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ELEMENTS OF PASTORAL CARE IN THE SEASON OF DISCERNMENT AND DECISIONFOR THE UNITED METHODIST CHURCH

OFFICE OF PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELING

Dr. Mary Lautzenhiser Bellon, Ph.D.

Our fellowship in The United Methodist Church is in a season of discernment and decision. From our elected representatives at the General Conference level, to our Episcopal leaders, to our clergy and ministers of our agencies, to our colleges and missional stations to the membership in our pews, everyone is a part of and affected by the process we are engaged in. The 2019 General Conference comes amidst a time of great debate that has garnered much passion from every part of our fellowship. Theological treaties have been written, arguments have taken over Facebook pages, the Bishops have led listening sessions and given explanatory power points, and the people in our pews have voiced their opinions or remained silent, disengaging. It is in this environment that we must take responsibility for good pastoral care.

The great pastoral counselor Carroll Wise once defined pastoral care as, “Communicating the inner meaning of the Gospel to persons at their point of need.” When emotions are raw they are also available to us. When disagreements surface, the mind is engaged with both thoughts and other people. When transition is imminent, the self looks both to its past and its hoped-for future, seeking resources for the journey. How do we communicate the inner meaning of the Gospel in such a time as this?

Communicating the Inner Meaning of the Gospel

The Gospel: That God has made you and loves you, and this is shown to us in the redeeming work of Jesus Christ and the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit. That Jesus Christ has overcome the forces of evil and hell to usher us before the throne of grace. That following the way of Christ, committing to his directions to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the prisoner, care for the lost and lonely, and heal the sick give us a path of knowing, in deep and abiding ways, God’s generous love and grace for ourselves, others and the world. That love is the fundamental organizing principle of the universe and we are saved by this love through Jesus Christ.

Active Listening: Whether person to person or within groups, allowing people to share and sort out their thoughts, feelings and beliefs offers a sense of valuing. So often people believe that their opinion is not welcome, heard or acknowledged. Good pastoral care always widens the window to hear another person. Cautionary note: in active listening we are seeking to listen to what is longing to be heard. Sometimes people say many things that surround or distract from their place of deep vulnerability that is trying to be heard. Remember in active listening you may be tempted to chase rabbits (for




instance get in an argument with the speaker or follow up on thoughts that are really designed to deflect you from the central issue). The real question may be “what is it that you fear?” “what is it that causes the pain?” “what is it that makes the world feel safe or unsafe to you?”

Appropriate Response: People know when another person is truly listening or just waiting to say what is on their own mind. Clear your thoughts and allow space for the other. You do not have to agree with another person to hear what they are saying. In pastoral care, the idea is to attend to the full person. Pay attention to the degree of anxiety in their tone and words. Watch their body language. Offer words to de-escalate aggression. Be responsive. Sometimes a good responsive question is, “if you could wave a magic wand and have it just as you want it, what would that look like?” It will give you an idea where the other person is coming from and lead to deepening questions, sometimes even ones that can challenge an entrenched mindset. For instance, “well if that were to happen what do we do about….”

Sometimes an appropriate response is one that calls another person to greater love, either for themselves or for others. In the world of pastoral care, we are governed by the Gospel as our moral and ethical guidepost. So, an appropriate response may be, “and in your mind, how is that loving as Jesus invites us to love?” It is important in a pastoral care situation that such a response is not done to lord over another or to suggest one’s own self-righteousness, but as a true inquiry to invite the other person to ponder more deeply the way of Christ.

Measuring trauma: When debates and decisions are afoot as is our case in The United Methodist Church, some people will experience the tension as a trigger for past trauma. The swirling of emotion captures a person and reminds them of past injury or knocks them off balance from a feeling that the world is safe and predictable. It feels like the ground beneath their feet is shaking and they may fall into an abyss. For some people they may even have panic attacks or feel the need to remove themselves from the tension to stay well. In working with trauma, it is important to notice that there will be a range of tolerable feelings and thoughts. Not everyone can or is able to hold the same amount of stress, anxiety, anger or uncertainty.

Good practices with trauma: attempt to lower the emotional temperature of the room. Invite the person or persons to breathe with a mantra or prayer word. Offer prayer. In a group situation offer the sacrament of communion or the anointing with oil. Invite people to name loved ones who have been with them in times of struggle. Let them tell the story of how those supportive people walked with them. Encourage people to keep a journal or make art that expresses their feelings. Engage others to do concrete tasks,




such as work on a Habitat House or repair something broken at your church or in their homes, or volunteer for the food pantry. For some, dealing with traumatic feelings is helped by widening the window of tolerance through breath work, prayer or concrete actions.

Watch for disengagement or isolating behaviors: Sometimes the response to increased anxiety and uncertainty is disengagement or isolating behaviors. Because our Gospel is one that speaks of deepening community as a vehicle of knowing love, it is important that we offer pastoral care that holds people in the fellowship of care and concern. Yes, because of our present debate, some people will feel called to exit our denomination. But in the life of our congregations we are composed of persons who agree or disagree on many things yet find in their shared life a courage and way of serving God, each other and the world around them. That type of community is of inestimable worth. Attempt to use the wisdom and relationships existing in the fellowship to notice people who are isolating or who seem to be withdrawn or overly anxious. We are always stronger and more equipped as a body than as individual parts.

DEVELOPING AND LIVING WITH MUTUAL RESPECT

It has sometimes been said that respect is earned. In our ordinary and daily lives, this seems to be the case, at least in how we operate. However, as Christians we live with a radical and contrary truth: because God in Christ has welcomed us and has offered us both prevenient and sanctifying grace, we position ourselves in the world respecting ourselves, others whom we meet and minister to, and the world around us. We offer respect to redeem what has been in disrepute, just as God has clothe us in respectability according to God’s way of valuing our lives. This is the stuff of the narrow path! Our minds are filled with our beliefs and opinions, our experiences that have taught us sorrow and joy, and our tendency to inflate our egos. We all suffer this bundle of energies that lead us toward self-respect or low self-esteem, respect of our neighbor or a low-lying contempt. If we are honest, we all have people or entities we do not respect, and sometimes it is ourselves. How do we proceed?

Praxis: The fifth book of the New Testament describes the “acts” of the apostles. Rev. David Weesner once gave a wonderful sermon on how the book of Acts follows the Gospel texts which introduce us to the New Testament. It describes the actions or “praxis” taken by the new community. This can help us in understanding how to cultivate and live in mutual respect. The answers lie more in our praxis and less in our emotional world. The simple question, ‘how do I treat myself and my neighbor’ governs the place of respect. Our behavior and actions allow us to be lifted from the sometimes




tyranny of feelings, judgments and derision. The way of praxis is: I choose. I choose to extend courtesy or disrespect. I choose to respond with patience and evenness. I choose to be toward this person in the way that Christ would have me be, beyond my own feelings. And the funny thing is, the more a person practices such responses the greater empowerment of self. To choose is to have volition. To choose is to own one’s own life, to set the terms of one’s own dignity. To choose to offer others respect is to choose to offer the other dignity as well. One can also choose to resist being labeled by another person. One can choose to have self-respect even if not shown respect. This is the power that the Holy Spirit offers first in the Book of Acts and is ongoing in our lives today.

Spiritual Disciplines: As a way of praxis, the Spiritual Disciplines invite us to a life of prayer, fasting, scripture study, giving and mercy. It is important that we take seriously the spiritual disciplines that speak to us in order to give ourselves the courage and energy to be self-respecting while also showing respect. Inviting your congregation to pursue a study on Spiritual Disciplines is another way of guiding people toward a place in themselves where self-respect and respect of other can flourish.

Having Difficult Conversations: Many people avoid having difficult conversations. Perhaps the very idea causes anxiety, a tightening in the chest or a sense of panic or anger. It is good to remember that this response to having difficult conversations is very common. It is so common we might say it’s pretty normal. However, have them we must. Certainly in The United Methodist Church today, we are in such a time. Can we ask: where is the gift in having difficult conversations?

One great gift in having difficult conversations is that they hold the seed of mutual respect. To have a difficult conversation you must be willing to sit in relationship with another person or persons with whom you have a dispute, disagreement or conflict. Perhaps you despise what they represent. Perhaps you are furious that they have hurt you or another person. Perhaps you find them arrogant or rude. And yet. And yet you position your body and mind in their presence to speak your truth and to hear theirs. That very action creates respect. It is a first step. It is not the last step and there are never any guarantees that mutual respect will finally win the day, but without the conversation there is no hope whatsoever. The United Methodist Church, by holding the Specially Called General Conference of 2019, is actually modeling mutual respect by having the conversation and seeking to make decisions based upon all the smaller conversations that have led to the gathering. For clergy in the life of their congregations, also offering time to have conversations, to explore the topic of human sexuality as well as other hard matters such as immigration, race relations and global warming, is a




chance to build relationships of mutual respect over things that really matter to our lives, the life of the world and the life of God. And depending upon what decisions are reached at the General Conference, having the difficult conversations is soon to be a necessity.

Allow people to participate: One of the temptations of power is to hoard it. We in the life of Christ are invited to share, expand and enlarge power. We are assistants in releasing other people and ourselves from hang ups and pettiness in order to receive the exquisite healing power of the Holy Spirit. This is the power which breathed life into the world and continues to breathe life into us today. In building communities of mutual respect we must invite as many in to the conversation as possible, listening, challenging, sorting and praying with one another to see the path ahead. The membership of The United Methodist Church is a hive of thoughts and human resource able to transform the world. Mutual respect that our lives are called is important, the attitude of seeing each other as sent to be in the mission. It is essential for our work together and our love together. Share information, thoughts, ideas, and possibilities. Explore options. Look to educate ourselves on things we know little about or things we might know a lot about but realize there is more, more, more.

Be open: To create mutual respect there must exist an openness to hear and receive another person or persons. People shut down because it makes them feel safe. They burrow. In creating mutual respect, we must have the courage to see the other person as interesting or informative or having something to share. Again, you do not have to agree with someone to have respect. Perhaps you even see that other person as lost or just wrong. But because they belong to God, you are called to see them. And in that, there is respect. I like to remember that the lost appear in many guises, sometimes in ourselves, and for these lost, saving love is searching.




GRIEF, ANGER, BROKEN RELATINSHIPSHIPS, TRANSITIONS

DEALING WITH GRIEF

Here is an excellent article on grief and recovery by Jodee Virgo (theeverygirl.com June 14, 20117). The themes and recommendations cover a wide variety of grief.

By Jodee Virgo (from: the everygirl.com June 14, 2017

I think it’s safe to say that most of us have experienced some form of grief over the course of our lives. You may have mourned the loss of loved ones or pets, and fully know the pain that comes along with it. Your grief and the feelings surrounding it make sense because someone has died. But what about when you are grieving someone who is still alive? Specifically, grieving the loss of a relationship that was never able to reach its full potential. This form of grief, also known as ambiguous grief, is quite common and rarely talked about.

So, what do we do? How do we handle this kind of grief? Is it okay to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive? How do we navigate these complex feelings?

1. Realize grief is not a linear process

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “The five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.”

There is a false belief that permeates our culture that when dealing with grief and loss, every day is better than the last, that every month is easier than its predecessor, that once you’re through the worst of it, the worst of it is gone. I have found this to be untrue. Grief is not linear. It could be any other shape – a circle, a spiral, a wave, a triangle even, but it is definitely not a straight line.

Grief, whether ambiguous or not, can hit us in unexpected ways — while planning your wedding and coming to terms with the fact that it’s best not to invite your mom, graduating from school and realizing you won’t have any family there to support or celebrate you, or hearing a song on the radio that reminds you of the relationship you once had. There are so many ways we are subconsciously reminded of our loss. Allow yourself to be where you are without fixating on what you think you “should” be feeling.




2. Allow feelings to come and go

Grief is a natural part of how we process any painful and saddening events. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try to avoid emotional pain, it’s just not possible. If you’re experiencing difficult emotions, like shame, anger, sadness, or fear, remind yourself that it’s okay and normal to have such feelings. Not feeling okay is perfectly okay, even if society tells you otherwise. The more we attempt to hide or suppress our feelings, the stronger and more stuck they become. Feeling grief isn’t easy, but it is the only way through. Try to support yourself by journaling, crying, screaming into a pillow, punching a mattress, sitting with your feelings in silence, or reaching out to a trusted friend for support.

3. Find your tribe

In my experience with grief and loss, I have come across three types of people: those who’ve grieved and get it, those who haven’t grieved and know they don’t get it, and those who haven’t grieved and don’t know they don’t get it. I remember once talking to a friend about the grief surrounding my brother’s mental illness. Her response was something like, “Well, have you tried telling him how you feel? If he can’t meet your needs just cut him off and forget about it. It’s not worth your time and energy.” While some of what she said is valid, I felt dismissed and that there was no space to share my feelings. I learned that when I’m grief-stricken, its best to surround myself with people who can let me be in my feelings without trying to fix them or change them. Connecting with other people who “get it” is an invaluable resource. This can come in the form of a support group, a therapist, or friends who have experienced a similar loss.

4. Consider serving others

One common and natural response to grief is the inclination to isolate yourself from others. Sometimes it can help to shift your focus from your own sorrow to how you can make a difference in other people’s lives. This isn’t always possible, and that’s okay too. But if it is, consider volunteering to walk dogs at your local animal rescue, donating items to a homeless shelter, delivering a meal, offering to babysit for free, or paying it forward the next time you’re buying coffee and offering to pay for the person behind you, no strings attached. Helping others evokes gratitude and supports health and happiness.




5. Search for meaning

Painful experiences often end up being a fundamental part of our personal growth. This goes hand in hand with the overly used but true adage, “Everything happens for a reason.” Yes, even the hard stuff. Especially the hard stuff. The key is that we have to be open to the pain and difficulty, to be truly open to what it is we are supposed to gain from an experience.

Ask yourself, “What have I learned? How can it strengthen me? How can I take this experience and use it to support myself in the future? How can I use my experience to help others?” It could mean becoming a mentor, pursuing a profession that allows you to utilize your unique experience with grief, starting a blog/creating a platform to help others… the list goes on.

6. Practice acceptance

Here’s the thing about acceptance — It doesn’t mean that you are “fine” or “over” the loss you’ve endured. Instead, it means that your mind, body, and emotions are finally able to accept the events that have occurred, and you see it as something you can integrate into your everyday life, thoughts, and feelings.

The word “accept” is a verb. It’s an active process, one that must be practiced. It’s natural to vacillate back and forth between feelings of acceptance and feelings of resistance. Every time you practice acceptance toward something, you create and strengthen neural pathways in your brain, facilitating ease in the future.

7. Let go of the idea of closure

The idea of closure in our culture is one of tidy endings, a sense of completion. The reason we long for closure, of course, is because we would like to be rid of our pain. We want to shut out the sad, confused, desperate, angry feelings from our lives, putting all of it behind us so that we can feel joy again.

Closure may work well in the world of practical matters – with business deals and real estate transactions. But closure does not apply to the human heart, not in a pure sense. Closure simply does not exist. We have to live with all kinds of loss. Perhaps it is better to drop the idea of closure and think instead in terms of healing and growth.




DEALING WITH ANGER

Along with grief in the situation we find ourselves in, arises the problem of anger and broken relationships.

Anger: Anger often emerges as a defensive mechanism when we are afraid – afraid of loss, afraid we will be hurt, afraid that the world doesn’t make sense. Anger also emerges as a voice that calls us into accountability when we experience an injustice to ourselves or others or even to the natural world. Anger is a natural emotion belonging to human beings. The question surrounding anger is: how does it work for health and well-being? Because anger is a powerful emotion, it’s force can be destructive when not governed by love or when allowed to escalate. Anger often seeks to grow. You may notice this when you have observed how you or another person may begin a conversation expressing anger and the more you talk the angrier you get. Pretty soon those around you are angry too. Like anxiety, there is a contagion in anger. In our life in the ministry, we seek to place runners on the gutters of the bowling lane, to contain anger, letting it be expressed but also held and protected from becoming destructive.

Some best practices in working with anger on a personal level include: finding a private space in which to blow off steam – this could be in an exercise room, in a counseling office, or even alone in your kitchen throwing ice cubes into the sink – writing all your thoughts and feelings in a journal, creating art or making something, calling or writing elected officials about grievances you see in the world and having a necessary conversation with those with whom you feel angry. On a group level, it is important to set the parameters before you start unpacking anger. It is advisable to establish a set of ground rules on a white board or large post its sheet, allowing the participants to brainstorm the rules of engagement. If you are facilitating a process that deals with angry feelings, you should make sure you are in a good space in your head to do this. Entering prayer or sacred space before the gathering is helpful. Bringing to mind persons or places or objects that bring you joy and peace is good. Having a defined process, like the Peace Circle, is excellent, where a series of questions is asked gradually deepening until the most difficult matter is presented. Each participant takes a turn answering the questions from her or his point of view without discussion or argument. This process allows many voices and can hold both anger and fear, confusion and sadness, hope and joy. In another constructive use of anger in groups, civic demonstrations, protests, or advocacy can direct the emotion toward a greater good.

Unresolved anger: Sometimes anger is left unresolved. Perhaps the wound is very deep or the loss if very great. For persons in the ministry who have unresolved anger, the way forward is the continued embrace of Spiritual Disciplines, the personal work done with a counselor or spiritual advisor, and the reminder to keep asking the question: how is this




working toward my health and wholeness? As happens with repetitious thoughts, repetitious anger usually is trying to get a person’s attention to something underneath the anger, and when that is discovered, the healing of the deeper self can begin.

When working with others or with groups, you may find that the person or persons in your care do not, at the moment, have the emotional or intellectual resources to consider their anger as speaking to other issues of loss, grief and sometimes, a sense of belonging. Perhaps they present as very righteous or are blaming toward others. The best response is to resist being baited by the anger. Listen. Try to remain calm. If necessary, end the meeting and arrange to meet again later. If a person becomes abusive you may be able to name that or at least attempt to interrupt the thrust of anger if it is a verbal assault. Should people become physical, the safety of all present must be the first and most important consideration. Unresolved anger usually does not begin with a present circumstance but has been the byproduct of a wound for a long time. Knowing this can help you stay compassionate toward the person with unresolved anger (including if it is yourself). It may be an ongoing experience for a person and not tied to resolution of the matter at hand.

DEALING WITH BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS

Every time a relationship is fractured, or we lose or end a relationship, we are reminded of our own mortality. Relationships are a part of the web of our lives. They remind us of who we are. They exist as one part of self-definition and identity: mother, father, daughter, son, brother, sister, spouse, partner, friend, colleague, acquaintance, member of X United Methodist Church, Christian. Our relationships are a part of the fabric that describes our lives and indicates to ourselves and others that we are alive in the world, walking on the planet, involved with the created order and with God.

When a relationship is fractured, something inside of us feels the break just as though we have broken a bone or torn a ligament. This tearing reminds us we are soft skinned creatures who feel and whose being is actually fragile. Because it hurts, because there is pain we may seek to block that feeling, to blame the other person for making us hurt, or find ourselves in grief.

The question of the broken relationship is do I want to repair this? If I do want to repair this what will that look like on this side of the injury? The Christian faith always calls us to face reality, and reality in the wake of a broken relationship is that if it is mended it will be different than it was before. Oftentimes that means the relationship will be deeper and truer. We become aware of each other’s vulnerabilities and limitations. We accept that we are all pilgrims on the journey and that each one of us stands in need of prayer and grace. But sometimes it means that the relationship will not continue. In that case, we must do the work of letting the other person go. We must do the work that understands that this relationship was a part of our journey, and we were a part of theirs, but that the road has diverged. By doing the work we




free ourselves from feelings of bitterness, although, because we are limited, we may always carry some regret that shows up in bitterness or blaming. We commit to seeking to be made free from these emotions.

MAINTAINING AND REESTABLISHING TRUST

Here is an article by Dr. Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. (Psychology Today, June 29, 2015). She describes maintaining and establishing trust in personal relationships, but the article works well for our life together in the covenantal community too.

Five Ways to Build Trust in your Relationship by Dr. Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Most of us agree that trust is an essential foundation on which to build a relationship. Despite the great things we say about being honest—that it’s "the best policy" or that "the truth shall set us free"—research tells us that we aren’t so great at it.

According to studies by Dr. Bella DePaulo, people lie in one in five of their interactions. These lies aren’t only to strangers or peripheral figures—couples regularly deceive each other. DePaulo’s research showed that dating couples lie to each other about a third of the time, while married couples do so in about 1 in 10 interactions. While people seem to tell fewer of the “little” or “everyday” lies to loved ones, 64% of our serious lies (“deep betrayals of trust”) do involve people’s closest relationship partners. Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman examined focus groups of couples from all over the country and discovered that trust and betrayal were the most important issues to arise between partners.

How can we create more trust when we continue to lie to the people closest to us in countless ways? Honesty is a key component of a healthy relationship, not only because it helps us avoid harmful breaches of trust, but because it allows us to live in reality instead of fantasy and to share this reality with another. Of course, every human being has his or her own unique perception of the world, but by sharing these perceptions with each other, we get to know each other for who we really are.




What can we do to not only be more honest but to promote an atmosphere of honesty around us? How can we generate a steady flow of truth-telling between ourselves and the people we love most?

1.To be honest with someone else, we must know ourselves.

We have to understand what we really think and feel about the world around us. Very often in life, we are either influenced by or conforming to a series of “shoulds” imposed on us by society, particularly the culture within our family of origin. We may get married because everyone our age is “settling down.” Or we may refuse to get close to someone because our parents never got along.

It’s important to differentiate ourselves from harmful influences on our personality that don’t reflect who we really are and what we really want. If a voice in our head is telling us not to take a chance or be vulnerable, it’s important to question where those thoughts come from, then align our actions to that which we really desire.

When we are true to ourselves in this way, we are better able to be honest with the people around us. We are less likely to just tell people what they want to hear or try to cover up things about ourselves of which we feel ashamed. Instead, we can be honest about who we are and what we want in a relationship.

2. Make your actions match your words.

Often, relationships lose their spark when couples replace substance with form. Things like saying “I love you” or doing certain things together become a matter of routine instead of lively choices that emerge from how we really feel. When we form what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, termed a “fantasy bond"—an illusion of connection that replaces real, loving ways of relating—we often begin to feel distant from our partner or lose interest. We may start making excuses for pulling away or we may still talk of being in love while not engaging in behaviors that are loving toward our partner.

To avoid this dishonest way of relating, it’s important to always act with integrity and to make our actions match our words. If we say we are in love, we should engage in behaviors toward our partner that someone else would observe as loving. We should spend real, quality time with our partner, in which we slow down and make contact. We should show our feelings, not just in words but through our body language. Saying “I love you,” while grimacing or sighing at every move our partner makes, is not an expression of love that matches what we supposedly feel.




3. Be sincere about your reactions.

Not everything we feel in a relationship will be warm and fuzzy. Yet being honest and direct with someone we love doesn’t mean we have to be hurtful or cruel. Sharing life with someone, we are bound to notice some of their negative tendencies and defenses that get in the way of our feelings of closeness and attraction. When we aren’t open with our partner about what we feel and observe, we may grow cynical or start building a case against them that actually distorts and exaggerates their flaws.

Instead of being overly critical or attacking angrily, we should aim to be vulnerable with our partner in exposing what we think and feel. We can say things like, “I miss you when you work all the time," or, "I feel less attracted to you when you act tough or try to control what we do together.” These honest, direct statements may feel uncomfortable at times, but they come from a place of vulnerability and openness that can actually lead to more closeness and intimacy.

4. Be open to feedback.

Just as we should be direct with our partner, we should be open to hearing honesty directed toward us. We should always be willing to listen to our partners and to see things from their point of view. What are they trying to tell us about how they are experiencing us and feeling toward us? Rather than argue every small detail, we should look for the kernel of truth in what our partner tells us. It’s important not to be defensive, reactive, or punishing for feedback. If we get victimized or fall apart when we hear criticism, then we emotionally manipulate our partner, and encourage them to sugarcoat or even deceive us in the future. Having a partner who feels comfortable to open up to us is the best-case scenario for having an honest relationship, in which we can both mature and develop ourselves.

5. Accept your partner as a separate person.

No matter how connected we may feel to someone else, we will always be two separate people with two sovereign minds. If our partner doesn’t see things the same way we do, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying. It just means that we are two people who observe the world from different perspectives. The more we accept this reality, the more comfortable we can feel in accepting that we won’t agree on everything. By being honest with each other, we can know and accept each other for who we actually are, not who we want each other to be. In this scenario, neither one of us has to pretend to be someone else or try to fit an image or expectation. We can support each other for the things that make us who we are as individuals, that light us up and give our lives meaning.




This steady flow of give and take, this willingness to be truthful, even when it’s uncomfortable, helps establish trust in each other and the relationship. An open exchange, no matter how hard it may feel, really does set us free; we can accept that we are two individuals who choose to be together despite our differences. Most important, when we make this choice, we can rest assured that it’s because we really love each other and not just because we are drawn to the fantasy of being together.

Living truthfully, things may not always have a fairy tale ending, but as human beings, we are resilient. We can handle our partner feeling attracted to someone else, and we can handle telling him or her when we feel insecure, afraid, or even furious. We can handle pretty much anything, as long as we are willing to live in reality and face the truths that exist. Honesty in relationships makes us feel secure, because we know where we stand. When we are honest with ourselves and our partner, we can experience the joy and excitement of living in a real relationship, in which we are being chosen for who we are.

TRANSITIONS

Transitions include all the life that is lived between two more stationary times of life or between one thing and another thing. Our lives are defined by transitions. Developmental psychology maps the transitional growth of human beings from birth into old age, marking the physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual challenges that occur along the path. We often define ourselves as people who feel comfortable with transitional space or people who do not. Yet, in an existential sense, all of us move through transitional space. It is a part of being a human being. Therefore, all of us have more or less resources within us to live in spaces that are fluid and moving from one circumstance to another. It is baked into human resiliency and growth.

When we are frightened or concerned about impending changes we are often already in transition. We are recognizing that what was will be different from what will be. The experience of grief, and its many manifestations, or the experience of anger may occur. Importantly, we may also feel excited, hopeful and energized. Transitional space allows us to think creatively about what we might do next. Certain personalities greet transitional space with more openness than do others. However, all of us are familiar with it. We simply need to do a time line of our lived life detailing the times of transition, what happened, how we felt and what came next. In such an exercise we become aware that most of us are experts in living in transitional space. We just didn’t realize it.




Exercises for Working with Transition:

Create a personal time line and a group timeline, highlighting the what happened, what events occurred, what feelings you remember and what came next. Name the resources that emerged - whether human resources and ingenuity or external resources.

Watch a historical documentary on the development of things we take for granted. For instance, there are documentaries on the development of the car or phone, the development of the internet, the development of the Space Age. Explore together how people went from one situation to the next. How did it feel to give up a land line and just use a cell phone? How did it feel to go from letter writing to email? How will it feel to go from driving a car to riding in a driverless car? Ask questions of how our spiritual lives change and are innovative. How has it felt to go from prayers of petition to contemplative prayer? How has it felt to go from organ music to piano and guitar. Etc. Etc.

Gather people together and ask them to bring either photos of all the houses they have lived in or drawings or short written descriptions. Go around and share in small or large groups the different places people have lived, what was going on then, what they remembered best about that particular house and how it felt to move to the next. Post the photos and descriptions on a big board or wall. Ask: if you could move or stay anywhere where would that be and why. What is it that means the most to you?

Create words that describe feelings and adjectives (e.g. happy, warm, loving, cold). Have people pick out words from a pile and talk together about when they felt something like that and what was going on. Ask them to create a word bank describing feelings and adjectives during times of transition.




Resources:

Basic Types of Pastoral Care and Counseling: Resources for the Ministry of Growth and Healing. Howard Clinebell, ed: Bridget Clare McKeever, Abingdon Press, Third Edition. ISBN-13: 978-0687663804 ISBN-10: 9780687663804

Listening & Caring Skills. John Savage. Abingdon Press. ISBN: 9780687017164 E-Book: 9781426723179

“Pastoral Care for Grieving Families” Paul C. Walker, Christianity Today, May 19, 2004

Professional Spiritual and Pastoral Care: Handbook for Clergy and Chaplains, Rabbi Stephen B. Roberts, Rev. Nancy R. Anderson, Rev. Williard W.C. Ashley, Dr. Nancy Berlinger, Ph.D., & 32 more. Cokesbury. ISBN-13: 978-1683362449 ISBN-10: 168-3362446

Faith Development and Pastoral Care James Fowler, ed: Don Browning. Fortress Press, 1987

“A Guide to Pastoral Transition” Eric Seiberling, United Methodist Communications www.umcom.org/learn/a-guide-to-pastoral-transitions-part-2-day-31-and-beyong

http://www.umcom.org/learn/a-guide-to-pastoral-transitions-part-2-day-31-and-beyong

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