Penny’s a ROBOT??!? Also I think the world is ending or something…

THE BEACON POSTPublished By Team PEAK

Welcome to the shit show everyone.

Written By Eris Atropa

Want to advertise? Visit: www.GivePateMoneyNow.eduThe “Bring on the Angst” Edition!

This week’s article brought to you by Lie Ren’s Algae Health Shakes

Photography provided by Velvet Scarlatina. Um… thanks… I guess.

Local Woman Cockblocks Self with Psychic Powers We All Kinda Forgot about Because of Crippling Leaf Phobia.

“…not poison…” - Nora Valkyrie

Ren even gave us some for the office and it was… delicious… All the plants are dead though.

After some frightening health tips from Team JNPR, local doofus Jaune Arc finally decides to grow a pair. Following some totes adorable snuggling between some of Beacon’s most shippable teammates, Jaune decides to give Nikos a pep talk that would have been great in literally any other situation. Instead of being comforted, Nikos decided to give the ever unfortunate Mr. Arc a “Magneto Bitchslap” which is coincidentally the name of one of my favorite cocktails. Nikos later was seen drowning her sorrows in cotton candy. Glenda Goodwitch was also seen in the area saying, “Fuck this shit I’m out!” She’s probably just stressed. In other news, the next matchup for the 1v1 rounds of the Vytal Festival tournament have been selected with absolutely no investigation into the abject fuckery that happened last time. Our contestants toady are Ms. obviously not a robot, Penny Polendina, and possibly emotional unstable magnet god Pyrrha Nikos. This can only go well.

Vale man decapitates robot, shows up drunk to sword fight.

The official statement according to Beacon press correspondent Glenda Goodwitch is that, “None of this ever happened, get that camera out of my face, you can’t prove

THE POSTwww.burnie.com ”WORLD’S BEST NEWSPAPER” - Jaune's mother

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Despite being a figment of all of our collective imagination, hallucination Ozpin still managed to throw a decent amount of shade at everyone’s good friend, General Ironwood. The content of the hallucination mainly explained stuff anyone attending the Vytal festival tournament should already know. Ozpin ended saying that despite whatever path huntsmen chose, they must never succumb to The Darkness…

Lastly, the confusingly named Team RWBY, made up of Wiess “I’m too good for poor people toilet paper” Schnee, Blake “Neko furry/former terrorist agent” Belladonna, Yang “got drunk and made out with courtyard sculpture” Xiao Long, and their leader Ruby Rose who is like super adorable, like oh my god she just aAhAGaha. I mean umm. uh. Nothing… They won their match too… Shut up.

Notes on last week’s issue: Yes. I know the robot was an Atlesian Knight not an Elysium Paladin. You’re probably thinking that as a citizen of remnant, I should know the name of the world’s largest military power but I think that I don’t get paid enough. Oh wait, I don’t get paid. I have also been informed that our drunken assailant’s name is Qrow Branflakes not Crow Branflakes. ‘Cause you know, thats how you fuckin’ spell that.

Also, if you're wondering how his date with our field reporter went, Qrow showed up and remarked, “Huh, I honestly thought you were a woman. Eh, whatever.” The rest of the night about how you'd expect. Koal said it was, “magical but [he] didn’t understand some parts of it.” Somebody should really have the talk with him…