PARENTING INPARENTING INTODAY’S WORLDTODAY’S WORLD

Dr. Maggie MamenDr. Maggie MamenPsychologist, Mom and NanaPsychologist, Mom and Nana

WARNING!

This presentation may contain politically incorrect subject matter,

relatively coarse language, and common sense …

Viewer discretion is advised.

“Children these days are tyrants. They contradict their

parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”

Socrates, 400 BC

CHILDREN OFCHILDREN OFVICTORIAN PARENTSVICTORIAN PARENTS

POST-WAR BOOMERSPOST-WAR BOOMERS

GENERATION “X”GENERATION “X”

SO WHAT HASN’T CHANGED?SO WHAT HASN’T CHANGED?

BASIC REQUIREMENTS FOR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL

HEALTH

Sleep Good nutrition Exercise/fresh air Spirituality/morality Positive

relationships Safety and security

“I KNOW, BUT …”

she doesn’t want to …

he doesn’t like …

I can’t get him away from the TV, video games, computer, MSN, phone …

I read this book that said you should never say ‘no’ to children, it damages their self-esteem …

I can’t stop him …

they won’t listen to me …

I can’t make her …

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO UNDERMINE PARENTS

AND OVERLY EMPOWER CHILDREN?

Children’s rightsChildren’s rights

LegislationLegislation

The legacy of abuseThe legacy of abuse

““Experts”Experts”

DiagnosisDiagnosis

Focus on self-esteemFocus on self-esteem

The “nag factor”The “nag factor”

The “mythical family”The “mythical family”

THE “PAMPERED THE “PAMPERED GENERATION”GENERATION”

Sense of entitlementSense of entitlement

Think they’re “management”Think they’re “management”

Low tolerance for boredomLow tolerance for boredom

Suspicious/dismissive of adults/authoritySuspicious/dismissive of adults/authority

Child-driven, powerless parentsChild-driven, powerless parents

Increased incidence of mental health Increased incidence of mental health problemsproblems

THREE RULES THREE RULES OF THUMBOF THUMB

BE THE ADULTBE THE ADULT

- take responsibility, be - take responsibility, be accountable - accountable -

- work as a “management team” -- work as a “management team” -- know your values, have a plan - - know your values, have a plan -

- leader, not servant -- leader, not servant -- exercise your authority! -- exercise your authority! -

COMMUNICATE CLEARLYCOMMUNICATE CLEARLY

rule, advice, negotiable, non-rule, advice, negotiable, non-negotiable?negotiable?

choice/no choice?choice/no choice?listen, acknowledge, validate, listen, acknowledge, validate,

decidedecideseparate feelings/behaviourseparate feelings/behaviour

TEACH, DON’T ‘PUNISH’TEACH, DON’T ‘PUNISH’

- positive ‘job description’ -- positive ‘job description’ -- reinforce small steps -- reinforce small steps -

- - capitalize on teachable - capitalize on teachable moments -moments -

- provide informed choices -- provide informed choices -- actions, not just words -- actions, not just words -

SOME WORDING CHANGESSOME WORDING CHANGES

- from “- from “have tohave to” to “” to “choose tochoose to””

- from “- from “if you don’t ..., you won’t …”if you don’t ..., you won’t …”

to “to “when you have …, then you may…”when you have …, then you may…”

- from “- from “whowho …?” to “ …?” to “whoeverwhoever …” …” - From

- from “- from “butbut …” to “ …” to “soso …” …”

PROVIDE A BALANCEBELIEF: “My child should always be happy and

feel good about himself”

LESSON: “No pain, no gain”

BELIEF: “My child should never be bored” “My child should always have fun”

LESSON: “Out of boredom comes creativity”

BELIEF: “My child has the right to express her feelings”

LESSON: “Sometimes children should be seen and not heard”

BALANCE …

BELIEF: “My child should be consulted and be able to vote on all family decisions”

LESSON: “Life is not a democracy”

BELIEF: “My child has to be given a choice”LESSON: “Some things are non-negotiable”

BELIEF: “My child has to be given a reason”LESSON: “The word ‘no’ is a complete

sentence”LESSON: “Because I said so” is sometimes

a good enough reason

BALANCE …

BELIEF: “But I can’t make her!”LESSON: “Just watch me!”

AND WHEN THEY SAY:“Everyone else’s parents let

them”“You are the worst parent ever”“I am hard-done-by”“But I don’t WANT to …”“It’s not fair!”

LESSON: ...

“Suck it up!”