Post on 04-Jun-2018
8/13/2019 Granger Love and Logic Presentation April
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Presented by- Aimee Goodson HerbertCounselor
Kay Granger Elementary
Love and Logic
Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.
www.loveandlogic.com
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There will never be enoughrewards or consequences to
get tough kids to want tobehave and learn if we arenot first developing
relationships.
-Charles Fay
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Philosophy of Love and Logic
Choice and freedom to make mistakes.
Adult demonstrates empathy and
compassion.
Child takes responsibility of his/heractions.
Child learns from the consequences ofhis/her mistake.
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Be involved in your kids education.
(We want you to hover them andpunish them for bad grades.)
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We would like you to provide a
warm, loving, supportive home foryour child to go home to. Onewhere they have feel a sense ofpurpose and belonging through
jobs, roles, and responsibilities theyfulfill in the family.
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Helicopter
As child sends the SOS flare,helicopter parents are ready andhovering nearby to swoop in and
shield them from teachers,playmates, and peers.
Message sent-
You cant help yourself. I have todo it for you.
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UNEQUIPPED for life
Learning opportunities STOLE fromthem.
In order to grow children must learnfrom their mistakes
The REAL WORLD does not run on
the bail-out principal.
Why is this not good?
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Drill Sergeant
Commands
Message Sent-
You cant think. I have to
think for you.
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Why is this not good?
Children:
Become DEPENDENT on theirparents for the answers
Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily
because they are used tobeing told what to do
Do not learn how to make decisions-opportunity to make mistakes and seenatural consequences arise is robbed fromthem.
Become followers as they have been taught
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Decide that childrenshould raise themselves
Believe that they should be
their childs friend Feel guilty and allow them to run
free
Laissez-faire parents:
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Consultant
Shares alternatives
Message sent-
You are capable and can
make wise decisions.You are responsible.
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Consultant
Modeling
Focus is relationship instead
of task achievement
Ask questions
Stay Calm
Choices and natural
consequences.
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Love and Logic
Love allows kids to grow throughtheir mistakes.
Logic allows them to live withthe consequences of their
choices.
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Responsibility cannot betaught, it must be
caught.
- Jim and Charles Fay
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I am sure you will
remember on your own,but if you dont, youllsure learn from theexperience.
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Misbehaving
Results from the child taking theonly choice available to them in
order to gain some control.
Can lead to power struggles.
Can be eliminated or maintainedthrough choices.
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Misbehavior Cycle
Adult shows
Anger orfrustration
Misbehavior
Child feels
lowself-concept
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5 Questions: Is Love and Logic
for you?
1. Think of all the things you havetried in the past.
2. Think of all the things the teachers
have tried in the past.3. Are any of these showing long-
term results?
4. Can you think of anything elsethat makes sense that we couldtry?
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If everything else that
makes sense has alreadybeen tried, maybe itstime to try something that
doesnt appear to makesense.
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Show Empathy-You must feelsad.
Send Power Message-What will
you do about it? Offer Choices-Would you like to
hear what your sister tried?
Have child State Consequences-How will that work?
Allow child to Solve the Problem
Guide Child to Solve the Problem
5 Steps
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Power Struggle?
Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead!
You dont love me anymore I love you too much to argue
It is not fair Maybe so
You love her more than me Mmmm
You dont care
I know
Dad wouldnt do that
Maybe so
I am going to run away!
I will love you wherever you live.
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Empathy Adults must demonstrate a sincere and
empathetic response to childs misbehavior.
One-liners: This must really hurt.
This is so sad. That is really hard
I am sorry you feel that way.
I feel bad for you.
Bummer It must be hard to feel so frustrated.
I will love you wherever you live.
I love you too much to argue.
I argue between 5-5:30 am.
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Let empathy and consequences
do the teaching
NOT sarcastic or condescending
Keep it short, sweet and repetitive.
Express your empathy beforeyour anger or a consequence
Delaying your consequencegives you time to think
Use less words.lectures dont work
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Power Messages
What are you going to do about it?
Have you come up with anything so
far? I am here to help. Just let me know
what you decide to do about it.
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hoicesGive choices:
If child does not choose, be prepared to chooseyourself
Be sure to pick choices you can live with Allow the child to live with the consequences
Children must control the problem. If they dont,
you could:
Steal kids opportunities to learn
Become overwhelmed with raising kids
Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex: dinnertime
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Ownership of the ProblemWhos problem is it?
Am I upset because hes upset?
What happens to me personally? Am I twisting the problem to make it
mine?
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What is going to happen to me ifthat problem doesnt get solved?
If your answer is nothing, then it isthe childs problem.
Allowing children to own the problemallows for them to find ways to
solve their problem.
How to determine when
it is not our problem
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In todays world, we dontwant our kids to feelstruggle. Why? ALLOW kidsto struggle. Dont steal thatgift. Help them cope withchallenges where they have
to learn. -Charles Fay
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Choices- Phrasing
Would you rather ______or______?
What would be best for you:
______or______?
Feel free to________ or ________.
You can either ______or_______.
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Opportunity for Thinking and
Decision-Making
Fighting Words
Get to work now!
Thinking Words
Feel free to go out as soon as
you have cleaned your room.
OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES
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Lectures dont work;kids dont learn through
lectures.
-Charles Fay
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We would rather they
THINK than FIGHT.
-Jim and Charles Fay
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Garbage: Training you to ignoremy words through nagging andlectures. Fighting invites
disobedience.
Gold: Teaching to you listen to my
words. Get them THINKING! Describe what you are going to do or
allow instead of telling THEM what todo.
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Garbage: YOU WILL
Gold: I WILLThis is how I am going to do
things. You might want topay attention.
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Times can be real tough
and you have theopportunity to learn fromthem. If anyone can copewith them, I bet you can.
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Kids learn better from whatthey tell THEMSELVES.
-Jim and Charles Fay
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You are not going to talk to methat way!
I will be glad to discuss this withyou as soon as the arguing stops.
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Would you rather carry your coator wear it?
If I have told you once, I have toldyou a thousand times! Get that coat
on!
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Told you not to spend all yourmoney on toys that just break!
Ooooh, you are out of money?Dont worry, allowances come onSaturday.
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Get your clothes on
Time to get your clothes on!
How many times do I have
to tell you to get your clothes
on! We are going to be late!
Feel free to put your clothes on in theprivacy of your room or in the car on theway to school.
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Would you rather play nicely in theliving room or noisy in your room?
SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you willgo to your room! Adam is about tosing!
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You can either wash your clothesor spend your allowance to have thecleaners do it.
I am NOT picking your clothes.
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Dinner is served until 7pm.
Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get inhere.
Feel free to enjoy your next meal
with the family as soon as the yard ismowed.
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Dont you dare raise your voice atme.
I will listen to your voice when it iscalm like mine.
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Charles Fay believes that the fastestway to put a teenager in danger isto let them drive for free.
Hope you can drive one day. In thisfamily, the only people who can afford
it get to drive.
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Follow Through
Now, you have to keep your word.
It might be difficult.
Do NOT show your disappointmentor anger at their poor decision-making.
Remember, the consequence should
speak for itself.
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ream World
Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure
now that I know you mean what yousay. I appreciate your loving me
enough to set limits.
t C d
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Let Consequences andEmpathy do the Teaching
Consequences allow: Child to be involved in the decision
Child to hurt from the inside out
Child to develop a new plan ofreacting
Parent to be friendly and helpful
Child to see adult modeling problem-
solving techniques Child to learn about real world
consequences
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Kids need to thinkHARDER about their
problems than the adultsaround them.
-Charles Fay
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Punishment vs. Consequence
Punishments allow:
Adult to make decision
Child is hurt from the outside in
Child to pay for his past deed
Adult to display anger
Child to feel the imposition of power
Child to learn about the imposition ofpower
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Child Chooses Consequence
What are you going to do about
it?
How do you plan to solve the
problem?
Th T hi V l f
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The Teaching Value of a
Consequence
You will destroy the teaching value ifyou:
Say, This will teach you a lesson.
Display anger
Explain the value of theconsequence
Threaten
Talk too much
Give in!
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Delayed Consequence
When you are too angry or frustrated to useempathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE!
Delayed consequences:
Child has to do more thinking about it than we do.Child owns the problem.
We have time to think about an appropriateconsequence that is reasonable.
There is less chance of blowing up and making athreat that you cant back up.
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Im not sure what Im going to do. Ill let you
know after dinner.
This is so sad. I am going to have to do
something about this. But not now, later.
Try not to worry about it.
I am too angry right now. I make better
decisions when I am calm.
Delayed Consequence
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If a child causes aproblems, it should be NO
problem for the adult; buta BIG problem for thechild.
-Charles Fay
TRAINING SESSIONS
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Give the child a task he can handle
Hope the child blows it
Let equal parts of empathy andconsequence do the teaching
Give the same task again
TRAINING SESSIONS
for building responsibility
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STEP 1
Give the child a task he can handle
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2. Hope the child blows it?
Teaches a real world lesson
Helps children find new solutions
Gives children an opportunityto fail in a safe environment
3 L h d
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Be empathetic before you share the bad news
Empathy builds relationships
Children must learn that mistakes hurt them -
When the adult gets angry the message getslost
Children need to attend to how to make betterchoices, not to their parents anger
Consequences allow the child to own theproblem
3. Let empathy and consequences
do the talking . . .
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4. Have them do the same task again
Children learn from their mistakes
Communicates to childrenthat you trust them
Says, You are capable
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Let them fail . . .
Gives them a chance to learn
Helps them to understand thatevery action has a consequence,
both good and bad Learns the lesson of decision
making early so that harderdecisions are easier later
Learns the skills of decision makingand problem solving
Learning at a time when it
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Learning at a time when it
is an affordable price
Little kids.little problems
Big kids.bigger problems
M h t h t
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Consistency is key
If you dont followthrough your child
takes on the lotterymentality
If it is new, your childwill test you
Mean what you say, say what you
mean
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Sameness= LOVE
The message you aresending:
I love you enough to createa same and predictable
environment.-Charles Fay
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The primary focus of parentingwith Love and Logic is todramatically increase the oddsthat kids will make good andhealthy decisions when NO ONEis making them do it.
-Charles Fay
Primary focus of Love and Logic
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Assignment
Think of a commonargument that you getinto with your child
Write down how youusually handle this
Write down your childsresponse
Think of a new natural
consequence that youcan try
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Love and Logic Resources
Conferences
Workshops
Books
Videos
www.loveandlogic.com
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Teaching Children Responsibility Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for
the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Yourchildren will win because theyll learn to solve their own problemswhile gaining the confidence they need to meet lifes challenges.And youll win because youll establish healthy controlwithout
resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting powerstruggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back intoparenting!
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Unless youve got the finances to set your kids up with a lifetimetrust fund, theyre going to end up spending most of their adultlives working. Wouldnt it be a great gift if your children grew upto enjoy workrather than dread it? Bosses are desperate foremployees who understand:
The importance of personal responsibility How to remain positive when the going gets tough That success comes from hard work and
determinationrather than handouts
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DVDs
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Books
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Prizes!
One-liner
Favorite heart quote or Ah-hamoment
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This book is filled with excellent short stories that provide you with easy touse techniques that can be put to use immediately. Covering all age rangesfor Parents and Educators.
Techniques for: Avoiding Power Struggles Homework Eliminate Sibling Rivalry
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Thank You