Madiba ShuffleThis workout is designed to maximise good karma and will almost certainly result in a long and healthy life.

Step 1: Start with both feet in a reconciliatory stance. i.e. together. Bend your arms at your side and clench your !sts as if you are boxing – or skiing.

Step 2: Slowly move your left foot sideways away from your body. Stay impartial, stay balanced. Be sure not to move too far or you may run the risk of being called “leftist”.

Step 3: Ok, now patiently convince the right foot to join your left foot. Be strong. Do not give in to temptation and lose your credibility.

Step 4: Repeat Step 2. You should now have an overwhelming sense of righteousness and calm. That’s that karma vibe.

Step 5: Now stay focused. This next move is fraught with danger. Move your right foot sideways. Aligning yourself with the right is always tricky, but the rewards are endless, particularly if you…(see Step 6)

Step 6: Convince your left foot to reconcile with the right foot.

Step 7: Now move your !sts back and forth while keeping them at your side.

Warning: This routine may take 27 years to perfect.

Msholozi Machine Gun LungeThe ultimate stress reliever, this exercise will ease the tension caused by succession battles in the workplace, multiple spouses at home and incompetence on the part of your employees.

Step 1: Choose your imaginary weapon. An AK-47 will do.

Step 2: Raise your arms above your waistline, shoulder width apart.

Step 3: Lunge forward, bend your knees slightly as you point your weapon in the direction of Limpopo. This is very important.

Step 4: Relax your arms at your side.

Step 5: Repeat Steps 2, 3 and 4.

Step 6: Now try singing uMshini wami or I Fink U Freeky as you repeat the above steps.

Juju’s Crouching Comrade Hidden TenderFeeling a little under the whip? A little ostracised? Then try this – it will lift your spirits and bring redemption from all quarters, instilling calm among members of the opposite race. But don’t be tjatjarag – you might hurt yourself.

Step 1: Bend your knees as if you are ducking a Hawks investigation, until your behind touches your Achilles heel.

Step 2: Spring up into the air with your hands raised and yell “Nationalisation!”

Step 3: Repeat Step 1 and whisper “Shabaaangu..”

Step 4: Spring into the air with your hands raised and scream “Economic freedom!”

Step 5: Repeat Step 1 and whisper “Limpoooopo…"

Step 6: Spring into the air and shout "Mbeki!"

Step 7: Repeat Step 1 and whisper "Mangauuuung…".

Khulubuse Gut BusterFew people appreciate the impact being a tenderpreneur has on your body mass index (BMI). It’s hard work getting to the trough !rst and one must remain nimble when Uncle gives you the heads up on a lucrative business opportunity. This dynamic workout will keep you ahead of the pack, your mind sharp and – most importantly – keep you slimmer than a starving mineworker.

Step 1: Lie "at on your back like you are sunning yourself on a tropical island.

Step 2: Stretch out your arms to the heavens as if you were reaching for manna

Step 3: Squeeze in your stomach as though you were trying to !t an elephant behind the wheel of a Mercedes SLS AMG.

Step 4: Now slowly lift your torso o# the ground. Be careful at this point. Excessive strain may lead to unfair scrutiny, a "urry of court orders and bouts of binge eating later on.

Step 5: Gently return yourself to the sunbathing position. Remember to breathe a sigh of relief.

Step 6: Return to the sunbathing position and bask in the glow of your achievements.

VIP  ACCESS  ONLY

King Kenny Sushi-board absOnly available to VIP club members. Should you wish to participate in this workout please send R5 000 in a sealed envelope to the o$ces of ZAR nightclub. They’ll call you. No chancers.

Virgin Active SA Wobble & SpinWe should all do our bit to !ght the scourge of racism, and the Virgin Active Wobble & Spin workout is a shining example of how it’s done.

Step 1: Assume the position of innocent party, where everyone is to blame but you. (Also known as The Cyclist)

Step 2: Keep your head down and pretend nothing and no one else exists but you and the exercise bike. Hint: Wear earphones.

Step 3: Back peddle furiously at the !rst sign of strain.

Step 4: Blame the machine.

Step 5: Continue spinning ad nauseam until someone takes notice.

Warning: DO NOT scream “Yebo!”

Zille Roundhouse KickThe jury is out on whether this technique is e#ective at all, but what other choice do you have? For best results ensure that your followers on Twitter are informed of your stance against racism and the lengths to which you are willing to go to prove it.

Step 1: Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent, hands at your side, poised for action.

Step 2: Survey your surroundings for the slightest hint of racist accusations.

Hint: Upon completion you stand a chance of winning R50 000.

Step 4: Repeat Step 1, 2 and 3 – but this time with your leftist leg.

Step 3: Spring into the air, right leg outstretched, and swiftly sweep it in a clockwise direction, as though you were trying to kick a professional black out of Cape Town.

Mac (Maharaj) Bob and WeaveThere’s nothing like a struggle icon to inspire the !ght against discrimination and unfair practice. We should take inspiration only from the best.

Step 1: Bend your knees while keeping your back upright, as though you were dodging a probe by amaBhungane.

Step 2: Stand up straight and assume the defensive position.

Step 3: Sway your head and torso to the left like you were at a press conference and didn’t want your picture taken.

Step 4: Sway your head and torso to the right. Now you want your picture taken.

Step 5: Stand up straight. Push your head back, close your eyes and think of those balmy nights in the Cayman Islands. Breathe.

Lindiwe Parly Pull DownsOnly for the bravest of hearts. This routine is sure to bring joy to gym-goers who face racist remarks on a daily basis.

Step 1: Sit steadily under the heavy weights for maximum e#ect, aspirational thoughts swimming in your head.

Step 2: Breathe deeply as you stretch out your hands above your head.

Step 3: In one swift movement pull down towards your chest. Use your buttocks as leverage against the heavier weights.

Remember: This exercise is no token gesture. Believe in it.

Tenderpreneur Soul DestroyerWhen all else fails, it’s time for extreme measures. The Soul Destroyer is designed to soften the most hardcore racists.Health warning: This may lead to severe bouts of media scrutiny and coughing up.

Step 1: Lie "at on your stomach, arms and legs stretched out, with your face down. (Also known as the “you’re under arrest” position)

Step 2: Bend your head back towards your buttocks.

Step 3: Bend your legs to meet your head. This may give you the appearance of being spineless.

Step 4: Now try to lift your upper torso o# the ground and rock back and forth. Push through the excruciating pain that is now shooting through your entire body. Remember, no pain, no ill-gotten gain.

Step 5: Repeat Step 1. Game over.

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