Post on 18-Mar-2022
A Full-Length Comedy
I~I••II.Ii I~e I~;ll;llil it\~
BY GARY PETERSON AND DAVID BYRNE
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY
.............J' J'" " v. tI'••••tI'••••J'. © The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
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~MCMLXXVIll by GARY PETERSON and DAVID BYRNE
Printed in the United States of America All Rights Reserved
(KLONDIKE KALAMITY)
ISBN 0-87129-572-5
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
KLONDIKE KALAMITY
A FuJI-Length Melodrama For Six Men and Three Women
plus a Be~r*
CHARACTERS
NELL OUDT a sweet and innocent girl
WARREN OUDT her father
ROGER B. UPRIGHT a midnight visitor
FARLEY GOODBODY a stranger in disguise
VI LLAIN (FANGDUSTER T. BARRELBOTTOM, VIII a nasty character
CHIEF WAPAKONETTA a determined Eskimo
GWENDOLYN OUDT a face fro m the past
PRINCE K'NOOK an educated man
JUS-riCE DUNN an iti nerant judge
BRUNO a bear
PLACE: Somewhere in the Yukon Territory
TI ME : December, 1888
*Bruno, the bear, is seen only as a furry arm coming through an open window. No lines.
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© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
CHART OF STAGE POSITIONS
FOOTL.GtI .... S
STAGE POSITIONS
Upstage means away from the footlights, downstage means toward the footlights, and right and left are used with reference to the actor as he faces the audience. R means right, L means left, U means up, D means down, C means center, and these abbreviations are used in combination, as: DR for up right, R C for right center, D Lefor douJn left center, etc. A territory designated on the stage refers to a general area, rather than to a given point.
NOTE: Before starting rehearsals, chalk off your stage or rehearsal space as indicated above in the Chart of Stage Positions. Then teach your actors the meanings and positions of these fundamental terms of stage movement by havin[ them walk from one position to another until they are familiar with them. The use of these abbreviated terms in directing the play saves time, speeds up rehear sals, and reduces the amount of explanation the director has to give to his actors.
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© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
ACT ONE
SCENE: Yukon Territory, 1888. The small and hurrtble cabin of Warren Dudt, a poor free-lance lumberjack. Upstage along the wall L is an old wooden table topped by an upturned bench, both of which are stored there when not in use for dining. Next to them stands a small kitchen stove. At DL, is a compact little cot. Along the wall R can be seen a si mple chest, DR and beyond it, the front door. In the corner UR leans a spind Iy coatrack with one well-worn shawl hanging from it. Along the back wall, URC, there is a simple fireplace, and the faded daguerreotypes of various members of the Dudt family which rest on the mantelpiece giving a cozy touch to this isolated, but tidy I little outpost. Above the mantelpiece, an aging Confederate flag is proudly displayed; also a mounted shotgun. ULC, along the back wall between the fireplace and the table, is a curtained window which opens outward. 'n front of the fireplace an inconspicuous air bellows, a small stool and a bearskin rug round out the picture.
AT RISE OF CURTAIN: A terrible snowstorm can be heard 'raging outsid'e the ·cabio as NELLI E OUDT stokes UR a tiny blaze in the fireplace. The wind howls even louder, and sh~ worriedly crosses to the window to look through the curtain. The entire cabin is buffeted by a violent gust; she hurries back to the fireplace. Casting a troubled glance at her father's portrait, she steps C to address audience:
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Page 6 KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act I
NELL. Oh, how the merciless furies of nature tear at this humble abode! Would that the dying embers of this tiny fire could
warm more than body alone, for I am frozen to the marrow with anxiety of the tardiness of my beloved father. (She takes his photograph from the mantelpiece.) It was on a night such as this in early April that dear Papa ventured out
boldly into the frozen waste in search of a friendly mining camp whence he could obtain his annual pack of cigarettes and newspaper. To think, at this very instant, he may be struggling somewhere, alone, helpless, lost in the clutches
of this relentless blizzard I Listen how the wi nd wai Is' (Offstage voices: IWaill") Alas, since his departure my
tender heart weeps with loneliness, and the dim hope of
companionship seems but hapless self-deception. Indeed,
not one single solitary soul has entered into my miserable
existence ... (Outside window, three steady, we II-paced
knocks are heard.) ... except Bruno. Truly, were it not
for Bruno1s daily visits my solitude would surely lead to
madness. His reassuring voice beckons me along roads of hope and happiness I (A low grow I is heard.) Hark ~ Even now he callsl (The window swings open. As NELL runs to it, a huge bear arm comes groping in.) Dearest friend, the hours between your visits are unbearable' (Takes
bear's arm.) Is there anything I can do for you today? (A growl of hunger.) Oh, he is weak with hunger' Would you like to share my meager fare of flapjacks again? (A
growl of affirmation.) Alas, these mere dozen are the last I can procure, as now the stock are deplete. (She takes a panful of flapjacks from the stove and places them with in
Bruno's grasp.) Nevertheless, as always, we sha II share.
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Act I KLONDIKE KALAMITY Page 7
(As she daintily lifts a coin-sized flapjack from the batch, Bruno swipes the entire panful.) Even though I cannot foresee whence tomorrow's meal comes, we shall proceed with our custom of eating together, praying all the while for some
miracle to descend on us from above. (A growl of sympathy as a clean tray with a bear-sized bite out of it is returned.)
Oh, Bruno, you are a good and trusty friend, but how I wish
you could speak the King's English! (A growl of great sadness.) If only there were someone, anyone, who could talk
back to me! But, reluctantly, I subm it myself to the cruel design of fate; there is not one single solitary soul within
miles to enter into my miserable existence ... (Outside the
door R, three steady, well-paced knocks are heard.) WARREN (outside R). Nelliel Nellie girl! Open the door, child.
I can't seem to get my keys out! NELL. 'Tis my father! He must not see us together; he would
never understand. Fly, quicklyl (Bruno's arm goes out as
NELL closes window.) Coming, Father I (She hurriedly
adjusts her hair and dress, then opens door.) Oh, Father, you're hamel
(WARREN enters, accompanied by a whistling wind and a thrown bucketful of IJsnow." It covers the shawl and hat he wears and the bags 9f groceries he is loaded down with.)
WAR REN. Thundering Tundra I It's so cold out there I had to put anti ~freeze in my canteen' Br-r-r, I've seen some angry northers in my day, but th is!
NELL (turning to him after hanging his shawl on the coatrack). Oh, Father, you are frostbit! (She looks in the bags.) Food'
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Page 8 KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act I
(Moving to embrace him.) Oh, Father! WARREN (pulling away). If you value your ruby red lips, dearest
child, do not kiss this walking iciclel NELL. Then come, warm your toes by our small fire. WARREN. Toes I I had to chop them off to use as earplugs when
I crossed the timber line!
NELL (hand to forehead). Oh, despairl
WARREN. All is not lost, my dear, I have retrieved a newspaper.
NE LL. And what of the cigarettes? WARREN (wistfully). Oh ... I lost them.
NELL. Then we must make do with what we have, Father. Pray, what provisions did you bring to help us through this heart
less winter?
WAR REN. Well, dear heart, knowing your partiality to flapjacks,
I bought two bags of flour and some eggs ... a few necessities. .. (The IInecess ities" might include Frosted Flakes,
Cool-Whip, Snowy Bleach, Kool-Aid, Ivory Snow, all of which he upends from the bags near stove among varioussized ice cubes. A newspaper also is among the Hgroceries.")
NELL. Oh, I could sing with joy! WAR REN. Donlt chirp yet, dearest. When this meager ration is
gone, only Providence can tell from whence will come our next meal. Whilst going through my tattered trousers in the mining camp, I found that our paltry savings had dwindled to nothingness. Oh, angstl What are we then to do?
NELL (near tears, yet optimistic). Oh, Father, do not torment
yourself' You are yet a dilig'ent lumberjack; surely you will find a wayl
WARREN. In a blizzard like this I can It even find the trees' NELL. Then sit and warm your weary bones. Somehow we shall
weather this crisis.
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Act I KLONDIKE KALAMITY Page 9
WARREN (sitting on the stool in front of fireplace; fondly). Your innocent faith shines like the northern star, my precious. You are indeed the light of my life.
NELL. I shall hear no more of sadness and grief. (Hands WARREN the newspaper.) Enjoy your newspaper whilst I light the stove, for our tummies sha II sing with flapjacks this night. (A growl denoting eavesdropping is heard outside.) Oh, Bruno! (Window opens, bear arm romes in.) Be patient, dear friend, they will not be long in coming.
WARREN (looking up from newspaper, doing double-take to window). Muckraking mongooses' Where's my hunting knife? (He jumps up.)
NELL. Run, Bruno! (Closes window on BrunoJs arm; he roars. She opens window and bear arm goes out.) Run for dear life) (She runs to WARREN.) Papa, pleasel Do not harm my dearest friend and constant companion'
WAR REN (aghast, to audience). Walloping walruses! live been away too long I
NELL (at window). He is safely away_ Oh, beat again, my fragile heart r
WARREN. Nellie ... Nellie. I should have known these endless nights would surely take their toll on you.
NELL (go in 9 t~ him). Father dear, Bruno asked on Iy my fla pjacks in return for his friendly visits. He was a good and true guardian always. You must believe me ...
WARREN (sitting with her near fireplace). Perhaps. (Sadly.) But I am heavy with dismay. Surely it is my fault you haven 't had the benefit of a friendly human voice or the guidance of a hand that wasn't covered with fur. (Slowly removes hat.) If only your dear mother were here to help.
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Page 10 KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act r
NELL. Oh, Father. Pray do not burden yourself with the terrible memory of her disappearance.
WARREN. No, the nightmare of it will not return her to me, so for your sake, Nell, I shall not be reminded of it. (His voice rises.) I shall not be reminded of that cursed day fifteen years ago when she and your elder sister Gwenda Iyn di sappeared mysteriously while ice-fishing on the frozen Poppycock pond
... Gwendolyn was but a toddling tot at the time ... NELL. I know, Father, , know ... (Snapping out of it.) Let us
be haunted by the dim tragedy no longer. WARREN. Dim, perhaps to you, Nellie dear, but a heartbreaking
calamity for me to this day. (Breaking down.) Oh, hope
lessnessl
NELL. Father, please ... (An inspiration.) Read me from the paper, Father, as you did when I was small. (Aside to audience.) Perhaps I can replace his bitter memory with a
pleasant one. (To WAR REN again.) Oh , the wonderful stories you would entice me with, till I drifted sweetly off to sleep on this very spot, with visions of romantic Mounties and fair maidens dancing in my head. Please, Father, read again to me.
WARREN (after a huge sniffle). Very well, Nellie-pie. Let's see what we have here ... Ahemt (He reads:) IIStumpy Goober
lost five teeth last week in a drunken brawl over the favors of a soiled dove in Nome. When questioned, Stumpy explained ... II (Grows wide-eyed.)
NE LL (innocence personified). What did Mr. Stumpy say I Father? WARREN. Never mindl ... (Talking to himself as he riffles to
another page.) There/s no place like Nome. . .. Hmmm,
says we can expect a mild winter. (Wind wails.) Of course, this news is a few months old by now.
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Act I KLONDI KE KALAMITY Page 11
NELL. Is there nothing then, Father, of our noble Royal Canadian Mounted Police, defenders of the weak, and builders of civilization?
WARREN. By gum, there is a big story here of a certain Mountie.
NELL (enraptured). Do they want to award him for assisting some
sorry soul in a snowbound settlement?
WARREN. No ... they want to capture him for burning down a village!
NELL (horrified). A Mountie? Is it possible?
WARREN. An Indian village. Says here he's eluded capture so
far, but that when they find him he'll be dismounted without
delay and chastised severely.
NELL. A dismounted Mountie. Oh, the shame of itl WARREN. There's a rotten raccoon in every pack! All I can say
is if that turncoat remains at large he'd do well to give our
humble cabin a wide berth. A friendly Indian village' Whimpering whales! How could he disgrace his honored uniform in so dastard Iy a fashion?
NELL (worried). I cannot sleep tonight, Father, knowing such a villain ison the loose.
WARREN. There now, Nellie. The news is so old they may well have captured him already. Fear not, child. On a furious night such as this - - (Wind howls even louder.) - - there surely canJ:lot be one single solitary soul within miles of this place. (Knock, knock, knock on the door. Both freeze.)
NELL (innocently). Who do you suppose that could be? WAR REN (just as innocently). I donlt know. (Calls.) Who is it?
(There is no answer. WARREN, with NELL close behind,
inches toward door and opens it. Followed by a blast of .
wind and a bucketful of snow, ROGER B. UPRlGHT stands weakly in the doorway I dressed in beggarly cloth ing.
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Page 12 KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act I
He carries a small bag.) Well, stranger, what maya poor free-lance lumberjack and his lovely daughter do for you? (ROGER falls into WARREN's arms.)
NELL. Who could this frozen wayfarer of the wild north be? WARREN (dragging ROGER to fireplace). I know not, child I
Let us guide him to our fire; mayhap thence he will be restored to his norma I vigor.
NELL (kneeling with ROGER's head in her lap). I wonder what could bring such a handsome young man this far from civilization? Surely this noble gentleman could not be one of the many wandering rogues and ruffians who have been known to frequent this forgotten territory, fleeing from the hands of justice. I can see his pure heart in his eyes.
WARREN. They look glazed to me. (Aside.) Can my inexperienced daughter be blinded by this young man's good looks?
NELL. Surely you are not looking with the same light I am. (Aside.) Much as I should suspect this stranger, I feel, for the first time in my young and innocent life, an irrational trust in him. This man could harm no one. (To WARREN.) Father, look I There is a name on his carrying bag!
WAR REN (interested). What does it say? NELL (reading). Upright, Roger B. WARREN (a light dawning). What was that name? NELL. Roger B. Upright. WARREN (frantically to himself). WhereJs that periodical?
(Scans newspaper; equates visually to ROGER.) Blue eyes ... red cheeks ... lantern jaw ... tousled hair . .. Bed ~
ridden baby beavers' This is the bounder who burned that Indian billage ... uh, villager
NELL. What is it, Father? What IS wrong? WARREN (aside). I cannot let her trusting heart know. (To
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Act I KLONDIKE KALAMITY Page 13
NELL.) Oh, nothing. NELL. Something in the paper? Let me seel WARREN (keeping it away). Er , I"think this fire needs more fuel
if it is to revive our frozen guest. (Tosses ne\tvspaper in fire.) NELL (as ROGERJs inert form shivers). Look, Father, he thaws!
There must be something I can do to assist his recovery. Perhaps, in some miraculous way, the warmth of my tender young heart will defrost this tundra traveler. (Holds ROGER"s head even closer to her heart.)
WARREN (aside). Every bone in my work-worn body tells me to throw this turncoat of the territories out to the wolves. And yet ... I have never seen such a glow in my daughterls fair cheek as when she gazes upon him. Oh, decisions, decisions'
NELL (softly, to ROGER). Can you hear me? (Aside.) He is almost more handsome than I can bead
WARREN (aside). I simply cannot break her lonely heart with th~
painfu I truth about th is scalawag - - not yet, at least. It is enough that I know; but I shall remain ever on guard, lest he wend h is wi les on her innocence. Besides , hels better than Bruno by a long shot.
ROGER (softly). Have I died in the blizzard and gone to heaven? Are you possibly the Angel of Mercy I have dreamed of so sweetly sinGe childhood? Surely no mere mortal could be
blessed with such breathtaking beauty. NELL (aside). Could this mean he likes me as well? (To ROGER.)
Pray do not tax your strength, for your lips have taken aI
terrible chapping. ROGE R (aside). Her voice laughs with the music of a clear trick
ling stream. (To NELL.) My last memory is of battling the
relentless storm. How in the name of heaven did I arrive in such a desirable position?
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Page 14 KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act'
WARREN. You are safe in the humble cabin of I, Warren Dudt,
a poor but honest lumberjack, and proud son of the late
sovereign Confederacy. (Sa lutes flag.) ROGER (his eyes always on NELL). And you, then, are his ...
devoted wife? (Aside.) Oh, say it ain't sol
NELL. No, I am his loving but spinster daughter, Nellie Dudt. ROGE R (a pause). Well, I feel warmer already.... (Tries to
rise.)
.WARREN. Steady now, Mr. Upright ...
ROGER (thunderstruck; face to audience). How do you know my name? (Steps toward audience.) Is it possible they have
learned of the heinous crime - - a crime I've been falsely accused of? For until I can seek out in this trackless waste the true culprit and bring him to a long-awaited justice, I am myself a hunted fugitive, with only my conscience and
the north wind to attest to my innocence. (Wind howls accordingly.)
NELL. Why, it was here on your traveling bag. Here ... (Holds out bag to him.)
ROGER (aside). Then they are as yet unaware of my predicament. Oh, I can breathe again I (Looking at his name.) I see ... (Their faces almost meet; they gaze closely at each other.)
WARREN (aside). Moonshining muskratsl I can tolerate this charade no longer. Time to set this villain straight as to my knowledge of this nefarious deed. Still, I cannot upset young Nell. Somehow I must subtly engage her elsewhere whilst I have a private word with Upright. Er ... Nelliel Get over
on the far side of the room' NELL. Shall I prepare our guest some flapjacks, Father?
WARREN. Say, that's a fine ideal (To himself.) Oh, Warren,
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act I KLONDIKE KALAMITY Page 15
you are a crafty one!
NE L L. Surely you are in a desperate need of a warm serving ... Roger.
ROGE R. I appreciate not so much the mea I itself as I do the
hospitality of the one who prepares it ... Nell. NELL (aside). He is as poetic as he is handsome. (Turning to
stove.) Oh, joy in heaven!
ROGE R (aside). She is a vision on earth. (To himself.) Watch
out, my foolish heart'
WARREN. Rightthisway,Mr.Upright. (Leads him DR.) ROGER. Such a gallant old gentleman. (Safely away from NELL,
WARREN whirls on ROGER.)
WARREN (in an undertone). Now listen to me, you bedwetting
bag of soybeans~ I know all about your village-burn ing
hobby - - (ROGE R reacts in horror.) - - and rest assured my
eye is upon you till the moment you leave my home, which
may well be in the armed company of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police ...
ROGE R (hands to throat). Oh, frustration! Let me explain ...
WAR REN. There's nothing more to say~
NELL (from stove). Flapjacks coming up! And lumpy, Father,
just as you like them. ROGER. If you'd only let me ... (Quizzically.) You like
lumpy flapjacks?
WA R REN. Are you out of your mind? Of course I don't. Poor
dear, she tries, but she's just not the cook her - - (Hat off.)
- - mother was. '" Oh, Nell, this time take the eggs out
of their shells before you mix them, won't you, dear? (To
ROGER.) It is only because of my love for her that you are not this moment back in the clutches of the white fury
outside. (Wind howls louder.)
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Page 16 KLONDIKE KALAMITY Act 1
ROGER (aside). I am afire with fear for the possible answer to my
next question. (To WARREN.) Is Nell aware ... If nice
!\Iell knew ...
WARREN. No, no. Nothing. Nell need not ever know ... Oh,
my tongue~
ROGER. Thank heaven.
WAR REN. Your kindness to her has been your saving grace so
far. Provided your amorous advances are kept in check you
may stay, for I can never approve of a disgraced dismounted
Mountie as a suiter. (More gently.) But fear not. Though
I remain uncertain what to do about you, I am sure you are
safe from your captors for the time being. (Wind rises.) On
a terrible night such as this, there can1t pO,ssibly be one
single solitary soul within miles of this place. (Knock, knock, knock on door R.)
NELL. The "flapjacks will be ready soon I ROGER (worried). Who could that be? WARREN (with a glance toward the stove). I hope itls not Bruno.
(WARREN opens door warily. Wind and snow as FARLEY GOODw BODY takes a step in. The false wig and mustache she sports thinly disguises her true sex. All are fooled.)
FARLEY (huskily). Excuse me ... is this the Dudt house?
WARREN. It is.
FARLEY. Dh , relief~ May we enter this warm and desirable refuge,
kind sir?
NELL (coming from stove). Certainly, and we welcome you with
open arms. There are no strangers here, on Iy friends we
have not met.
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois