Review of two books: Fierce Conversations and Crucial Conversations. The notes and background on this presentation can be found http://blog.aafromaa.com/2008/12/conversations.html
Transcript of Conversations
Conversations Crucial Conversations Kerry Patterson, Joseph
Grenny, Ron McMillan, & Al Switzler Fierce Conversations Susan
Scott
Crucial Conversations
High stakes
High emotion
Opposing views
To meet goals
Does not mean we roll over
Fierce Conversations
Solving consistent, persistent problems by having one effective
conversation at a time.
Cut weeds at the stem or pull them up?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eag/2057821733/ Cut weeds at the stem
or pull them up?
Hang on because not having effective conversations can mean
Future conversations are more difficult
Costs increase
Problems manifest
Risks increase
Fierce
Goals for conversations
More funding alternatives
Better ideas
Better teamwork
Fewer mistakes
More solutions
Better relationships
Purposes of a confrontation Fierce
Interrogate reality
Provoke learning
Tackle tough issues
Enrich relationships
Conversations = Relationships Fierce Become violent or silent
Crucial
Good silencelet there be space. Fierce
Crucial Conversations
Get unstuck
Start with the heart
Learn to look
Make it safe
Crucial Conversations
Master my stories
State my path
Explore others path
Move to action
Fierce Conversations Master the courage to interrogate reality
Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it
real Be here, prepared to be nowhere else
Fierce Conversations Tackle your toughest challenge today Obey
your instincts Take responsibility for your emotional wake Let
silence do the heavy lifting
What am I acting like I want right now? Crucial What do I
really want?
If you knew what is it that you dont know? Fierce
What are you pretending not to know?
You have to get at ground truth before you can turn anything
around. Fierce
I take the high road is often an excuse for not tackling the
issue. Fierce Avoidance is type of silence. Crucial
Few, if any, forces in human affairs are as powerful as shared
vision. Find mutual purpose. Crucial
If you dont first change your heart, any efforts to change your
actions are likely to be insincere, shallow, & doomed to
failure. Crucial
While no single conversation is guaranteed to change a career,
company, or relationship. Any single conversation can. Fierce
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NOTES Slide 1: Review of how this session came about. In the
Leadership SIG meeting, we were discussing opportunities and needs
for professional development when someone mentioned a persistent,
consistent problem that she was having with an employee. I dont
remember what the problem was, but my thoughts were that the
problem was not going to be solved by one professional development
session. Rather the problem has deepened through time and that its
result was one that affected the productivity of the department.
The problem was not one that will be solved with an
easy-one-conversation fix. As Susan Scott says in Fierce
Conversations, You got herewherever here isone conversation at a
time. Allow the changes needed at home or at work to reveal
themselves one conversation at a time. This presentation is a
review of two books. Slide 2: Crucial conversations is a 10 step
process for engaging in conversations that are high stakes, high
emotion, and opposing views. The idea behind having crucial
conversations is that we should be able meet goals. Having needed
conversations does not mean that we roll over. In fact, one premise
of crucial conversation is that we look for higher goals higher
than your personal goals and higher than others personal goals
because compromise is not really acceptable. Neither party wins
with a compromise. Slide 3: Susan Scott encourages us to have
fierce conversations that are intense, powerful, passionate, and
authentic. Fierce does not mean cruel or threatening. Solving
consistent, persistent problems will take having one conversation
at a time. Slide 4: http://www.flickr.com/photos/eag/2057821733/
Cut weeds at the stem or pull them up? Slide 5:
http://flickr.com/photos/jdorner/2918706614/ All rights reserved
for this picture. Permission was granted to use it. Slide 6:
http://flickr.com/photos/tomoski/2688883653/ Slide 7:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_newman/153214300/ All rights
reserved Permission was granted to use picture. Reality
changesmarket, economies, strategies, our spouses , children, and
ourselves. Slide 8: . http://www.flickr.com/photos/427/2441516083/
As we drill down by interrogating changes, we learn. Mineral
rights. Dig deep in one place rather than digging shallow in lots
of places. Purpose is to tackle tough issues. If you are successful
at asking, learning, and tackling tough issues, then the
relationships will be betterAn example of labeling which is a form
of violence. Slide 9:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aafromaa/3090365881/in/set-72157608631840641/
Space between thoughts where less is more. The good silencethe
space between thoughts and in the conversation gives the
conversation time to breathe. Slide 10: Get unstuck: Identify where
you are stuck . Start with the heart: Work on me; what is it that I
really want. Learn to look: Learn to recognize when the
conversation has become crucial: violent or silent. The behavior of
you and who you are in dialogue with. Make it safe: step out of the
content--: make it safe for others to talk about anything. Create a
dialogue that shows and develops mutual respect and mutual purpose.
Slide 11:Master yourselves/ your story by understanding you are the
one in control of your emotionsnot anyone else. Separate facts from
stories. Watch when you or others justify behavior by telling
stories of being a victim, villain, or helpless. My favorite quote
in this section is Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent
person do this? Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others
paths, talk tentatively and encourage testing. Explore others
paths: Ask to get things rolling, mirror confirmed feelings,
paraphrase, and prime the person when the conversation has stopped.
Slide 12: Master the courage to interrogate reality: Question the
reality Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and
make it real: Become authentic Be here, prepared to be nowhere
else: In Fierce Conversations: be hereattentive, listen, learn
Slide 13: Tackle your toughest challenge today: Obey your
instincts: A careful conversation is a failed conversation. Take
responsibility for your emotional wake: An emotional wake is what
you remember after Im gone. What you feel, the aftermath, the
aftertaste, or the afterglow. Learn to deliver the message without
the load. Let silence do the heavy lifting: Silence makes us
nervous. So do innovation, change, and genius. Silence can provoke
learning, thoughts. Slide 14:
http://flickr.com/photos/kronick/400460349/ Slide 15:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aafromaa/3101924001/ Slide 16:
http://flickr.com/photos/jerobins/95270699/ Slide 17:
http://flickr.com/photos/unsureshot/2322059377/ Slide 18:
http://flickr.com/photos/alltheaces/770030423/ Slide 19:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/movetheclouds/154199197/ We judge
others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.
Slide 20: http://www.flickr.com/photos/netzkobold/2574314976/