Tough Conversations:What to Say and How to Say it

Lory A. FischlerLeadership Development Services, LL

Phoenix, AZ

What’s Your Biggest Challenge?

Giving constructive feedback?

Dealing with difficult people?

Speaking up when you are angry or hurt?

Or……?

An important issue that is getting in the way. A problem that has persisted. A conversation you have in your head, or

with others than with the right person. An issue that you communicate through

body language and tone, rather than through conversation.

An incident that keeps surfacing in your thoughts.

What is a ‘Tough Conversation?’

Think and Write.

What is the Tough Conversation you want to work on today?

Session Outcomes

Learn how to… Prepare for a tough conversation Address issues in a climate of

respect Avoid pushing “buttons” Manage conflict effectively Come to resolution

Meet Karen and Ken

Getting Started: Prepare Yourself Before your tough conversation, ask yourself:

“What do I really want to achieve?”

Is this about me being right?

Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong?

Am I looking for an apology?

Check in with Yourself

“Begin with the end in mind.” -Stephen Covey

Where do you want both of you to be at the end of your conversation?

Think and Write

Why do I want to hold this conversation? What do I really hope to achieve?

Check in: Is this about me being right? Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong? Am I looking for an apology?

Where do I want both of us to be at the end?

Understand Your Triggers What pushes your buttons?

The other person’s style? The substance/issue? The feelings it generated in you about

yourself?

75% of People Are Different Than You

Think differently Decide differently Use time differently Work at a different pace Communicate differently Handle emotions differently Manage stress differently Deal with conflicting opinions

differently

AnalyticalAnalyzing

DriverAchieving

Being rightValue good thinking

Focus on process, dataLogical

Being the best Value action and decisions

Focus on end resultPractical

AmiableContributing

ExpressiveInfluencing

Being kindValue feelings

Focus on appreciationSupportive

Being influentialValue being includedFocus on the future

Motivational

Style or Substance?

Think and Write• Which best represents your style?• Which best represents their style?• What got in the way?

AnalyticalAnalyzing/Being Right

DriverAchieving/Being the Best

AmiableContributing/Being

Appreciated

ExpressiveInfluencing/Being

Influential

What’s Behind Our Emotion?

Our Inner VoiceBeing competent

Being a good personBeing worthy

Being respected

Reflect

What feelings did this issue tap into for you?

Being competent Being a good person Being worthy Being respected

We All Have a Story We are always the hero of our story

We think they are the problem. They think we are the problem.

Ask yourself….

“In what way might I also have contributed to this problem?”

Look for Mutual Contribution

Could I be part of the problem?

Think and Write

In what way might you have contributed to the problem?

• Start With Common Ground1• State Your Purpose for the Conversation2 • Keep it Respectful3• State Observations; Share Conclusions4• Listen to Their Story5• Work Through the Differences6• Come to Agreement7

Seven Steps for Tough Conversations

Step One: Start with Common Ground Talk about…

What you share together What you both stand to gain

Focus on what brings you together, not what is keeping you apart.

Start with “We…” “We both care about….” “We both want….” “I am concerned about… and I know you are too…”

Write a “Common Ground” opening to initiate your own critical conversation.

Hint: Start with “We both…”

Think and Write

Step Two: State Your Purpose

What is the real reason for this conversation? Avoid “easing in.” Get to the point. Tell them what you want as an outcome.

Both parties must feel respected and free to express opinion without repercussions

Don’t push their buttons Don’t accuse Don’t attack Don’t blame Don’t defend

Don’t let them push your buttons.

Step Three: Keep It Respectful

Call attention to their tone, words, body language in a calm, assertive way

Restate your common ground purpose (“We both care …”)

Tell them how their behavior is keeping you both from getting what you want to achieve

When It Feels Disrespectful

AnalyticalAnalyzing/Being Right

DriverAchieving/Being the Best

Go slowerBe thoughtful

Use process, dataBe logical

Go faster Get to the point

Focus on the end resultBe practical

AmiableContributing/Being

Appreciated

ExpressiveInfluencing/Being Involved

Be kindDemonstrate feelings

Focus on their contributionBe supportive

Be upbeatAbout influence

Focus on the futureBe inclusive

Respond in Their Style

What behaviors best meet their needs? What can you do more of?

What can you do less of?

Reflect and Write

Observations: Facts Non-debatable

Conclusions: Our interpretation of an experience….. Which becomes our “truth”….. Which becomes our “story”

Step Four: State Observations; Share Conclusions

Observation or Conclusion?You come into

work late.You don’t respect your co-workers.

You made a commitment

that you didn’t keep.

You are unreliable.

When I was looking for

support, you didn’t speak up.

I can’t count on you.

We judge ourselves by our own good intention,

But…..

We judge others by their behavior.

What Gets in the Way

Not So Good:“You come in late on a regular basis. You clearly don’t care about your team.”

Better: “When you come in late on a regular basis, it makes me think you are not really committed to our team.”

Tell your “story” as a story, not as fact

Jot down your observations about your situation – the facts.

Next, jot down your conclusions – your assumptions .

Which have you been operating on?

Think and Write

Step Five: Listen to Their Story

Do You Really Listen? Or do you…

Fake attention? Multi-task during listening? Become easily distracted? Become emotional or argumentative? Judge speaker’s message or delivery? Tune out if dry or uninteresting? Listen just for facts? Interrupt to insert your point of view? Listen mainly to find your own opening? Run through a rebuttal in your head?

Check All That Apply to You

The Payoffs for Listening You learn what their real issues are You don’t waste time fixing the wrong

problem If you listen to them, they might listen to you Sometimes that’s all they really needed 90% of the time, it reduces their hostility You make them feel like you care It gives you time to think

On the table are both issues and feelings. Feelings trump logic Address the issues only after you

acknowledge emotions

Avoid behaviors that escalate emotions.

Step Six: Work Through the Differences

It’s Not Just What You Say

What We Do Level of InfluenceOur Words 7%

Tone of Voice 38%

Body Language 55%

Behaviors That Escalate Emotions

Not listening Defending Attacking Interrupting Denying Telling them what to do Telling them they are wrong

Turn Negatives to PositivesNEGATIVES POSITIVES

“You’re wrong!” “I see it differently”

“I disagree with you!”

“I have a different take on that.”

“That’s not true!” “Here’s another way to look at

that.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

“Let me offer another

perspective.”

Analyze the Issues Together What part of their position

Do you agree with? Can you agree with?

What part of your position can you get them to agree to?

5 Ways to Break Through Conflict

Strategy #1 Think and Talk Like a Mediator

Use a third party perspective.

Strategy #2 Explore and Ask

Try asking questions rather than demand and insist

Questions Get Answers; Statements Get Resistance

5 Ways to Break Through Conflict

Strategy #3Discuss options, not positions

Your position is where you have disagreement Options give you choices Options keep you at the table longer

5 Ways to Break Through Conflict

Strategy #4Ask for Their Help

Equals the playing field Let’s them be in the driver’s seat Taps into people’s desire to be helpful More likely to get them to act when you

tell them what you need Keeps you from telling them what to do

5 Ways to Break Through Conflict

Strategy #5Use a credible source to show support

Neutral, important, respected

5 Ways to Break Through Conflict

Summarize your agreements. Create an action plan for moving forward. Talk optimistically about your mutual future.

Step Seven: Come to Agreement

If You Get Stuck Acknowledge that you are stuck. Talk about what you have agreed to. Agree to return to the “stuck” area at

another time. Look “outside the box” for new

strategies that might reveal new options.

Ten Tips for Success1. Even if you have authority, speak as a peer.

Don’t let power get in the way. It’s a short term win.

2. Use “I” statements; Reserve “we” statements for creating common ground.

3. Make eye-contact at key times to gauge emotion.

4. Stick to the topic; Don’t add on other issues.

5. Continually check for mutual understanding.

Ten Tips for Success6. Make sure you both agree on the problem

before moving on to exploring solutions.

7. Balance your talking with listening. Ask a question. Listen. Don’t interrupt.

8. Ask for their reaction to key statements – especially if they go quiet.

9. Focus on alternative views rather than disagree.

10. Talk more about moving forward than looking back.

What people tell us

Good things happened when they…..

really listened set aside personal agenda shared personal history didn’t lecture or tell the other person what

to do came with the intention to improve the

relationship

What people tell us

The Outcome They learned something they didn’t

know They clarified a misunderstanding Their relationship improved They built trust

Questions

Insights

Jot down one new strategy, idea or insight that will help you with the challenges you face with tough conversations.