Remind her that sheisnt responsible for his behavior, and thatnothing she could do deserves a violentresponse.

9. Try to empathize with her whilemaintaining your objectivity. It wont helpat all if you become as emotional as she is.She needs a safe person to go to who wontfall apart or become uncontrollably enragedwhen she tells her story. She may be sooverwhelmed at the problems and decisionsfacing her that she talks a mile a minute andconstantly repeats the same things over andover. She needs you to help her stay focusedon a particular topic and one problem at atime until she is able to make rationaldecisions.

10. Be a good model; fulfill your ownneeds. You may need to take a day off fromdealing with your friends problems so yourown emotional energy is not depleted. Youmay also need a friend in which to confideabout your own feelings. Make sure thatyour occasional breaks dont permanentlydistance you from the one who needs you.

11. Let her know how you can and cannothelp. Be honest about what you are willingto do and what your limits are. Set healthyboundaries and communicate them clearly.When you are unable to help her yourself,help her find other options available in thecommunity.

12. Suggest ways of helping her whichdont have strings attachedyou dontexpect anything in return. Some peoplewill only offer help if she leaves the abuser.She needs to know that your help is simplybecause you care for her.

If you decide to become an anchor forsomeone who is in an abusive situation, youwill be giving someone a valuable giftthegift of compassion. But it wont be easy.Youll need all the endurance and patienceyou can get. Start by educating yourselfabout domestic violence so you canrecognize the signs of abuse, learn how todeal with the batterer, and understand thetangled web of confusion from which thebattered women is struggling to get free.

12 Principles For Being An Anchor In The Storm

In her book, To Be An AnchorIn The Storm, author SusanBrewster lists 12 principles which can beapplied when a battered woman sharesher story of abuse with you.

1. Believe her! Most women minimizethe extent of their abuse; very few lie orexaggerate the truth. It is very importantfor you to validate what she tells you asthe truth. It is not as important todetermine the precise facts of the abusewhen she first tells you her story as it isto assure her you believe her. Sometimesit is hard for the battered woman tobelieve what is happening to her, and sheneeds to know that someone else believesthat her perceptions and experiences arereal.

2. Take her abuse seriously! Listencarefully to what she tells you and dontminimize the seriousness of the situation.Her life is in danger if she is living withan abuser who continues to batter herphysically. She is also in danger if sheleaves him. Women who leave theirabusers are at 75% greater risk of beingkilled than those who stay. A womanwho is being physically battered shouldnever be advised to go back home to theabuser until it has been proven throughhis actions and by the advice of atherapist who has expertise in domesticviolence cases that he has truly changed.Returning too soon could be her deathsentence.

3. Remain neutral; dont take sides.Even if she says she hates him and neverwants to see him again, dont fall into thetrap of agreeing with her and talkingbadly about him. She may change hermind about him several times as sheremembers the good times and minimizesthe abuse. On the average, women leaveand return to their abusers up to seventimes before they leave for good. Youcan provide support by reminding her ofthe facts when she wavers, and being agood listener when she needs to talk.

4. Respect her decisions; dont judgeher. You dont have to agree with all of

her decisions, but you must respect herright to make them. It may be veryhard to watch her make the decision toreturn to the abuser, but focus on whatshe does well rather than what youdetermine to be her failures. After all,you arent walking in her shoes and youdont have all the facts about hersituation as she does.

5. Honor her feelings. Whether youfeel her feelings are right or wrong,simply acknowledge them as herfeelings. Give her the freedom toexpress them, and let her know that yousometimes have uncomfortablefeelings. Dont condemn her when shesays she hates the abuser. Ask herquestions to clarify how she feels, andrealize that she may detach from herfeelings in order to numb the pain andstay in the relationship.

6. Dont give advice! Dont preach toher or say, If it were me, I would . . .She has been controlled by her abuserand does not need for you to becomeanother person who judges and controlsher. She may have lost confidence inher ability to make good decisions, andmay ask you to tell her what to do.Instead of giving your advice, offerseveral options and ask her questions tohelp her make choices that will be bestfor her. In cases of life-and-deathsituations, intervention may benecessary that overrides this principle.

7. Control yourself, not her. Donttell your friend you wont help heranymore if she returns to her abuser.That is just another form of control andjust makes the situation worse. It is notup to you to punish or condemn whenyou feel the woman has acted foolishlyor made unwise decisions. Instead ofbecoming more punitive andcontrolling, work on controllingyourself and your own feelings.

8. Show her your reality. Remind herof who she used to be before theabusive relationship. Help her movebeyond the distorted perceptions of herabuser. Let her know that she is not theone at fault for her partners abuse.

Page 1

December 1998 FOCUS Newsletterhttp://focusministries1.org

By Brenda Branson 1998 FOCUS Ministries, Inc. P.O. Box 2014, Elmhurst, IL 60126