© Mulier Instituut, Utrecht

Confrontational body spaces: transgender experiences in sportAn explorative study among 12 transgenders

Agnes Elling – Mulier institute, Netherlands

United against homophobia in sports: Inclusion of transgenders in European sports

Background• 6 transmen and 6 transwomen 27-51 years old

- 2 pre (hormonal) transition; 6 total transition

• two transmen lived together with partner (pre/post transition); one with mother- two transwomen / one transman divorced with children

• six identified as ‘gay’

• different educational background (vocational –university) and urbanized environments

• different sports biographies

• Hiding the body: shame and denial

Before my transition, I never participated in sports. You need some kind of selfrespect , which I absolutely didn’t have. (transwoman, 39)

I felt ashamed to be naked in the dressing room with the other boys. (transwoman, 46)

I never changed at the sports club ( transman, 47)

When something isn’t there, you cannot be ashamed of it.(transman,34)

Prior to transition: ‘this body is not me’

• Hurting/exerting the body - control

I always compared myself with men. I wanted to be as strong, and when that didn’t work, I became so angry with my body that I trained it to pieces…I didn’t mind hurting it, it’s the only thing one could do… train the body the way I wanted it to be… I was proud of my strong arms and legs, but in a way my torso wasn’t there. I literally nearly trained myself to death. (transman, 42)

Sport was for me a kind of exhaust. I really trained like crazy… Speed skating for me always was some kind of gender neutral place. (transwoman, 37)

• One ‘normal’ sportsbiography / biographical reconstructions

I was just a normal boy, played football in the first team until was 18. (transwoman, 41)

‘They were scouted by a prof football club and I could easily catch up with them.’ (transman, 43)

‘You try to compare with men… I was at the gym where [a former Olympic rowing champion] trained as well. We trained at the ergometer at the same time and I beat him. That gave me really a kick!’ (transman, 42)

During transition – process of ‘coming home’

• Avoid confrontationI started shaving my legs, so I couldn’t wear shorts anymore. The last year I trained with long trousers… I also wanted to take some distance from the badminton club. I started experimenting with doing things ‘as a woman’. Badminton got less priority. (transwoman, 41)

I lived publicly as a man, except for in the gym. (transman, 42)

• Change of dressing room

After the operation I went swimming a couple of times and changed of course in the women’s room. It was a bit weird, but I felt I belonged there. (transwoman, 37)

• The sport group as (un)safe transition group

It was a mixed recreational volleyball group, where I experienced my coming out and real life tests… They found the transition very exciting as well and were very supportive. (transwoman, 51)

They were sincerely interested and tried their best to let me just be a man. I felt very much at home in that group [gay wrestlers]. (transman, 34)

The men in the badminton group denied my womanhood. My first name was not said anymore either… I noticed that I was a kind of freak. (transwoman, 46)

Some are still using ‘he’ and ‘him’ quite insistingly.(transwoman, 36)

After transition – being (recognized as) me

• Being the body

Sport has developed my physical consciousness even more. (transwoman, 39)

•Showing one’s new/real body

When I go swimming I am aware that I have clear scars on my breast and I see many people watch me. It’s fine: ‘just watch!’

(transman, 34)

I used to wear oversized, long sleeved shirts, now I wear tight shirts. (transman, 42)

• Pride of official crossing and ‘passing’

I now participated twice in the run as a man. (transman, 47)

I look forward to getting a licence and officially participate as a woman. (transwoman, 37)

• Negotiation of risks of ‘discovery’/not being a hero

You can be proud to be gay, I don’t have any problems with that. As a transsexual you are more vulnerable, the stigma is much larger. The most visible transsexuals are those that are less passable and these stories are often negative. (transwoman, 39)

For me sports is very important. It’s one of the pillars of my life, that I won’t give up. (transwoman, 37)

Discussion

• Gendered sports spaces as confrontational spaces

• Full transgender inclusion fairness (or ‘fear’)

• European and national sport specific transgender policies?

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Hartelijk dankvoor uw aandacht!

Agnes Elling-Machartzkia.elling@mulierinstituut.nl