person eel small

> Go to <www.cyh.com.au>. Use the inormation you nd there to design a poster topromote confict resolution.

> Go to <www.dryes.com.au>. Use the inormation you nd there to design a one-minute

talk on healthy communication in relationships.

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