1

2

HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND,

THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD

The Challenges of Communication

&

The Skill of Empathy

3

THE HABIT OF EMPATHIC COMMUNICATION

We need to listen to one another if we are to make it through this age of apocalypse and avoid the chaos

of the crowd.

- Chaim Potok

4

UNDERLYING PRINCIPLES

Diagnosis must precede prescription.

Understanding comes through listening.

5

Diagnose Before You Prescribe

Describe a time when someone didn’t listen to you before prescribing an answer.

How did you feel? When do you fail most to listen to

others? Why?

6

Levels of Listening Ignoring: making no effort to listen Pretend Listening: making believe or

giving the appearance you are listening Selective Listening: hearing only the

parts of the conversation that interest you

Attentive Listening: paying attention and focusing on what the speaker says, and comparing that to your own experiences

7

PERCEPTIONS

Our perceptions of others are skewed to meet our own needs.

We judge others on the basis of their actions.

We judge ourselves on the basis of our intentions.

We hear and see what we need or expect to hear.

8

Problems which lead to communication difficulties

Defensiveness Inarticulate Hidden Agendas Status

Differences Environment Hostility

9

When others speak

We listen at one of the five levels People who listen at the first four levels

often pursue personal motives People who practice ate the fifth level of

listening, empathic listening, try to discover what the other person really means and feels from his or her point of view

10

Autobiographical Responses

Can keep us from understanding. When we listen to people, we tend to

filter what we hear through our own experiences.

Our background creates certain “autobiographical filters.”

We translate others’ words and feelings to fit our opinions and experiences.

11

4 Autobiographical Responses

Advising Probing Interpreting Evaluating

12

Autobiographical Responses ADVISING: Giving counsel, advice, and

solutions to problems PROBING: Asking questions from our

won frame of reference or agenda INTERPRETING: Explaining another’s

motives and behavior based on our own experiences. Trying to figure people out.

EVALUATING: Judging, and either agreeing or disagreeing.

13

ADVISING

Give counsel based on your own experiences.

Saying, “Let me tell you what I would do…” is belittling to the requestor.

This is more frequently exhibited in males than in females.

Males try to solve problems, females look for sounding boards.

14

PROBING Webster's Dictionary defines a probe as

a blunt instrument used to explore a wound.

Ask questions from your own frame of reference.

Reframing the problem away from the requestor’s to a problem you have.

This diverts the discussion and should be avoided.

15

INTERPRETING & EVALUATING

Explain motives and behavior based on your own motives and behavior.

Reading between the lines and psychoanalyzing are not techniques used by effective people.

Agree to disagree.

16

DON’T THROW A PIE!

Don’t throw A (advising) P (probing) I (interpreting) E (evaluating)

17

How does the message change?

I want you to call me. I want you to call me. I want you to call me. I want you to call me. I want you to call me.

18

HOW WE COMMUNICATE

Words We Use7%

Body Language55%

Tone and Inflection

38%

19

Communication is paying attention to Appearance Posture Body Language Gestures Eye Contact Facial Expressions Voice- pitch,

volume, inflection, pace

20

Empathetic Listening

Listening with intent to understand the other person’s frame of reference and feelings

You must listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart.

21

5 Empathetic Listening Responses

Repeat Verbatim Rephrase Content Reflect Feelings Rephrase Content

and Reflect Feelings Discern

22

Empathetic Listening is important under certain conditions: When interaction has a strong emotional

component. When the relationship is strained or trust

is low. When we are not sure we understand. When the data is complex or unfamiliar. When we are not sure the other person

feels confident that we understand.

23

Practice Empathetic Listening

The skill of Empathetic Listening takes practice.

It combines several skills, including capturing feelings from nonverbal clues and phrasing empathetic responses clearly and supportively.

24

Empathetic Listening is not good for everything. Sometimes only silence and patience

work. In many interactions, autobiographical

responses work. Sometimes nothing seems to work. Empathetic Listening is one of many

tools to help us understand others.

25

Empathy is not Sympathy

We have empathy when we put ourselves in another’s place and experience feelings as he or she experiences them.

This does not mean we agree (as in sympathy), but that we understand the other point of view.

26

Seeking to be understood

Like win-win, this habit balances courage and consideration.

While understanding another person takes consideration, getting another person to understand us takes courage.

27

Then Seek to be Understood

When you present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most importantly contextually- in the context of a deep understanding of their paradigms and concerns- you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.

28

TRANSACTIONAL TO TRANSFORMATIONAL By seeking first to understand, we can

turns transactional opportunity into a transformational opportunity.

We can get on the same side of the table looking at the problem instead of staying on opposite sides staring at each other

29

One on One

Habit 5 is powerful because it focuses on your circle of influence.

You are focusing on building your understanding.

You become influenceable, which is the key to influencing others.

As you appreciate people more, they will appreciate you.

30

SYNERGY

When we really deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and third alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress.

Instead they become stepping stones to synergy.