Shame Resilience-Heroic Families-Parallel Processes

Dr. Louise A. Stanger LCSW, CIP and Jeffrey M. Merrick Esquire

Jeffrey J. Merrick, Esq.

Attorney / Interventionist Hollywood, California (949) 280-3603jeffrey@attorneymerrick.com

Dr. Louise A. Stanger, Ed.D, LCSW, CIP

Interventionist, Author, SpeakerWest Hollywood, California(619) 507-1699Allaboutinterventions.com

Objectives Identify external motivators and

collateral processes for the resistant client

Learn alignment strategies using Motivational Interviewing and Solution Focused Therapy

Practice the art of Crucial Conversations

Practice Parallel Processes Identify Emotional Attunement Practice Reflective Listening and

Speaking Identify Ways to Integrate these

strategies into your practice Care Advocacy for the client in

treatment

Superwomen Counselor

Superman Counselor

How do our clients arrive ?

Family History

Dance

Mental / Physical Health Issues

Substance Abuse

Sudden Death

Financial Crisis

Legal Crisis

Family Strengths

Communication Caring Health Commitment Resilience Spirituality

Attributes of Healthy Families ( McMannis PHD & McMannis MSW)

Talking & Loving Expressing

Language Adapting to Change Sharing Time

Together Who’s in Charge

Balancing Closeness & Difference

Accepting Difference Seeing The Positive Effective Problem

Solving Parenting Together

Families with SA & MH Are behavioral systems in which SA and MH-related behaviors have become

the central organizing structure

An identity is forged around this, family accommodates to the special needs of the person with SA or MH behavior

Daily rituals reflect this new identity and can alter the balance that exists between growth and regulation in the family

Families begin to count on a conscious or unconscious way of this new identity and are somewhat resistant to change -- in other words SA is actually maintained by the family

Hence the introduction of change most often appears as emphasis on short term stability at the expense of long term growth.

Family distortions

Good - Not So Good

Families and Confabulations

Family Fusion

Lack of personal space Taking over-Controlling Blurred Lines Blaming Power Denying Rescuing / Faulty

Reasoning Boundaries Getaway Driving Bailout

So What Type of Families Do You Encounter? Agreeable Family –Does everything

you ask The Invisible Family-always in the

background The Questioner- calls all the time

and emails … The Know it all-Knows everything

about everything The Talker – Talks –Talks and Talks

The Complainer- Nothing is ever good enough

The Worrier The Micro-Manager The Confuser-- says one thing

does completely the opposite. Analysis / Paralysis

What’s your Attitude ?

Families are Hurting / Experts (SFT)

1.Client is the expert about their own life

2. Professionals adopt posture of not knowing (easier said then done)!

Solution Focused Coaching

Not necessary to understand deeper cause or meaning

Goals are defined by client, focusing on the possible and changeable, honoring client choice

Small change is often all that is possible

Families/Clients are experts 3. Counselor expertise

is called along the way.

4. Remember this is not about you

5. Avoid one upmanship

Assumption: Families are Motivated Probability of behavior

change or movement toward or against goal

Extrinsic…….

Intrinsic ……

What are they motivated to do?

Braving- Trust- Brene’ Brown…….. B-Am I clear in helping client

respect their own boundaries? R-Am I reliable did I do what I

said I was going to do? A-Did I hold myself accountable V -Did I respect confidentiality

and share I- Did I act from integrity? N did I ask for what I needed-

Was I nonjudgmental ? G-Was I generous in my

interpretation of myself and others

Parallel Processes Families must have opportunities

to grow alongside their loved one that is in treatment

The Truth is all parents fail their children …

The Task of growing is to find our own ways of parenting ourselves

To Parent from a Place of Love

Krissy Pozatek. LICSW

Parallel Process Letting Go of the reins

Emotional Attunement

Listening-Reflective

Learning how to speak

Shifting Responsibility Back to your loved one

Separate but coordinated processes -- bringing in our clients’ motivators

Who Moved My Cheese? Traps to Avoid

Expert Question- Answer Labels Taking sides Blaming Others Runaway Defense – Healthy versus Unhealthy

Help? Know your boundaries

Intervention

Treatment Indicated / Client Unwilling Client in Trouble / Loss of Control Family Focus Higher/ Problem More Visible Court Involvement / Assistance Maximum Consequences / Leverage / External

Motivators In Custody / Threat of Custody / Return to Custody Access to client over time / Single location More Willingness / Freedom vs. Treatment Needs Attorney, Bail, Etc. Redefining Freedom Fear – The Great Motivator

External Motivators

Assumptions To Avoid Person OUGHT to

change Person WANTS to

change Persons health is prime

motivation factor If she/he decides not to

change consultation is a failure

Individuals are either motivated to change or they are not

Now is the right time to consider change

A tough approach is always the best approach

I am the expert and know best

I am right my child, young adult , grown child is wrong

A equalitarian approach is always best

Strategies for Handing Resistance

Clarification Shift focus away from

stumbling block Emphasize Personal

Choice and Control What Are The External

Motivators?

Crucial Conversations Client is always right

Agree with clients goal, its about choice

Use client’s language

Develop Compliments to support change

Case Examples

I want to know everything that is said in treatment

You are not responding to my child’s needs

You call yourself a case manager?

You can’t talk to me?

BBC- Bars- Boardrooms and Court

Bar InterventionSubstance Abuse- Alcohol & Other Drugs

Mental Health

Breast Cancer Survivor

Intergenerational Issues

Relational Attachment Issues

In The Law Office………….

Alice - 42 Alcohol Dependant Divorce Falls Asleep on Desk Empty Bottles in Trash Can Work Complaints Security Complaints Partner-Super Lawyer

In the Courtroom……

Mother of Defendant –Psychic

Defendant- Drug Charges SA and MH issues

Case Example: “Phil”

King Baby I am very

important and only can talk with the CEO at least 3 times a day at my loved one

Queen Baby The problem is you, your treatment

center does not understand our daughter. She is unique

My daughter must talk to me at least once a day

My daughter demand s a special diet My daughter wants her phone What you need to know about my

daughter is … You’re my lawyer – I hired you! Oh no you don’t! That’s not the

outcome I like!

Family’s After Treatment –Heroic Operate from a Place of Love Shift Responsibility from bailing

out to responsible choice Attunement Individualization Healthy Boundaries-enforce

consequences Own Recovery Talking care of themselves Good physical health Emotionally sound Acting from ones values

Heroic Counselors Help Create Heroic Families

Stanger Books

Resources The Daring Way- Raising Strong -Brene’ Brown Crucial Conversations – Patterson etal The Parallel Processes- Kathy Prozatek LICSW The Journey of The Heroic Parent –Brad M Reedy PHD If You Meet The Buddha On The Road-Kill Him- Sheldon Kopp Motivational Interviewing- Miller and Rollnick http://www.motivationalinterviewing.org Solution Focused Therapy- Young and Berg Dr Louise Stanger http://www.allaboutinterventions.com