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Irken Idiot

By Abigail P.Couldn’t help naming the main character after me

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Copyright May 2010

Invader Zim disclaimer:

Characters Zim, Dib, and Gaz are property of Jhohnen Vasquez, or however you spell it.

To Invader Zim,

For making us laugh-AP

Random Mouse Publishings

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IntroInvader Zim was first broadcast to the world on March 30, 2001. I was first exposed to the show when they had a marathon long after it went off the air in March of 2010. I guess it was an annual thing, celebrating its nine year anniversary. I fell in love with the show. Dib especially caught my eye. I have had a huge crush on him ever since I first saw him. He was so charming. I don’t understand why people say he has a big head. Who came up with that running gag? The one who says that to Dib the most is Zim, which is strange, because his head is equally as large.

In tribute to the show, I wrote this book. Believe it or not, I actually came up with the idea at a birthday party, where Abby first starts her adventure.I hope you enjoy “Irken Idiot!”Sincerely,Abby P.

Chapter 1“Abby, wake up. Time for cake.”

“Mmm.”

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Abby tumbled out of bed with a thud.

“Out in the back. Come on, Ab! There’s frosting and everything!” Colin kicked at Abby’s foot. She let out a groan.

“I hate frosting. It ruins the cake part.”

“Oh, come on. It’s not often someone invites you to their party.”

It was true.

The only parties she ever goes to is hers and Colin’s.

Abby looked at the clock. 3:00. One more hour of lying around. One of the few parties she gets invited to, and she lies around all day.

See, everyone thought Abby was weird. She came up with strange theories for strange happenings. Cracking of stick? Abby says it’s a werewolf. Flashing light in distance? UFO. Book you were looking for falls out of shelf? Poltergeist doing your bidding.

Abby once sat in a circle of girls who were sharing secrets. Someone asked Abby what her secret was, and Abby said:

“People think I’m weird.”

“That’s no secret, Abby.”

In fact, that occasion was at this very birthday party.

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Anyway, back to now.

“I don’t want to get off this couch.”

Colin looked down.

“You are no longer on the couch.”

“Ugh.”

Abby stood up.

“Fine, I’ll have cake.”

“That’s the spirit!”

“As long as I leave the table early to lie on the trampoline.”

Colin frowned.

“All you ever do is lie down. All you ever want to do is sleep. And when nighttime comes around, you feel as fit as ever and play on the computer all night long.”

“Not all night, just from 5-8 pm and 5-8 am. That’s it.”

Colin left.

“Sigh.”

Abby lay back down.

* * * *

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“See, Gaz? He said she was tired during the day and awake at night. A pure sign of a vampire.”

Dib sat at his computer, showing Gaz the footage from the camera he attached to Abby.

“She’s a night person, so what?”

“We have other footage of her admitting she’s a vampire.”

“She didn’t admit it, she said she thinks she’s one.”

“So? Only vampires think they’re vampires.”

Gaz stared.

Finally,

“You’re head’s to big.” Gaz left Dib, alone.

“Hmm.” He stared at footage of her admitting she was lonely.

“She looks pretty cool.”

Gaz overheard him.

“Cool? She’s a misfit. No social life. All she’s got is a small harem of weirdoes. Remember that one kid who drew a picture of Elvis for his self portrait?”

Dib shuddered.

“Why do the cameras pick up footage of him?”

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“I dunno.” Gaz left him, yet again, staring at the computer screen.

Dib squinted into the blurry footage of her squished up against the sofa. Her brown hair glistened in the sunlight.

It was then, there, when Dib decided to make his move.

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Chapter 2Abby snoozed in bed. Four hours had passed since she left the party. Her brother’s soft snoring drifted from under her bed. Dib watched silently, grasping hook hanging on the ceiling fan. She’s beautiful, he thought, staring at her. She deserves to be mine. He took out a containment ray from his pack. And Now, he thought, shooting the ray at Abby, trapping her in a powerful force field, She is.

* * * *

Abby awoke the next morning in a whole new world. Beyond her bed lay all sorts of gadgets and a computer. But, as if sensing her vision, the gadgets were soon hidden by a wall, which moved forward to cover them up. Where was she? How had she gotten there? Had it been her family had traveled last night and Abby couldn’t remember? Probably. But then again, wouldn’t she have remembered what the hotel room, or wherever she was, looked like?

Abby decided to investigate. But-

“Ow!”

Her face hit plastic. Now, who would put a plastic covering over her bedroom? She searched, blinded by the collision, for the door through it. She could feel none, and slowly her vision came back. Abby screamed.

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“Get me out of here!”

Her cries awoke Gaz, sleeping across the hall. She left her bed, searching for the sound that awoke her. Catching Abby’s eye, she trotted forward.

“What are you doing here?”

Abby stared.

“I repeat: What are you doing here?!”

Abby stammered. “Well, uh, see, um, I-I don’t know.”

Gaz’s eyes narrowed.

“You. Woke. Me. Up.”

Abby gulped.

Just then, Dib came in.

“Gaz, stop tormenting her.”

She flashed him a look of fierceness.

“I do what I want, when I want.”

She left.

All was quiet.

A single rat scurried across Abby’s cell room, then hid in a hole in the wall.

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“Well,” Dib said, “I guess it’s time for breakfast.”

He paused.

“Do you like Yorkshire pudding?” He said it sinisterly, as if asking someone if they were a convict.

Abby shook her head.

“Never tried it. Besides, if it’s not made of my own blood, I’m not eating it.”

Dib’s eyes widened.

“You’d eat your own blood?”

Abby shrugged.

“As long as it was a small serving and I was giving lots of water to drink.”

Silence.

“I remember back to when I’d loose a tooth,” Abby went on, “And the blood would poor through the emptie spot. It tasted so good.”

“Do you like garlic?”

Abby was suspicious. One does not belt out questions like those two next to each other with not also questioning their alive-ness.

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“I’m not a vampire.”

Dib stared at her. He noticed her eyes were golden. Since he had studied a few vampire novels, he knew that she was a good vampire.

Then he looked down at her canines. They couldn’t possibly cut through the skin, though they still would give you pain in your neck.

“I think you are.”

Abby wasn’t surprised.

“I think one of your parents was one. You inherited part of their genes and part of the human ones.”

Now, let me remind you, we are talking about the paranoid Dib. I am not a vampire. And this is not a vampire book. It’s about aliens. But we haven’t gotten to that part. So let’s forget this conversation ever took place and move on to the next scene.

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Chapter 3“Stupid Dib, stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Zim was cleaning up the meat Dib purposefully dumped everywhere.

“Thinks he can mess up my base, does he? Well, I’ll show him, and all of earth, too.” Zim’s feet sizzled as he walked through the gunk, though Zim was covered from head to toe in Irken protecting gear.

“Zim,” Zim’s computer’s metallic voice rang through the base. “Dib is found with a human girl in his room.”

“A girl?”

“Yes, a girl.”

“It’s not his sister?”

“Nope.”

Zim dropped the cleaning sponge. “A girl in Dib’s room? Now, why would she be there?”

“Data shows Dib is holding her captive.”

“Well that explains everything.”

“And,” the computer continued, “At night, he leaves her alone.”

“Wait, how long is night?”

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“Sigh,” the computer hated when Zim asked him for Earth info. “Approximately eight hours.”

“In that time, I could have a blood sample from her! Computer, thanks for notifying me! You’re the best!” Zim hugged the nearest circuit and was delivered a nasty shock.

“Zim, you programmed me to tell you when a human girl, who has been near Dib and explained his theories and believes him, is left unattended.”

“Eh,” Zim continued cleaning. “Tonight,” he said, scrubbing the floor, “We collect some DNA.”

* * * *

Now it was Zim’s turn to hang over Abby’s bed, only this time, he was using Irken spider-leg -thingies. He carried a needle in his hand. His leg-thingies lowered him until him and Abby were almost nose-to-nose. He stuck the needle in her arm. The needle sucked her blood. Zim took out the needle and squeezed the blood into a test tube.

Abby awoke that morning with a scar on her slightly green arm:

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Chapter 4“Oh-my-god-Oh-my-god-Oh-my-god!”

Dib ran into Abby’s cell room. Her irises were growing. Her pupils were gone. Her skin was green. Her hair was falling out. And two little antennae were growing where her hair had been. “You’re an alien! I knew I couldn’t have trusted you!”

“What’s happening?! I’m becoming Irken!”

“Don’t play dumb! Apparently on Saturdays all aliens turn back into their alien form!”

“But I’m not an alien!”

Chaos reigned. There was gasping and screaming and yelling and arguments and finally Dib threatened to hit her with meat if she didn’t back off.

“You smelly little irken invader! You were too beautiful to be beautiful! Too smart! Too funny! It was too good to be true!”

“Honestly! I have no idea what’s going on!”

All the while this was happening, Zim was watching at his monitor.

“Heh heh heh. Puny humans don’t know what hit them.”

Zim looked closer.

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“The girl seems to be breaking a circuit. Can’t take it all.”

It was true. Abby was on a rampage. She had to restrain from hitting Dib. She knew if she did, her reputation with him would be over.

Zim couldn’t help himself. He turned on the camera’s microphone.

“Hello? Is this thing on?”

Dib and Abby looked around, trying to find the source of the sound.

“Dib, Abby, how are you? I love watching you two argue.”

Abby was enraged.

“Tell him! Tell him I have no idea what’s going on!”

Abby was crying.

“Tell him I’m perfectly human! Or was! Tell him it’s your fault! Tell him!”

Zim laughed.

“The girl’s right, you know. I did it. I know I really want to lie and say Dib is right, but if I did this story would take another route. Now, you want to know what’s up?”

Abby nodded eagerly.

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“I took a blood sample. Soon I will be mixing it with mine to make a human-Irken hybrid.”

Abby protested.

“But that’s not how it works! What you do is-“

“I don’t care how you humans handle it! I’m making a human-Irken hybrid my way!”

Dib was confused.

“Why is Abby becoming an alien, then?”

Zim paused dramatically, pretending to think. Finally he said:

“When Irkens create hybrids, they feel it’s wrong to just leave their mate with the hybrid. They turn the mate Irken and take the child to experiment on.”

Abby and Dib looked at each other. Dib stepped forward.

“You can’t take Abby! She’s mine!”

Zim laughed again.

“According to Irken law, I can. I’ll be coming to get her in an hour.”

Abby gulped.

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Chapter 5“What are we going to do?”

Abby and Dib hugged each other for comfort. Tears rolled down their cheeks. Though they hadn’t known each other for long, they felt connected. Somehow. Maybe it was their love for the supernatural, but one thing’s for sure, they were meant for each other.

Dib checked his watch. “Zim’s coming soon.”

Abby squeezed Dib to the point where he couldn’t breath. “I don’t want to go with him.” Dib gasped for air. “You. Won’t. Have. To.” Abby realized he was in pain, so she let go. “I-I used to be so weak. But now-now I’m strong.” Her giant irises gazed into Dib’s human eyes. “I will always love you.”

The clock struck ten. Zim entered through a crack in the plastic. “Time to go.” Zim looked quite satisfied that he now had a girlfriend.

Abby’s crying eyes gazed at his. “NO.” She stepped back.

“No point resisting. I’ve got my back pack, remember? Since you were human, Irken law keeps you from having one so you won’t escape.”

“How can a backpack help you escape?”

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“That’s where the spider-leg-thingies come out of.”

Silence.

“Oh, whatever. You’re coming with me!” Zim grabbed Abby’s arm and dragged her to his ship.

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Chapter 6 “I’ll never love you, Zim.”

“I don’t care if you love me or not. I just want you to join Irken forces.”

“If I join, Irken law will make me love you!”

“Not love, marry!”

Abby was tied to a chair in a closet, Zim next to her. The single lightbulb lighting the room dangled back and forth.

“Zim, stop attempting to brainwash me!”

“I am not trying to brainwash you!”

Zim studied his guide to brainwashing. It said:

Step 1:Verbally attack victim until they, as well as you, are exhausted.Zim looked up from his book and started making battle noises, such as guns shooting and explosions.

“Um, Zim? That’s not how you verbally attack someone.”

“Do not question the almighty Zim!”

He read back at his book.

Step 2: Remind victim of bad things they have done.

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“Eh,” said Zim, “You’ve done bad things.”

Abby held back a laugh.

Step 3: Tell victim they aren’t who they think they are. This should cause them to have a breakdown.“Um, You’re Taylor Swift.”

This time Abby couldn’t help it. She burst out laughing.

“Hmm. This must count as the breakdown.”

Abby laughed even more.

Step four: Offer help to the person.“I can help untie you.”

Zim untied Abby, and she ran from the room, still laughing, clutching her stomach in pain. Wait, she didn’t have a stomach anymore. It was replaced with a squeedily-spooch. Let me try again.

Zim untied Abby, and she ran from the room, still laughing, clutching her sqeedily spooch in pain.

For some reason she’s laughing harder now. Oh, well.

She ran from Zim, towards her private quarters. She burst in.

“Computer, hook up a webcam to Dib’s computer.”

“What’s a webcam?”

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“I can’t take it anymore! Advanced technology makes life worse!” She ran running from that room and out of the base in plain sight. She was worried someone would see her, so she made her arms, legs, and head come into her outfit. She then crawled across the sidewalk, making her way to Dib’s house.

“Dib!” Her face muffled, it came out as “Derp” instead. Oh, well.

She burst into Dib’s house and ran to his room. “Dib!” Dib came running and embraced her grately.

Outside, Zim was chasing after her. Abby had to leave the house, Dib at her heels. I’ll never catch her, Zim thought. So he took a shortcut across a lawn. The lawn burned through his boots.

“Augh! Aughhhhhhhhhhhh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH!” He ran back on the sidewalk. His boots were missing. Well, not missing, they had just been incinerated, That’s all.

He called for his ship to take him and Abby home. It soon came, scooped him up, and, at high velocity, scooped up Abby.

“Put me down!”Abby was dangling from the ship on a bungee cord. “I’m gonna hurt you, Zim!”

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“Be quiet! I have my own problems! I walked across this one lawn, and it turned my feet pink!” Zim steered sloppily, and Abby was hanging on for dear life. “Jeez, Zim, do you want me to die?”

Underneath them, Dib was running as fast as he could. “You put her down, Zim!” Dib was almost out of breath.

“Yeah, Zim, put me down!”

“No! According to Irken law, you are my property!”

“Well, according to American law, which, might I remind you, is the race of the person you’re holding here, owning a person is illegal!”

“You’re race is no longer American, it is Irken.”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

This went on for a while.

Chapter 7

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Abby was put back on the chair, back in the closet, back next to Zim and his “How to brainwash Humans” guidebook.

“Now we are going to try a new method.”

Every day, for five years, it went on. This was the daily schedule:

1.Wake up

2. Force Abby to eat space meat

3.Take Abby to school

4.Attempt to brainwash Abby

5. Retrieve Abby

6.Sleep

One day, while hiding from Zim, Abby was talking to Dib.

“So, remember that day when Zim went across that one lawn and he said his feet were turned pink?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Well, not only was his feet pink, but they also had a human skeleton, human vains, and human blood. Since they were the only human part of his body, they had their own heart.”

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He stared “Why?”

Abby shrugged. “Probably something in the fertilizer.”

“Do you think…”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“…It would make you human again?”

This statement was followed by a long period of silence. Then Dib spoke up.

“I could get the info of what was put on the lawn. It used to belong to Mrs.Alberson back in 1953. She used to dump holy water on her yard. Rumor has it the grass itself have absorbed it’s holiness. I think that’s a bunch of bologna.”

“I think you spelled it wrong.”

“Oh, what ever.”

“Anyways, I’ve got a plan. You’ve still got contact with that paranormal society of yours?”

Dib nodded.

“Then let’s get cracking.”

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Chapter 8“Ok, when you get there you should see a swarm of lawn gnomes.”

“Positive. Why does an alien need so many gnomes?”

The Agent had three years experience at alien capture. His earpiece dangling from his ear, he took a step forward.

“What are you doing? You didn’t cover yourself with reflective tape yet.”

“What? They’re just lawn gnomes.”

“Do as I say! Who’s the alien’s captive? You or me?”

The Agent obediently did as he was told. He also engaged cloaking device, as he would need to to get in Zim’s base.

That didn’t stop the gnomes from noticing. They attempted to hit The Agent with a laser. To no avail. The laser bounced off the tape and destroyed the gnomes themselves.

The Agent (let’s just call him Bob from now on) snuck in the house.

“Ok, go into that door. Go down the toilet.”

“Toilet?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

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“But-But—”

“No “but”s. Go down the toilet. I’ll be waiting in the elevator.”

The line was disconnected.

“But-Hey! How do I get to the elevator? Hello?”

“If you’d like to make a call…”

Bob didn’t wait to here anymore. He tore out the earpiece and threw it on the ground. He went through the toilet only to end up in an elevator.

“Psh…Typical.” Out of the shadows came Abby.

Her alien appearance stunned Bob.

“You-You really are an alien? I thought…Since Dib filed this disturbance... that… that…” He trailed off.

“We really are on an alien mission, aren’t we?”

Abby nodded.

“Come on, get the meat. No, no, the Earth meat.” Bob got the crate of meat right before the elevator opened.

“Surprise!”

They knocked Zim out with the smell of meat. They then

dragged him to the nearest research center.

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Chapter 9“Wh-Where am I?”

Zim’s vision was limited, damaged by the meat.

“Why, you’re in the city prison.” The warden smacked his club onto his other hands dramatically.

“Really?” Zim was surprised.

“I haven’t been dissected?”

“Dissected? Did you hear that Valerie?” He called to an officer. “This kid thought he was going to be dissected!”

Soon the whole prison knew that a child thought he was going to be dissected.

“But I’m an alien! Why wouldn’t they dissect me?”

The warden laughed.

“They shouldda put ya in that mad house, not the prison.”

Zim looked down at his hands. They were peach. They had fingerprints. He looked between his eyes. What’s that lump doing there? He thought. His whole body- it was- it was human!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!” He went running around his cell, screaming like a little girl. “I’m HUMAN! HUMAN! SOMEONE! HELP ME!”

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A police officer interrupted Zim’s breakdown.

“Zim,” He said, “You’ve got a visitor.” He led Zim down the hall towards the visiting center. Oh, Good. He thought. Gir’s come to rescue me.He stopped at a stall with a beautiful, brown haired girl, wearing sunglasses, sat. “Hi, Abby.”

Abby sputtered.

“Uh, um, who is this incredibly beautiful Abby of whom you speak?”

Zim held back a laugh. Then his face turned fierce.

“What am I doing here? Tell me! Tell me NOW!!!”

“You are here for treason against all of Earth.”

“I guess I earned this.”

“You certainly did.”

“How dare you agree with Zim? I will DESTROY YOU!”

The warden caught a glance there was.

“…At the, uh, weekly foot race.”

“Wait a minute…” The warden was suspicious. “Didn’t you say weekly footrace? It’s monthly! You’re up to something!”

“Go away! I am but a normal human worm baby.”

Abby scoffed.

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The warden looked satisfied.

Zim continued in a deathly quiet whisper.

“What have you done to me?”

“Simple,” Abby said. She seemed extremely interested in her fingers. “I poured holy water over you.”

“What does ‘holy’ mean?”

All the visitors and convicts stared at him.

“What? I don’t know what ‘holy’ means. That’s all.”

Some people made tsk-tsk-ing sounds. Abby pinched her forehead between her fingers.

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Chapter 10Well, it is many years later. Zim remains in jail to this day, thanks to that remark about the word “holy.” He was later noted in the Guinness book of world records for longest living human. Apparently, the life span of an Irken child remained in his heart. Abby might have gotten that award, too, but she went mad from such a long life span and jumped into a river at age 153. She then joined Dib on the wonderful shore of eternal happiness, and eternal happiness was shared between the two.

Only the swollen eyeballs have any records of this story. But only I have the complete truth. For I witnessed the whole thing through my own mind, and recorded it on paper. My name is Abigail, and I am proud author of “Irken Idiot.”