The Confident Champion

How to create breakthrough confidence and BELIEVE in yourself so you can deliver amazing peak performance, become and star athlete,

and dominate your sport.

1. STOP losing your confidence, becoming passive and self-conscious, and over-thinking

sport. When this happens, you perform at only a fraction of your potential and really don’t enjoy

competing.

2. STOP competing overwhelmed with fear, choking, and getting worse and worse out there so that your performance goes up and down like a yo-yo and you lose playing time, get yelled at,

or let your team down.

3. Try to compete with sub-par skills or skills that have hit a plateau so you really can’t

accomplish your goals no matter how motivated you are because you don’t have the

skills.

1. Create breakthrough confidence for yourself so that you are energized,

confident, aggressive, and excited to perform whenever you go out there.

2. Transform yourself into a mentally tough athlete so you can deliver peak

performances, get instant respect, and win consistently under pressure.

3. Develop consistent confidence by mastering the art of persistence and the will to win so you achieve total self-mastery and

are in control of your athletic destiny.

Session 1How to Create Unshakable Confidence

and BELIEVE in Yourself in Sport

Session 2How To Express Your True Greatness & Transform Yourself Into A Genuine

STAR

Session 3The Magic Formula for Becoming Fearless and Super-Charged with Confidence BEFORE You Compete

Session 4CONSISTENT Confidence: How to Master the Art of Persistence &

the Will to Win

Session 5Relationship Mastery - How to Create

Happy Relationships for Ultimate Confidence

Session Four ReviewCONSISTENT Confidence: How to Master the Art of Persistence &

the Will to Win

EXERCISE – Courage & Aggressiveness

1) Recall the last time you showed courage – the last time you did

something in competition or practice that frightened you.

EXERCISE – Courage & Aggressiveness

2) With respect to your Demon Stressor, how could you show

courage in your next practice or competition? How could you make a

habit of showing courage with it?

EXERCISE – Courage & Aggressiveness

3) Close your eyes and visualize what kind of athlete you would be if

you were 10%, 20%, or even 30% more of the “good aggressive” out

there. Then write down exactly what you’d do in competition

EXERCISE - Optimism

Here are some questions that will automatically trigger optimism in

you. Please think about your Demon Stressor when you answer them…

EXERCISE - Optimism

1) Describe something you`ve given up on right now, e.g., if your Demon Stressor is losing your swing in golf, then describe

how you’ve given up on being able to re-create a consistent golf swing that

allows you to crush the ball 300+ yards straight down the fairway.

EXERCISE - Optimism2) What attempts have you made to reach your

goal (the opposite of your Demon Stressor)? For example, if you are a swimmer and your Demon Stressor is getting a slow start, then

you’ve given up on changing your start technique to be faster. Be extremely detailed

in your answer - leave no stone unturned when describing what you’ve already tried.

EXERCISE - Optimism

3) How are you being passive like the elephants with learned

helplessness? Be specific in your description – explain what you are

NOT doing to make it happen.

EXERCISE - Optimism

4) What do you need to learn to defeat your Demon Stressor and

succeed in your goal?

EXERCISE - Optimism

5) Who can help you reach your goal? (Include resources and

people here).

EXERCISE - Optimism

6) What’s your worst case scenario if you don't achieve your goal the

first time? How could you do damage control and come back?

Session Five AgendaRelationship Mastery

How to Create Happy Relationships for Ultimate Confidence

Stop Rejection Now• Nothing will destroy your confidence

faster than rejection from coaches, athletes, and parents in your competing environment. Discover the secret that only 3% of athletes know for preventing and escaping rejection so you can keep your confidence sky-high.

A Magical Phrase That Erases Conflict

• The 10 words to say to resolve conflict with a teammate, competitor, coach or parent so you can focus 100% on performing your best and winning.

The MAGIC Trade Secret of Pro Leaders

• You’ll learn two killer methods for getting the people in your life to support you completely. With these methods, you will ethically gain the respect and admiration of everyone around you, making you invincible out there.

How To Handle Difficult or Moody People

• You are not a robot – your competing environment affects you…which is why you need to know how to handle moody coaches, competitors, parents, and other athletes in your competing environment. You will get a step-by-step method for so you can stay calm, confident and in control no matter how others are treating you.

THE Relationship Success Principle

• You’ll discover the most potent strategy on the planet for creating happy, harmonious relationships with teammates, coaches, parents, and even officials.

Coach Picking on You? Here’s What To Do

• You’ll receive a specific script that will work every time to melt away tension between you and your coach and get him or her to be your biggest fan.

Confidence is the belief that you can cope with the challenges of

competition and fulfill your desires. It is a profound belief in your athletic self.

What is Confidence?

We develop confidence from continually defeating fear using the

three mental practices of the Confident Champion: Face It,

Master It, and Make It Happen.

Face It – The Practice of Consciousness

Master It – The Practice of Competence

Make It Happen – The Practice of Commitment

When you engage in these three practices every day, you gain more and more CONTROL over your performance, which triggers your Confident Self.

In Session one, two, and three, we focused mainly on the first two

practices of the Confident Champion – Face It (face your fear)

and Master It (master your sport). In Session Four and Five, we are going to bring in more of Make It Happen:

The Practices of Commitment.

Why Relationship Mastery?

Woody Allen said that “80% of problems come with hair on top.” When we are having conflict with the main people in our lives, we can spiral into anger and depression

To create breakthrough confidence, deliver peak performances, and win, we need more than just a belief in our skills. We need to feel emotionally stable, worthy of success, and valued. Above all

else, what we are really seeking is love.

So what is the key to happy, harmonious relationships?

The key to relationship mastery is actually quite simple.

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson says that we need to feel emotionally safe with

people and make them feel safe too. Dr. Johnson calls this ‘holding each other tight.’

The reason for this is because we are emotionally attached to and dependent on

our loved ones the same way a small child is dependent on a parent for nurturing,

soothing, and protection.

EXERCISE – Emotionally Safe

In the space below, write down three important relationships in

your life in which you feel emotionally safe…

EXERCISE – Emotionally Safe

How do these relationships affect your athletic training and

performance?

When you are in distress in any relationship, it’s because you don’t feel emotionally safe, or truly cared for, or 100% accepted, or truly

loved at times in the relationship.

Attachment Distress

This state is called ‘attachment distress.’

In your heart, you are asking, “Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I

matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me,

rely on me?”

On the surface, attachment distress seems extreme. But it’s actually

common for most people to experience it quite often, as much

as several times a week!

Here are some common examples of attachment distress…

• The coach of Christy’s rowing team is also her boyfriend, Owen. Owen almost never shows Christy affection in public, which bothers Christy, even to the point of making her doubt that he cares about her.

• Cal is a seventeen year old hockey player who has now been cut from midget AAA twice. Deep in his heart he feels the coach does not value him and he is bitter about it.

• Jeff, a volleyball player, is convinced his team captain thinks he sucks. He says the captain gives him bad body language and the “stink eye”, and it makes him feel unappreciated on the team.

Textbook Attachment Distress – Swimmer Dara Torres

‘Do you think I can still do this? Do you think I can still swim fast?’

‘I think you can do well in the 50, but I’m not sure how well you’ll do

in the 100,”’ he replied n his matter-of-fact German way.

‘I know I can sometimes seem tough and confident on the surface, but I really have two opposing sides to myself: the fierce competitor who thinks she can swim faster than

anybody else, and the vulnerable woman desperate to please others

and afraid to fail.

Part of training, for me, is believing I’m going to win. I need to imagine

victory—that’s how my mind works…I’m happy if I win and I`m unhappy if I lose, but it doesn`t

change my mind. I keep wanting to win, and I keep imagining I’ll be able

to do that.”

“You know, Michael, I’d just really appreciate it if you didn’t say

anything negative to me before I swim.’’

He looked at me sort of blankly. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘You know that comment you made yesterday at lunch? That you didn’t think I could swim well at the 100? You make those little comments, and they really upset me, so I’d

really appreciate it if you’d stop.’

If you’re struggling to step up and ask for what you want and need,

remember being a confident champion is not just about you.

Sometimes you have to step up and manage the people around you in order to bring out your best.

In fact one of the main things that separates athletes who reach their goals from athletes who do not is

that they willing to be assertive with the people around them.

You can see from these examples how common attachment distress

is, both in sport and life.

However, most people don’t recognize they are in it, partly because it’s so

common and partly because we’re very reluctant to admitting this level of

vulnerability about another person. We want to be ‘too cool for school’ and

pretend that we’re above feeling alone, hurt, and rejected the same way we did

as small children.

Attachment Distress – The Signs

Here are some easy ways to tell if you are ever in “attachment

distress” in any relationship…

• You do not trust the other person; either you don’t think he’ll keep his promises or you doubt his sincerity.

• You feel under-valued and unappreciated.• You are very sensitive to the moods of the

other person and fall into depression when he or she does not respond to you positively. You tend to feel rejected around him.

• You find yourself complaining about the other person to your friends. You realize you sound like a victim, but you can’t seem to help yourself.

• You find yourself obsessing about the other person in your head, usually running them down or defending yourself.

• If the other person criticizes you, you tend to over-react and struggle to keep it in perspective.

• You are inauthentic and fake a lot with this person; you find asserting your needs and being yourself very difficult.

• Conflict with this person makes you feel inadequate; you tend to shut down emotionally and run away when it happens.

Attachment Distress – The Effects

When we are in attachment distress, we will usually suffer from one or

more of the following…

De-motivation. You just don’t feel as fired up as usual. You may even

procrastinate or feel depressed.

Rejection Pain/Sadness. You feel unloved, unlovable, and

even unworthy.

Anger/Frustration. You are ruminating about the person in your

mind and may have difficulty concentrating.

Victim Mentality. You feel victimized by this person and

helpless to get him to showing the caring you need.

Revenge Impulse. You want to hurt the person back for hurting you, and probably will say or do something to

bring this about.

EXERCISE – Attachment Distress & You

Write down three relationships in which you sometimes find yourself falling into attachment distress…

EXERCISE – Attachment Distress & You

Write down the last time you recall being in this emotional state

EXERCISE – Attachment Distress & You

How did this situation affect your mood, productivity, athletic training and performance?

Attachment Distress – The Way Out

To develop breakthrough confidence and deliver amazing

peak performance, you’ll want to free yourself of as much attachment

distress in your life as possible.

There are three steps:

1.Train other people to Hold You Tight.

2.Hold Tight the other people in your life.

3.Learn how to soothe yourself and re-gain emotional security when in Attachment Distress.

When people have hurt us, let us down, and disappointed us, we want to shut them out and never have to risk being

hurt again. While this is completely natural, this does not lead to feeling connected, happy, and confident. It leads to bitterness and insecurity – what I call the Scrooge syndrome.

The only way to feel whole again is to admit our longing to feel completely loved by the important people in our lives.

You may have heard the expression that “we teach people how to treat us.” This is exactly the strategy we

can use to train other people to ‘hold us tight.’

How to Train Other People To ‘Hold You Tight’

Holding each other tight, explains Dr. Johnson, means tuning into each other’s calls for connection and then

responding with caring.

We need to show our vulnerability by confessing our fears and longing for connection. When we do this, we can ‘move’ our loved ones into

giving us what we need.

Step One: Drop The Need for Vengeance

It sounds simple! Problem solved!

But do we do it? Do we show our vulnerability to the people we love? Confess that we feel unlovable, or inadequate, or inferior? Tell them

we need to connect?Ah, no.

Why not?

For the simple reason that our ‘attachment distress’ gets the better

of us. (Once we’re in ‘attachment distress’ we fall into two

stock responses…

1. We fight. We become demanding and clingy (usually by attacking, criticizing, and complaining) or

2. We withdraw and ignore (usually by avoiding or minimizing)

Yet both responses fail, because they hurt the other person. In fact,

trying to protect ourselves and vengeance (getting even) are the same thing, explains Steven Reiss, Ph.D. in Who Am I? The 16 Basic

Desires That Motivate Our Actions And Define Our Personalities.

“The desire to get even with people who offend us is associated with

feelings of anger or hatred. Its primal origin concerns an animal’s

need to defend itself when attacked,” Reiss notes. Once we’re

hurt, we want to hurt back.

Of course vengeance always backfires. We are all are so sensitive that the smallest misstep can cause us to doubt we are loved.

EXERCISE – Vengeance: Fight or Flight

In the space below, record a recent time when you felt not cared for (in

attachment distress) and either picked a fight with the person or shut down and ignored him or her. Describe your exact

reaction, whether it was complaining and criticizing or ignoring him/her.

EXERCISE – Vengeance: Fight or Flight

Write down how you blame the other person for not getting what you want

in the relationship. Make sure you include the other person’s weaknesses

as your justification. “He’s selfish.” “She’s insecure like her Mom.”

EXERCISE – Vengeance: Fight or Flight

Now record how your blame hurts this person and makes the

relationship worse.

Dropping Blame, Vengeance, and Fight or Flight

To be a confident champion and deliver amazing peak performances consistently, you’ll want to become

an excellent communicator – both in communicating with yourself

and others.

Now that you are aware of your tendency (fight or flight) with this person, your job is to change how

you communicate so that you have a much better chance of getting the

caring you need.

The first change you can make is to be more honest with yourself about what’s

really going on inside you – meaning, you acknowledge that you are hurt and

attachment distress. You are wondering, “Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to

you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?”

What most people do instead is deny their vulnerability.

“I don’t care what he thinks.”

“He’s an idiot, I’m going to ignore him.”

“I’m going to really tell her off when I see her.”

All these types of responses are “You can’t fire me, I quit!” types of

responses and they are not very honest. They are designed to protect us from feeling sad,

rejected, and vulnerable.

Here’s a quick exercise that will help you avoid the natural reactions of

blame and vengeance.

EXERCISE – Telling the Truth

Tell the truth about the incident you’ve been working on in this

session. E.g., “When he gives me the stink eye in practice, I feel so rejected

and useless I want to crawl into a hole. I wish he respected me.” So here is

the formula…

EXERCISE – Telling the Truth

State the way the other person treated you.

EXERCISE – Telling the Truth

State how it made you feel (angry, rejected, hurt, alone, sad, inadequate, insignificant).

EXERCISE – Telling the Truth

State how you secretly wish this person felt about you and

treated you.

Once you’re told the truth to yourself, you can tell the truth to him or her – and “move” the person into holding you tight.

Getting Total ClarityRemember: no matter how mentally tough

you are, your environment affects you, and if you want genuine breakthrough

confidence, you need to gain the support of the people in your competing

environment: coaches, parents, team members, and

even competitors.

To get the support you need, you will need to train the people you love to ‘hold you tight.’ You deserve to feel

supported, valued, and believed in. To get this kind of support, you’ll need

total clarity on what they need to do that makes you feel this way, because

we all a bit different.

The Five Love Languages

The idea that we all need different things to FEEL loved, supported, and respected was made popular by Dr. Gary Chapman

in The Five Love Languages, which basically teaches that we all have unique

ways of receiving love and support.

There is an irony to love languages: We tend to express love the way

WE feel loved, not the way people need to receive it. The idea of

languages explains why so many people feel lonely and sad, even when they seem to have a lot of

“good” relationships on the outside.

The five love languages in romantic relationships are: verbal affirmation (compliments and I Love You’s), gifts

(obvious), acts of service (doing things for us), physical affection

(hugs, sexual intimacy), listening, and quality time (doing things the

other person enjoys).

All of us enjoy these things, but most of us have one or two as primary love languages.

When someone expresses love to us in these ways, we feel valued,

cherished, loved, and respected. We rarely feel hurt, alone, and

abandoned by this person because he “gets” us.

Sport Love Languages

Sport has its own set of “love languages”. In my travels, I’ve noticed the following…

1. Verbal Affirmation – Compliments, smiles, fist bumps when you do well.

2. Show of Support – The person invests time, energy, and money in helping you achieve your goals in sport.

3. Show of Belief – Through compliments, playing time, and giving you responsibility during the event (e.g., passing you the puck), the person demonstrates belief that you can get the job done.

4. Listening – The person listens to your concerns, needs, heartaches, and triumphs.

EXERCISE – Your Sport Love Languages

It’s time to get specific. With a person in mind, write down 5-10

different endings for the following sentence...

EXERCISE – Your Sport Love Languages

I want [person X] to start _______

Make sure you describe observable behaviours only. For example, if you wrote, “I want Joan to start saying ‘great game’ to me after I play well,” this is more specific

than saying, “I want Joan to start recognizing my talent.” Please be specific in terms of what behaviour you want from this

person. Saying you want ‘recognition’ or ‘respect’ from someone still doesn’t clarify

exactly what behaviour you are seeking.

EXERCISE – Your Sport Love Languages

Once you are done this sentence completion, do the same thing for

the following sentence…

EXERCISE – Your Sport Love Languages

I want [person X] to stop _______

Again, make sure you describe observable behaviour. For example, you might write, “I

want Grant to stop telling me how to improve during the game because it

distracts me.” At this point, you should have a concrete idea of what behaviours you want and don’t want from this person. If

you still aren’t sure, write 5 different endings for both sentences each day for the

next 7 days until you have more clarity.

EXERCISE – Your Sport Love Languages

Your next job is to ask this person for what you need to feel loved or respected by him/her. You simply assume this person doesn’t know

what you need and ask for it.

EXERCISE - Ask and You Shall Receive

In the space below, write down the request you will make of

this person…

Lisa I don’t know if you can help me, but here goes, what should i do if i

really want to practice and i am scared to practice with my dad because he yells and makes me

feel bad?

In private, say something like, "Dad, I know you are trying to help

me...but you are making me worse by yelling. If you want me to do

something different in practice, ASK me to do it - please don’t yell

at me."

If he promises not to do it but does it again, the second he starts to yell,

turn to him and say, "Don’t yell at me, Dad. Just ask me for what

you want."

Say it every time he yells in a way that de-motivates you (sometimes yelling can motivate you because it’s actually appropriate - you’ll know the difference though).

If he doesn’t stop yelling, then walk out of practice. He won’t yell again.

Sometimes Dads don’t realize how they are coming across and need you to take charge of the situation.

What If This Person WON’T Hold You Tight?

I know what you’re thinking. “What if I put myself out there and ask for what I want – but this person STILL

doesn’t make me feel loved or valued?”

This is where you become like a detective and figure out WHY she’s

not cooperating to make you feel loved.

“May I Ask Why?”

In Nice On My Feelings, Dr. Terry Orlick tells the story of Little Mary, who wanted to wear her sandals to the picnic. The problem was that Mary’s mother wanted her to wear running

shoes, not sandals. When Mary’s mother found that Mary had put on her sandals (and on the wrong feet) she said, “They’re on the wrong feet –change them.” Mary replied, “It

doesn’t matter.”

Finally the mom got mad and yelled, “I don’t want to spend all morning getting

shoes on. I want to go on the picnic,” slamming her hand hard on the floor. Mary

began to cry and ran towards her room. Her mom intercepted Mary, slid her onto her knee and changed her shoes to the

correct feet. She said, “I don’t want to hear any more whining or crying,” and quickly

exited the house with Mary.

The next day Dr. Orlick asked Mary why she liked wearing her sandals better than her running shoes. Mary said, “Because I can tie these up, all by

myself.” Mary wanted to wear shoes under her control, especially since she

would be taking them on and off all day at the picnic.

EXERCISE – May I Ask Why?

Your next job is to ask this person for what you need to feel loved or respected by him/her. You simply assume this person doesn’t know

what you need and ask for it.

1. He DOESN’T KNOW what you want (even if you’ve asked him).

2. He thinks he’s ALREADY giving you want you want.

3. He doesn’t REALIZE that by not giving you what you want, he’s actually making you feel unloved and crushing your confidence.

4. He finds what you’re asking HARD. For example, if your Dad is a critical person, it is difficult to be accepting and supportive of you.

5. He’s finding it hard to get MOTIVATED to give you what you want. This can happen if the person you love has a lot more emotional power in the relationship and does not respect you very much.

6. He is withholding it because he, too, feels UNLOVED in the relationship (and is being stingy).

Which Reason Is It?

1. He DOESN’T KNOW what you want (even if you’ve asked him).

2. He thinks he’s ALREADY giving you want you want.

3. He doesn’t REALIZE that by not giving you what you want, he’s

actually making you feel unloved and crushing your confidence.

4. He finds what you’re asking HARD and he just doesn’t want to do it. For example, if your Dad is a critical person, it is difficult to be accepting and supportive of you.

5. He’s finding it hard to get MOTIVATED to give you what you

want. This can happen if the person you love has a lot more emotional power in the relationship and does

not respect you very much.

6. He is withholding it because he, too, feels UNLOVED or UNAPPRECIATED in the

relationship (and is being stingy).

EXERCISE – Solve the Mystery

Based on your “May I Ask Why? conversation, the reasons I just gave you,

and the type of relationship you have, solve the mystery of why this person,

despite caring about you, does not give you the experience of feeling loved,

appreciated, or respected (hold you tight)…

Of course, once you unearth the reason why this person is not

holding you tight, you can trouble-shoot what’s holding him or her

back from giving you what you want and deserve.

1. ‘Hold Tight’ the other people in your life.

2. Learn how to soothe yourself and re-gain emotional security when in Attachment Distress.

Hold Other People Tight

I would like you to use what you’ve learned in this session to make all the people in your life feel more

loved. Not only will this make you feel good, it will stack the odds in your favour of getting what you need to feel loved, supported,

and respected.

EXERCISE – Hold Someone Tight

Select a specific relationship you would like to improve. In the space below, write down what you think

makes him or her feel loved, respected, or valued by you…

30 Day Challenge

For the next 30 days, do one thing every day (or week) depending on how often you see this person to

make him or her feel loved or valued by you. Record what you did

and how he or she responded in your Athlete’s Journal.

Pave the Way: A Magical Phrase That Erases Conflict

If the relationship you selected is tense (or not going well) because

you have hurt him or her, there is a magical phrase that will erase the conflict if you are genuine when

you use it.

I read it recently...a simple piece of advice that said, ‘When you’ve upset

someone, don’t justify yourself or argue. Simply say, ‘I’m so sorry I

upset you. Would you forgive me?’

Coach Down On You? Here’s What to Do

Let’s look at a flesh and blood example of how you can make an

immediate, dramatic improvement in a relationship using the Hold Me Tight method of asking someone

what she needs to feel valued.

Lisa, my coach is a bully..she puts me down and doesnt play me after I

mess up (i play vollryball.). I have broken down a few times even

though I tell myself to ignore her.

I am getting less and less agressive in practice because my self-esteem is slowly going down the drain, and

my confidence is leaving.

I have always gotten adrenaline rushes, but now I just get plain

scared to mess up for what she will do to me.

I am not going back to the volleyball team next season as a junior in

highschool, and I’m going to play on a club team.

Do you have any tips to boost my confidence or help me get through

the rest of the season?

First, you need to channel your anger into playing better. Right now you are turning your anger inwards,

towards yourself.

You’re going "on strike" psychologically. Quitting without

actually quitting.

You’re doing this to hurt your coach because she’s hurting you. Coaches

hate when players go "on strike" because it’s their job to get the

most out of you.

The problem with playing poorly is that it hurts you more than

it hurts her.

Going on strike feels good temporarily because you get to feel

sorry for yourself and make her miserable at the same time.

But, it’s not an effective long term solution, because your "mental

strike" is the reason your confidence is leaving you -- not her.

So instead of sabotaging yourself, I want you learn how to have a

CHALLENGE response.

I’m talking about the "good" anger that makes you play better.

Then go out there and make your point on the court.

Say something like, "I know you are trying to get me to play better...but you are making me worse by yelling

at me. If you want me to do something different in practice, ASK me to do it - don’t yell at me. Coach

what do you want?"

If she’s not playing you, go see her after practice. Say, "Coach, why

aren’t you playing me? What do you need to see from me?"

Then get out your notepad and take good notes. LISTEN to what she’s

asking of you. Then give it to her on the court.

Of course, to take my advice, first you need to forgive her. Right now

you won’t be motivated to stop your strike because all you want to

do is hurt her.

Until you give up wanting to hurt her, nothing good is going to

happen in volleyball this year. How do you forgive? Simple.

You give up your intense need to hurt her. Remember all athletes are

competitive, and all competitive people have a strong desire for vengeance (the desire to hurt

people back).

If you forgive her, play better, and communicate with her like I’ve suggested, you can resolve this.

But somebody has to make that first move, and that somebody is you.

Remember, confident champions are not typical athletes. A typical athlete would pack it in and avoid

this coach forever.

How to Rescue Yourself from Attachment Distress

Despite their best intentions, sometimes other people will make mistakes and let you down. We are all a work in progress and because of this, people transgress against

us every day.

Therefore, no matter how wonderful your relationships are,

you will still have a certain amount of attachment distress in your life. When people love you imperfectly, you’ll want to shut down (go numb) or lash out at them because you feel

hurt, angry and sad.

“His Confidence Has Taken A Big Blow”

A simple example: here’s an email I got recently from a Dad about

his son…

"Lisa my son is 14 and plays competitive hockey. The team is doing well and will likely go to

playoffs. Unfortunately, the two last very close games, my son was

benched during the whole sudden death overtime.

What hurts the most, is that he was actually playing a great game. It seems the coach did not want

to risk it.

His confidence has taken a big blow. He came out of the dressing room

tonight saying "I thought I played a very good game, why was

I benched?"

97% of athletes will react the way this 14-year-old did. The message

they interpret the coach is sending is, “You’re not good enough to

play,” and the buy into it. They may disagree in their heart, but instead of choosing their own belief over

the coach’s, they will accept it.

Next, they implode. They turn their anger inward on themselves and get

depressed and passive, playing worse and worse. They’ve officially

blamed themselves for the message they got from their coach.

The Good Will Hunting Strategy

When we are in attachment distress, we feel unloved and unlovable. We feel unworthy. This cripples our self-esteem and confidence because deep down, we don’t feel worthy of love, success, and happiness.

“It’s Not Your Fault”

To rescue ourselves from attachment distress, you need to

grasp one concept: that whenever people reject you, abandon you, or give you negative messages about

yourself, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

All his life, Will bought into the idea that the abuse was his fault. He felt worthless and lived a life way below

his potential. At the end of the movie, however, he is ready to

entertain that maybe it was not his fault.

However, the fact is that because being a conscious parent is quite difficult, most of us were loved

imperfectly, and as a result, internalized negative messages. The

most common ones I’ve noticed are…

1. I’m not good enough2. I’m a bad person3. I don’t exist or matter (I’m

invisible)

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

Follow this series of questions to nurture yourself through

attachment distress whenever someone is rejects you or gives you a negative message about

yourself.

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

1. What is the message this person is giving you about yourself? (Use

the “I’m not good enough” / “I’m a bad person” / “I don’t exist or

matter” to give you ideas)

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

2. How does this message make you FEEL?

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

3. How does this message make you ACT? (How do you show with your behaviour and actions that you’ve

bought into it?)

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

4. When did you decide to buy into this message and believe it? Why

did you do that?

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

5. Could you let this message go?

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

6. Would you let it go?

EXERCISE – Good Will Hunting

7. When?

Getting to The Truth

I know what you’re thinking. “Lisa what if the person giving me the negative message is someone I

love and trust? Or, what if there’s some truth to what he is saying?”

First of all, there is never any truth to a message that you are a) not

good enough, b) a bad person or c) you don’t exist or matter.

You are wondering if there is a GRAIN of truth to one of these messages. For example, if your

coach believes other players will do a better job in the final minutes of a

game, and every other coach agrees, what are you to take away

from that?

Instead of getting defensive, I explored the criticism with

questions. "What is the difference, exactly, between the way

I play vs. Diana?"

Finally, my friend looked me in the eye and said, "Nothing. I think they

are trying to tear you down a bit because you always score."

48 hours later we won the World Ringette Championship. And, we did

it together, as a total team.

First, get to the heart of this person’s perception of you. Is there

any truth to it?

Never let anyone criticize you globally, such as, "You’re a jerk." Just ask, "How am I a jerk exactly?"

If you are being a jerk, you can certainly change.

I was not a perfect teammate. I think this is the reason why the

criticism bothered me so much – deep down I knew I could be more supportive of others. So I set a goal

to be more supportive and generous to everyone.

EXERCISE – How To Be Bullet-Proof

to CriticismConsider any negative message you

are getting in your life from an important person. Is there any truth about you this message?

Write down your thoughts in the space below…

EXERCISE – How To Be Bullet-Proof

to CriticismIf you did identify anything true and

you agree with the criticism, write down three things you can do

immediately to change this about yourself…

Now get to work on these three items and wipe this problem off the map. Once you do, you’ll no longer be vulnerable to criticism

No One Can Push You Around Without Your Permission

While photographing a the leopard for a course, 19-year-old Casy

Gutteridge at the Santago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire

was recently astounded by a mouse’s behaviour.

He said: "I have no idea where the mouse came from - she just appeared in the enclosure after the keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard.

He didn’t take any notice of the leopard, just went straight over to

the meat and started feeding himself.

The leopard was pretty surprised - she bent down and sniffed the mouse and flinched a bit like she was scared. In the meantime the mouse just carried on eating like nothing had happened!"

Even a gentle shove didn’t deter the little creature from getting his fill.

"It was amazing, even the keeper who had thrown the meat into the

enclosure was shocked - he said he’d never seen anything like it

before."

Project owner Jackie James added: "Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food. But the determined little thing took no notice and just carried on."

So the mouse continued to eat the leopard’s lunch and show the leopard who was the boss...just proves no one can push you around without your permission.

Session Five Re-Cap

I'll talk to you again soon.