Success with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense

Diffusing Conflict by Reflecting Peace.

Tom Lutz

Reality Check

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself for:

Energy

Commitment

Raise the power of self observation

The brain is a wonderful organ;it starts working the moment you

get up in the morningand doesn’t stop

until you get to work.

…Robert Frost

What we will learn today:

Build structure and reason around what you either know, or have intuitively felt about conflict.

Understand conflict and conflict mode from both Kilmann-Thomas and Satir

Give you some strategies for dealing with conflict “on line.”

Describe the Physical Signs of Conflict

Voice: Volume Inflection Tone

Body LanguageWord choice

Defensive - Accusatory Non-defensive

What do we know about Thomas-Kilmann?

Researching Conflict since the 1970sDeveloped a “Grid” which describes

conflict modes: Cooperative versus Assertive behavior

T-K require we understand our mode, the mode of others, and how they might interact.

Conflict Orientations Assertive

Unassertive Uncooperative Cooperative

Competitive Collaborative Sharing (Cooperative) Avoiding Accommodating

Conflict Management Style

Time out for…

Thomas-Kilmann conflict mode instrument…..

Conflict Orientations Assertive

Unassertive Uncooperative Cooperative

Competitive Collaborative Sharing (Cooperative) Avoiding Accommodating

Conflict Management Style

Thomas-Kilmann: the Five Conflict Handling Modes

Avoiding Unassertive/uncooperative

Competing Assertive/uncooperative

Accommodating Cooperative/unassertive

Compromising Moderately assertive/Moderately cooperative

Collaborating Cooperative/assertive

Let’s move on….

…to Virginia Satir

A family therapist

What do we know about Satir Modes?

Virginia Satir discovered that when people are involved in confrontations - a.k.a.- non-casual language interactions, our language behavior falls into one of five consistent modes.

The greater the stress the more we tend to select the mode we are most comfortable with.

Three types of Satir Mode choices:

1. That triggered by severe crisis (e.g. a trip to E.R.) the person is locked into a preferred mode. The choice is made below the level of conscious awareness.

2. Choice made naively due to being over-powered or the feeling of a mismatch.

3. A Strategic Choice, an informed or skilled choice based on knowledge.

The Five Satir Modes

BlamingPlacatingComputingDistractingLeveling

Blaming

Just what it says…attacking a source outside one’s self.

Characterized by distinct verbal and body language: Voice volume, pitch and tone are HIGH Selection of words…mostly “you” Body language…you get the drift…

Placating

Much like Blaming with voice being loud, high and staccato-like

Like Blaming, uses “you” frequently BUT, is sarcastically AGREEING Uses capitulation as a tactic to

foster blaming…(may be perceived as safer)

Computing

You’ll know it when you hear it: Does NOT use YOU Blames a “third party” for safety VOICE…tone, pitch and volume are

subdued Body language is subdued Participates in the discussion, but not the

argument….. Over the long run is inefficient

Distracting

This person either does not know how to argue, OR is not sure which side to blame, OR is frightened for ones safety.

Is Blaming, Placating and Computing… Voice, body and words similar to Blaming Distracting mode aggravates people who

like to argue…rather than being safe (as perceived) it is risky….

Leveling

It is the truth as the speaker knows it. Spoken with skillful language in a non-

confrontational manner. Leveling is the most efficient mode Characterized by:

Voice…low volume, pitch and tone LITTLE use of the word “you” Body language is warm…not threatening

Satir Mode choice…Naïve:

Blaming: Act like you have power; feel like you are powerless.

Placating: Act like you don’t care; feel like you care very deeply.

Computing: Act like you have no emotions; feel like you have too many emotions.

Distracting: Act like you have to say everything; feel like you have nothing to say.

Leveling: All three channels match: inner feelings, words, body language.

What happensWhen you match modes?

Blaming at someone who is Blaming creates a confrontation - ALWAYS

Placating at someone who is Placating creates an undignified delay

Computing at someone who is Computing creates a dignified delay

Distracting at someone who is Distracting is panic feeding panic…creates more panic

….and finally

Leveling with someone who is leveling is the simple truth going in both directions

Feeding the loop…

Rule: Anything you feed will grow: If you want to escalate the mode

coming at you…match the mode If you don’t recognize the mode coming

at you…use computing mode until you know...

Miller’s Law

In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true, and try to imagine what it could be true of. (Usually we are thinking the opposite: it is not true, and what is wrong.)

And finally…Sensory Language:

Words that describe the senses such as touch, hearing, sight, and to a lesser extent smell and taste.

To give affirmation to a sensory speaker, you should match their sensory words.

To ignore their sensory mode is to refute their message.

Be careful of those who are touch dominant.

Being a PEACEMAKER

Summarizing…”Let me understand what you are saying.”

Use neutral words (leveling vs. blaming)Checking In: Reality vs. ImaginationTesting for agreement: “Would you agree

that…”Ask open ended questions.Restate a negative to make it more

positive

More peacemaking

Praise and encourage. “Thanks for the input…”

Validate issues and feelings (Use “I” messages)

Use clear (leveling) languageDon’t interrupt.Let them vent…within reason.Focus on issues not people.People want you to LISTEN

Thank You

Your Questions Please