A Phenomenology of LoveBy Manuel B. Dy Jr.

What is “L VE”?

Preconceptions of L ve:♥ Love = ROMANCE♥ Love an ACT OF POSSESSING ♥“I love you” has come to mean “You are mine”♥ Love synonymous to sex

Book: The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm

♥ Mentions love in the present as “falling in love”

3 Reasons: Emphasis on1.Being loved rather than on loving2.The object loved rather than on faculty of

loving3.Confusion between Initial State of falling

in love & Permanent Standing in love.

The ORIGINAL“experience”of LOVE.• Loneliness and Love• The Loving Encounter• Reciprocity of Love• Creativity of Love• Union of Love• The Gift of Self• Love is Historical• Equality in Love• Love is Total, Eternal and Sacred>> LOVE, a four-letter word that is not easy to define

broadly. Yet let u try to define it through the following concepts.

1. Loneliness and Love• The experience of love begins from the

experience of loneliness.• The experience of loneliness is basically a

human experience. • There comes a point to a human person’s

life when toys and food are no longer interesting. This is the time when one becomes conscious of oneself and begins to ask the question about his identity.

1. Loneliness and Love• Along with this experience is also the

tendency of a person to seek out to other persons with the same identity as his. They became his barkada.

• Very often, however, this barkada does not fill in all the empty spaces of a person’s life.

• Very seldom does he find himself in a group who will take him for all that he is, different from the group.

1. Loneliness and Love• Until this equality will mean oneness

in difference, the person will remain lonely amidst a crowd.

• In an attempt to conform to the group and hide one’s individuality, his loneliness eventually expresses itself as an experience of boredom.

1. Loneliness and Love• To overcome this boredom and loneliness,

the person may resort to drinks and drugs or any form of heightened sensation as a temporary escape from reality.

• Another resort to overcome the experience of loneliness is to keep oneself busy with creative activity.

• Eventually, however, the person will tire himself out and boredom continues to creep in.   

1. Loneliness and Love• The answer to the problem of loneliness is

the reaching out to the other person. Love is the answer to the problem of loneliness because it is only in love that I find oneness with the other and still remain myself.

• Loneliness ends when one finds or is found by another in what we call a loving encounter.

2. The Loving Encounter• The loving encounter is a meeting of

persons. This meeting is not simply like a bumping into each other or an exchange of pleasant remarks. I can bump into any person without having a loving encounter.

• Loving encounter rather means an encounter that happens between two persons or more who are free to be themselves and choose to share themselves. It presupposes an I-Thou communication.

2. The Loving Encounter• The loving encounter requires an appeal,

an appeal of the other addressing my subjectivity. This appeal may be a gesture, glance, etc. – all these can be signs of an invitation for me to go outside of myself toward the other.

• Often times, I ignore these signs. To be able to see the appeal of the other, I need an attitude, a heart that has broken away from self-preoccupation.

2. The Loving Encounter• What is this appeal?

• This appeal of the other is not his corporeal or spiritual attractive qualities. The appeal of the other is himself/herself. It is a call to participate in his subjectivity, to be with and for him/her.

2. The Loving Encounter• While it is true that I need an attitude that

would enable me to go outside of myself and see the appeal of the other, it is also true that the appeal of the other enables me to go outside of myself.

• If the appeal of the other is himself, it follows that the appropriate response from me is also Myself.

• The phenomenon of love, hence, is an intersubjective experience.

2. The Loving Encounter• Thus, if this appeal of the other is his own

subjectivity, presented and given to me, my response and acceptance of this subjectivity is very crucial.

•  If I do not respect this subjectivity by attempting to change it according to my own preference, I have already violated against the person.

2. The Loving Encounter• Love means willing the other’s free self-

realization and happiness. In love, the other does not give me his freedom. Rather, the other becomes freer because of me.

• Willingness to the other’s subjectivity implies a personal knowledge about the other. I must know what makes him/her happy and what is good for him/her.

2. The Loving Encounter• Other than personal knowledge,

willingness to the other’s subjectivity also implies willingness for him to grow.

• Growth takes time; hence, in love I must learn to wait.

3. Reciprocity of Love• It seems that in the loving encounter the

focus is always toward the other. What about me?

• As a response to the other’s offering of subjectivity, I also give to the other my own subjectivity.

• Giving to the other my self requires his acceptance.

3. Reciprocity of Love• In love, I am showing my own vulnerability.

There is indeed an element of sacrifice in loving the other which is often understood by many as a loss of self.

• However, love does not mean a loss of self. In loving the other I do not lose myself. Rather, I fulfill and complete it.

3. Reciprocity of Love• If my love is to be authentic, the gift of my

self must be something valuable to me. I cannot give to the other something which I consider as a trash. The other is not a trashcan but seen more as a treasure chest.

• There exist in loving the other the desire to be loved in return. The desire is essential but it should not become the motive of loving. I do not love because I expect to be loved in return.

• .

3. Reciprocity of Love• The primary motive in loving the other

is the other himself, the “You”.• The “You” in love is discovered by the

lover himself.• Since the “you” is another subjectivity,

he is free to accept or reject my offer. Rejection or unreciprocated love is no doubt a painful experience.

3. Reciprocity of Love• Reciprocity is a mutual granting of equal

rights and benefits. If we would apply to love is being mutual, love means to give-and take.

• There is indeed an element of sacrifice in loving the other which is often understood by many as a loss of self.

• To be able to love, one must be able to love oneself first.

4. Creativity of Love

• When love is reciprocated, love becomes fruitful; it becomes creative.

• What is created in love is growth and self-realization and fulfilment.

5. Union of Love• The “we” that is created in love is the

union of persons and their worlds.• The union of love, however, does not

involve the loss of identities. On the contrary, there self-realization. We become more of ourselves by loving each other.

• As what poet E.E. Cummings says: “one’s not half two, it’s two that are halves of one.”

6. The Gift of Self• “Love is essentially a gift of

self.• To give myself in love is not so

much to give what I have as of what I am and can become.

• To give myself is to give whatever that is alive in me.

6. The Gift of Self• I am able to give myself because I

experience a kind of richness. This richness cannot help but overflow to the other.

• But why to this particular other? Why did I choose you and not some other? Because you are lovable, and you are lovable because you are you.

7. Love is Historical• Love is historical because the

other who is the point at issue in love is a concrete particular person, not an abstract one.

• The concrete other is not an ideal person but a unique being with all his strength and weaknesses.

7. Love is Historical• To love is to love the other

historically.• Love, thus, involves no

abstraction. Everything in love is concrete.

8. Equality in Love• If love is essentially between

persons, then it follows that love can only thrive and grow in freedom.

• Love is not bondage but liberation.• There exists therefore an equality of

persons in love.

8. Equality in Love• Love is not a bondage but a liberation. In

love there must be no superior/inferior. Freedom must be practiced w/in love. Freedom to be your own self, and express the mutual love shared w/ your loved one.

Ex: Love being demonstrated w/ our Friends• We accept and respect each other’s

differences including strengths and weaknesses.

9. Love is Total, Eternal and Sacred“Love as gift to the other as self cannot be but total” •A person is indivisible and persists through time and space.•We express authentic love without limit and without periphery.•As such, love as a gift of self to the other as self cannot but be total. “I do not give only a half of me but a total me…”•Love, then, is total.

9. Love is Total, Eternal and Sacred• Moreover, the gift of myself to the other is

not given only for a limited period of time. In love, I cannot say to you “you are my friend only insofar as you are my classmate” or “I love you only for two years”.

• Love implies immortality; it is eternal.• As Gabriel Marcel would say, “I love you”

means “you shall not die”.

9. Love is Total, Eternal and Sacred• Love is sacred. The persons

involved in love are unique, irreplaceable and as such are valuable in themselves. And since love is the gift of a person of his own self to other person, their relationship is also sacred. It is sealed w/ trust, intimacy and even share secrets

Nevertheless, after all the discussions about love, it seems as if love in itself is never exhausted. Love is a mystery. To see this mystery is to experience it, rather than talk about it. But what can love do to one’s life. Try it anyway and see if without love, you can be anything at all.

Matiyaga ang pag-ibig at may kagandahang-loob. Hindi ito nagseselos, nagmamapuri, o nagmamataas. Hindi gumagawa ng di tama o tumitingin sa sarili; hindi nagagalit o nagtatanim ng sama ng loob; hindi natutuwa sa kasamaan kundi nagagalak sa katotohanan. Ang pag-ibig ay nagbabata sa lahat, naniniwala sa lahat, umaasa sa lahat at nagtitiyaga sa lahat. Ang pag-ibig ay di kailanman magmamaliw. Taglay natin ngayon ang tatlong ito: pananampalataya, pag-asa at pag-ibig; ngunit pinakadakila sa mga ito ang pag-ibig.

- Corinto 13: 4-8,13