1

The ROCK Players present…

ImpactBased on Acts 10:1-43

©2009 David Skarshaug (www.alcames.org). Conditions for use: (1) If you use all or parts of this script in any form, please consider sending a suggested $25 donation check made out to “The ROCK” to the following address: Ascension Lutheran Church, 615 Kellogg, Ames, IA 50010. Reference the script title in the memo on the check. (2) Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. (3) You may reproduce this script for internal use, but all copies must contain this copyright statement.

2

Laverne:Laverne: Allee (“L” on shirt)Allee (“L” on shirt)Shirley:Shirley: LaurenLaurenSimon the T:Simon the T: Matt S. (Bill Murray) (Golf Matt S. (Bill Murray) (Golf Club)Club)Carly:Carly: PeriPeriAngel:Angel: NathanNathanCornelius:Cornelius: Toby (R. Dangerfield) (Tie) Toby (R. Dangerfield) (Tie) Groucho Marx:Groucho Marx: Michael (Soldier) (Nose)Michael (Soldier) (Nose)Chico Marx:Chico Marx: Ryan (Servant 1) (Hat)Ryan (Servant 1) (Hat)Harpo Marx:Harpo Marx: Matt W. (Servant 2) (Horn)Matt W. (Servant 2) (Horn)Peter:Peter: JoeJoeVoice of God:Voice of God: Zach (Mask)Zach (Mask)Sheet Angel:Sheet Angel: AnneeAnneeSheet Angel:Sheet Angel: OliverOliver

3

(Laverne enters room. Shirley (Laverne enters room. Shirley is reading her Bible.) is reading her Bible.)

Shirley:Shirley: So where you been.So where you been.

Laverne:Laverne: Oh, nowhere. Oh, nowhere.

4

Shirley:Shirley: (Slams Bible shut.)(Slams Bible shut.) I give up. I don’t get it.I give up. I don’t get it.

Laverne:Laverne: Don’t tell me your Don’t tell me your takin’ another one of those takin’ another one of those night classes to get your night classes to get your degree so’s ya don’t have ta’ degree so’s ya don’t have ta’ work capin’ beer at the work capin’ beer at the brewery no more…Again!brewery no more…Again!

5

Shirley:Shirley: What do ya’ mean, What do ya’ mean, AGAIN? AGAIN?

Laverne:Laverne: Aha! So you are…Aha! So you are…

Shirley:Shirley: No I’m not. I’m just No I’m not. I’m just readin’ my Bible a little bit…readin’ my Bible a little bit…

6

Laverne:Laverne: Readin’ your Bible? Readin’ your Bible? I don’t know what’s more I don’t know what’s more amazing: that you can read or amazing: that you can read or that you have a Bible?that you have a Bible?

7

Shirley:Shirley: Ha, ha, very funny. Ha, ha, very funny. It just so happens that I It just so happens that I bumped into the Ascension bumped into the Ascension Lutheran web site. I’m Lutheran web site. I’m reading the text for this reading the text for this Sunday’s sermon: Acts 10.Sunday’s sermon: Acts 10.

8

Laverne:Laverne: Acts 10? Oh, sure, Acts 10? Oh, sure, the story of the Gentile the story of the Gentile Pentecost. You know, the one Pentecost. You know, the one where the Centurion Cornelius where the Centurion Cornelius from Caesarea is instructed by from Caesarea is instructed by an Angel to invite Simon Peter an Angel to invite Simon Peter who is staying with Simon the who is staying with Simon the Tanner down by the sea in Tanner down by the sea in Joppa to Joppa to

9

Laverne: come visit him, and Laverne: come visit him, and Simon Peter has a vision of Simon Peter has a vision of unclean animals in a sheet unclean animals in a sheet that he says he won’t eat, only that he says he won’t eat, only God says he can, and then God God says he can, and then God tells Peter that Corny’s men tells Peter that Corny’s men are coming to see him, and are coming to see him, and

10

Laverne: he invites them in Laverne: he invites them in and they travel back to and they travel back to Corny’s place in Caesarea, and Corny’s place in Caesarea, and Corny bows down to Peter, and Corny bows down to Peter, and Peter says “don’t bow down” Peter says “don’t bow down” and then Peter preaches the and then Peter preaches the Gospel to them and their Gospel to them and their Gentile friends and relatives, Gentile friends and relatives, and they’re baptized and the and they’re baptized and the Gentile church is born.Gentile church is born.

11

Shirley:Shirley: (Comes over to (Comes over to Laverne and looks at monitor.)Laverne and looks at monitor.) Say, what are you readin’ that Say, what are you readin’ that or something?or something?

Laverne:Laverne: (Mocking tone.)(Mocking tone.) No, No, I’m not “readin’ that or I’m not “readin’ that or something.” What do you something.” What do you think the “L” on my shirts think the “L” on my shirts stands for?stands for?

12

Shirley:Shirley: Laverne, you don’t Laverne, you don’t want to know what people want to know what people think the “L” on your shirts think the “L” on your shirts stands for.stands for.

Laverne:Laverne: It stands for “Learn-It stands for “Learn-ed”. ed”.

13

Shirley:Shirley: Okay, so if you’re so Okay, so if you’re so smart, explain it to me? Why smart, explain it to me? Why the tanner? I didn’t even know the tanner? I didn’t even know they had tanning booths in they had tanning booths in those days.those days.

Laverne:Laverne: Shirley, you dying Shirley, you dying your hair again? Simon the your hair again? Simon the Tanner was a skinner…a guy Tanner was a skinner…a guy who skinned animals.who skinned animals.

14

Shirley:Shirley: Well, half the story Well, half the story takes place at his home, but takes place at his home, but he never actually appears in he never actually appears in the story.the story.

Laverne:Laverne: So let’s use our So let’s use our imagination. You see there’s imagination. You see there’s this guy Simon the Tanner on this guy Simon the Tanner on his rooftop by the sea, his rooftop by the sea, practicing his long shot…practicing his long shot…(Caddy Shack music. Simon (Caddy Shack music. Simon appears on stage with golf appears on stage with golf bag). bag).

15

Simon:Simon:Everyone quiet now. Everyone quiet now. Here we are on the 18Here we are on the 18thth hole of hole of the final round at Augusta. the final round at Augusta. Simon the Tanner, Cinderella Simon the Tanner, Cinderella boy at the masters…oh I’d say boy at the masters…oh I’d say it’s about 500 yards or so from it’s about 500 yards or so from the green. That would be the green. That would be about a 5-iron shot. He needs about a 5-iron shot. He needs a birdie to tie it. a birdie to tie it. (Swings (Swings club.)club.) Oh, it’s a beauty, it’s Oh, it’s a beauty, it’s gonna’ be about pin high. Oh, gonna’ be about pin high. Oh, and it’s in hole. It’s in the and it’s in hole. It’s in the hole.” And the fans here at hole.” And the fans here at Augusta are going crazy.Augusta are going crazy.

16

Carly:Carly: (From off-stage.)(From off-stage.) Simon! Simon, is that you up Simon! Simon, is that you up there on the roof again?there on the roof again?

Simon:Simon:Yes, my dearest. I’ll be Yes, my dearest. I’ll be right there. right there. (To audience.)(To audience.) This whole engagement thing This whole engagement thing is starting to wear on me.is starting to wear on me.

17

Carly:Carly: (Enters stage.) (Enters stage.) There There you are! Hey, your not you are! Hey, your not wasting your time clubbing wasting your time clubbing rocks into the sea again, are rocks into the sea again, are you?you?

18

Simon:Simon:Carly, my fiancé, my Carly, my fiancé, my princess. You know every man princess. You know every man needs a little recreation, and needs a little recreation, and it’ll be a couple thousand it’ll be a couple thousand years until they invent video years until they invent video games, so I’m working on a games, so I’m working on a new sport. I think I’ll call it new sport. I think I’ll call it “Club”. “Club”.

19

Carly:Carly: That’s it, Simon! I That’s it, Simon! I know we’re engaged to be know we’re engaged to be married and all. But I’ve had married and all. But I’ve had it. It’s official, our engagement it. It’s official, our engagement is off!is off!

Simon:Simon:But Carly, my princess, But Carly, my princess, what have I done to offend what have I done to offend you.you.

20

Carly:Carly: What have you done? What have you done? First you tell me you’re the First you tell me you’re the son of a Rabbi... son of a Rabbi...

Simon:Simon:Well, my father’s name Well, my father’s name was Rabbi. Rabbi the tanner.was Rabbi. Rabbi the tanner.

21

Carly:Carly: TANNER! You and your TANNER! You and your father are tanners: you are up father are tanners: you are up to your elbows in blood and to your elbows in blood and carcasses day in and day out. carcasses day in and day out. By Jewish law you are By Jewish law you are ceremonially unclean! Why ceremonially unclean! Why you can’t even live in town. you can’t even live in town. You are stuck here by the sea!You are stuck here by the sea!

Simon:Simon:Pretty view, isn’t it?Pretty view, isn’t it?

22

Carly:Carly: I’m sorry, Simon. But I’m sorry, Simon. But it’s off. The engagement is it’s off. The engagement is off. off.

Shirley:Shirley: So you think Simon So you think Simon was divorced from his fiancé? was divorced from his fiancé?

23

Laverne:Laverne: Well, we don’t know Well, we don’t know anything about Simon, really. anything about Simon, really. But what we do know is that to But what we do know is that to Jew’s, the trade of being a Jew’s, the trade of being a tanner was considered so tanner was considered so unclean that tanner’s had to unclean that tanner’s had to live at least 50 cubits outside live at least 50 cubits outside of town.of town.

Shirley:Shirley: So that’s why Simon So that’s why Simon lived by the sea!lived by the sea!

24

Laverne:Laverne: Exactly. And if a Exactly. And if a woman was engaged to a woman was engaged to a tanner who had misled the tanner who had misled the woman about his occupation, woman about his occupation, Jewish law actually allowed for Jewish law actually allowed for the woman to call the the woman to call the engagement off because the engagement off because the tanner was seen as being tanner was seen as being perpetually unclean. perpetually unclean.

Shirley:Shirley: Wow, so tanners Wow, so tanners really got no respect.really got no respect.

25

Laverne:Laverne: Which brings us Which brings us back to our story. You see, back to our story. You see, Christ’s follower’s at the time Christ’s follower’s at the time were still largely Jewish, and were still largely Jewish, and they were struggling with they were struggling with what to do with Gentiles like what to do with Gentiles like Cornelius, who were drawn to Cornelius, who were drawn to the Jewish God, but Jewish the Jewish God, but Jewish rules and norms kept the two rules and norms kept the two groups apart.groups apart.

26

Cornelius:Cornelius: Respect. I tell you, I Respect. I tell you, I don’t get no respect. don’t get no respect. (Adjust (Adjust tie.) tie.)

Angel:Angel: Cornelius!Cornelius!

Cornelius:Cornelius: What is it, Lord?What is it, Lord?

27

Angel:Angel: God has heard your God has heard your prayers and observed your prayers and observed your gifts to the poor. Now send gifts to the poor. Now send men to Joppa to bring back a men to Joppa to bring back a man named Simon who is man named Simon who is called Peter. He is staying with called Peter. He is staying with Simon the tanner, whose Simon the tanner, whose house is by the sea.house is by the sea.

28

Cornelius:Cornelius: A tanner?A tanner?

Angel:Angel: Don’t askDon’t ask! (Exits.)! (Exits.)

Cornelius:Cornelius: Groucho, Chico, Groucho, Chico, Harpo! Harpo! (Marx brothers (Marx brothers appear.)appear.)

29

Chico:Chico: You call, boss?You call, boss?

Cornelius:Cornelius: Yes, Groucho, Chico, Yes, Groucho, Chico, and Harpo, my trusted and Harpo, my trusted servants! Now I need you servants! Now I need you boys to go to Joppa by the boys to go to Joppa by the Sea. Sea.

30

Groucho:Groucho: Joppa? Joppa? (To (To audience.)audience.) Now that’s the Now that’s the funniest word I’ve ever heard. funniest word I’ve ever heard. I don’t know about you boys, I don’t know about you boys, but I’ll take Cardiff by the Sea.but I’ll take Cardiff by the Sea.

Cornelius:Cornelius: No, Joppa!No, Joppa!

Harpo:Harpo: (Honks horn several (Honks horn several times.)times.)

31

Cornelius:Cornelius: What did he say?What did he say?

Chico:Chico: He said, “so you want He said, “so you want us to find Simon Peter at the us to find Simon Peter at the home of Simon the Tanner?”home of Simon the Tanner?”

Cornelius:Cornelius: Exactly!Exactly!

32

Shirley:Shirley: The names of The names of Cornelius’ servants and soldier Cornelius’ servants and soldier were Groucho, Chico, and were Groucho, Chico, and Harpo?Harpo?

Laverne:Laverne: What’d you expect? What’d you expect? Lenny and Squiggy? Now pay Lenny and Squiggy? Now pay attention, Shirley! attention, Shirley!

33

Shirley:Shirley: So the three of So the three of them all head out for Joppa. them all head out for Joppa. We’ll pick it up the next day We’ll pick it up the next day when Peter is praying on the when Peter is praying on the roof of Simon’s house. Now roof of Simon’s house. Now it’s about noon, and he’s it’s about noon, and he’s getting kind of hungry, so the getting kind of hungry, so the Lord gives him a vision.Lord gives him a vision.

Laverne:Laverne: Bratwurst and Bratwurst and anchovy pizza?anchovy pizza?

34

Shirley:Shirley: Worse!Worse!

(Peter is praying on the roof. (Peter is praying on the roof. Four angels enter with sheet. Four angels enter with sheet. Another tosses stuffed animals Another tosses stuffed animals into the sheet.)into the sheet.)

35

Peter:Peter: (Looks at sheet. Picks (Looks at sheet. Picks up a vile looking creature. up a vile looking creature. Looks at audience.)Looks at audience.) Let this Let this be a lesson to you. Never pray be a lesson to you. Never pray on an empty stomach!on an empty stomach!

God:God: Get up, Peter. Kill and Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.eat.

36

Peter:Peter: Surely not, Lord! I Surely not, Lord! I have never eaten anything have never eaten anything impure or unclean.impure or unclean.

God:God: Do not call anything Do not call anything impure that God has made impure that God has made clean.clean.

37

Shirley:Shirley: Now Peter has this Now Peter has this vision three times, right vision three times, right Laverne?Laverne?

Laverne:Laverne: Three is a big Three is a big number for Pete. He denied number for Pete. He denied the Lord 3 times. Jesus asked the Lord 3 times. Jesus asked him if he loved him 3 times. him if he loved him 3 times.

38

Shirley:Shirley: And now he refuses And now he refuses God’s picnic spread three God’s picnic spread three times.times.

Laverne:Laverne: And remember in And remember in Mark 5:18, Jesus said “Don't Mark 5:18, Jesus said “Don't you see that nothing that you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside enters a man from the outside can make him 'unclean'?”can make him 'unclean'?”

39

Shirley:Shirley: So the food part of So the food part of this is really consistent with this is really consistent with what Peter heard from Jesus what Peter heard from Jesus himself. himself.

Laverne:Laverne: It’s all consistent. It’s all consistent. So much of what the disciples So much of what the disciples re-learned in Acts is stuff that re-learned in Acts is stuff that Jesus had tried to teach them Jesus had tried to teach them over and over and over again over and over and over again in his three years of ministry in his three years of ministry with them.with them.

40

Shirley:Shirley: People can be kind People can be kind of dense, can’t we, Laverne?of dense, can’t we, Laverne?

Laverne:Laverne: Don’t even get me Don’t even get me started. Now back to Peter…started. Now back to Peter…

Peter:Peter: Hmm. Strange vision, Hmm. Strange vision, God. What could it mean?God. What could it mean?

41

God:God: Simon, three men are Simon, three men are looking for you. So get up and looking for you. So get up and go downstairs. Do not hesitate go downstairs. Do not hesitate to go with them, for I have to go with them, for I have sent them.sent them.

Peter:Peter: (Goes down steps. To (Goes down steps. To audience.)audience.) Yikes! Gentiles. Yikes! Gentiles. And funny looking ones too! And funny looking ones too! (Chico Tips hat, Groucho tips (Chico Tips hat, Groucho tips cigar. Harpo honks his horn.)cigar. Harpo honks his horn.)

42

Groucho:Groucho: So, pardon me, but So, pardon me, but our master, the Roman our master, the Roman Centurion, Cornelius of Centurion, Cornelius of Caesarea has sent for you.Caesarea has sent for you.

43

Peter:Peter: Oh, God? First you Oh, God? First you send me to a tanner’s house. send me to a tanner’s house. Now you send me Gentiles? Now you send me Gentiles? What could be worse than a What could be worse than a tanner’s house? A tanner’s tanner’s house? A tanner’s house full of Gentiles?house full of Gentiles?

God:God: Peter, do not call Peter, do not call anything impure that God has anything impure that God has made clean.made clean.

44

Peter:Peter: Very well, come in. Very well, come in. (Motions for men to enter.)(Motions for men to enter.)

Shirley:Shirley: So they lived So they lived happily ever after, right, happily ever after, right, Laverne?Laverne?

45

Laverne:Laverne: No, now the fun No, now the fun really starts. The next day, really starts. The next day, Pete and his guests, along Pete and his guests, along with some of Pete’s with some of Pete’s undisclosed friends head for undisclosed friends head for Caesarea.Caesarea.

Shirley:Shirley: Perhaps even Simon Perhaps even Simon the Tanner went with them?the Tanner went with them?

Simon:Simon:Hey, what do you mean, Hey, what do you mean, “Perhaps even Simon the “Perhaps even Simon the Tanner?” I’m really not that Tanner?” I’m really not that bad. bad.

46

Whole Cast:Whole Cast: He is that bad!He is that bad!

Simon:Simon: Just a little rough Just a little rough around the edges…is all. around the edges…is all. (Sniffs pits.)(Sniffs pits.) Well, maybe just Well, maybe just a shower would help.a shower would help.

47

Laverne:Laverne: And When they And When they arrive at the home of arrive at the home of Cornelius, Peter—who has Cornelius, Peter—who has stayed in a tanner’s home and stayed in a tanner’s home and invited Gentile guests to invited Gentile guests to spend the night—now takes spend the night—now takes yet another step. He enters a yet another step. He enters a Gentile home and preaches Gentile home and preaches the gospel message to him the gospel message to him and his friends and family.and his friends and family.

48

Shirley:Shirley: And now he really And now he really realizes that God’s vision realizes that God’s vision wasn’t just about food, but wasn’t just about food, but about bending or even about bending or even breaking man-made norms, breaking man-made norms, rules, and biases to share the rules, and biases to share the Gospel with everyone.Gospel with everyone.

49

Peter:Peter: You are well aware that You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew it is against our law for a Jew to associate with a Gentile or to associate with a Gentile or visit him. But God has shown visit him. But God has shown me that I should not call any me that I should not call any man impure or unclean. So man impure or unclean. So when I was sent for, I came when I was sent for, I came without raising any objection. without raising any objection.

50

Lavern:Lavern: And the rest of the And the rest of the story is in Acts 10:34-47, story is in Acts 10:34-47, where Pete gives his mini where Pete gives his mini sermon, the people believe, sermon, the people believe, are baptized, and saved. are baptized, and saved.

Simon:Simon:Excuse me?Excuse me?

51

Lavern:Lavern: Yes?Yes?

Simon:Simon: I have a question? Is I have a question? Is this just about Jews, Tanners, this just about Jews, Tanners, and Gentiles, or does it apply and Gentiles, or does it apply to these people too? to these people too? (Gestures to audience?)(Gestures to audience?)

52

Peter:Peter: I think I know the I think I know the answer to that. You see, as answer to that. You see, as Christians we’re to follow Christians we’re to follow Christ’s example. Just as God Christ’s example. Just as God left heaven and entered the left heaven and entered the unclean confines of earth to go unclean confines of earth to go to a place he really didn’t fit to a place he really didn’t fit in, so also I was called to go in, so also I was called to go among the unclean and among the unclean and witness. witness.

53

Cornelius:Cornelius: Sometimes as Sometimes as Christians we’d rather not Christians we’d rather not bother entering the unclean bother entering the unclean world, but would rather keep world, but would rather keep to ourselves or pretend we can to ourselves or pretend we can help save the world without help save the world without entering it. entering it.

54

Cornelius: (Cont’d) Fortunately Cornelius: (Cont’d) Fortunately for us, Jesus didn’t do that, for us, Jesus didn’t do that, and neither did Peter. And and neither did Peter. And just as God asked Peter to just as God asked Peter to enter my home, so he’s going enter my home, so he’s going to call each of us into areas of to call each of us into areas of ministry where we might not ministry where we might not feel at home. That’s when the feel at home. That’s when the church can make an impact.church can make an impact.

55

God:God: Michael Card sang a Michael Card sang a song about how Peter learned song about how Peter learned this lesson. Please listen and this lesson. Please listen and follow along.follow along.