Post on 17-Oct-2014
description
listen, listen…
Merlijn Hoek flickr
Vince Alongi flickr
listening you may think you’re
seeing? but are you
A master martial artist asked Bruce to teach
him everything Bruce knew about martial
arts
by :: Robee ::, flickr
Bruce held up two cups, both filled with
liquid
The first cup
represents all of your
knowledge about
martial arts.
The second cup
represents all of my
knowledge about
martial arts.
If you want to fill your cup with my
knowledge, you must first empty your
cup of your knowledge. Bruce Lee
imagine you’re sitting on a plane, hoping you don’t get an annoying
seatmate who wants to talk
suddenly, a big guy who
looks eager for
conversation sits down
next to you…
how do you
see this
person?
large plastic bag
grand canyon mute
Aleutian pretzel man
How does this person
see themselves and their
situation?
This wasn’t
Large Plastic Bag
Grand Canyon Mute
Aleutian Pretzel Man this was a real person with a
name and a history and stories
that make him laugh and cry.
He was a who, not a what, just
like me.
Patti Digh Say Hi to Yaron
imagine you’re thinking about (or trying not to think about) the
challenge of poverty in Africa
how do you
see these
people?
flip
your
focus
How do these people
see themselves and
their situation?
I have the power to change my world and
make a better life for my family.
imagine you’re an eager employee preparing to pitch a new initiative
to your Chief Financial Officer (CFO) who has a reputation
as the “VP of No”
how do you
see this
person?
flip
your
focus
How does this person
see themselves and
their situation?
I’ve got a thankless role with the diciest
risk/reward ratio of any job short of a
Navy Seal.
Todd Baker << technowannabe, flickr
How do I see this
person?
How does this person
see themselves and
their situation?
how does flipping your focus
change you and your
approach?
filters take us from all sound
to what we pay attention to
distorting
what we hear
and
creating
our reality
culture
language
labels
values
inner dialog
status
experiences
preconceptions
preoccupations
assumptions
attitudes
intentions
stress
expectations
beliefs
Mykl Roventine flickr
cup empty your
Listening is not an automatic
pilot. It is a conscious
decision… STOP
EVERYTHING YOU’RE
THINKING and listen.
Suspend your own frame of
reference. Focus externally.
Turn off your ego. Quit
thinking everything revolves
around your opinion. Give the
stage in your head to
someone else!
Sunni Brown
Listening is magic: it turns a person
from an object outside, opaque, or
dimly threatening, into an intimate
experience, and therefore into a friend.
In this way, listening softens and
transforms the listener. Norman Fischer
The point is to understand people
deeply – so deeply you could live their
life, walk in their shoes, and make
decisions the way they would. Indi Young
what’s your listening position?
Break into pairs A share why you came “I came to this event because…”
B listen from different positions
I'm bored
I want to be friends
I'm in a hurry
What can I learn from this?
A share your experiences
B share your experiences
Swap and repeat
Listening positions
story everyone has a
be deeply curious
I wonder why they’re
doing that? Saying
that?
listen to what you’re thinking
Gee, that’s a dumb
way of doing it!
stay in the moment
even if they aren’t knowledgeable about what you’re
seeking insight on, the extent of their knowledge or
misinformation is useful
I wonder what's for
dinner tonight?
suspend judgment
That makes no
sense… it takes
forever that way.
be patient
This is pointless. I’m
going to cut it short.
adopt a beginner’s mind
I already know that,
let’s skip over it...
letting go
My idea is really
cool. They just don’t
get it.
be kind
They’re awfully
defensive. I’m not
going to learn
anything...
seek the unknown unknowns
abandon your script
to find the story
dig
beneath
opinion
conjecture
preference
surfacing
the insights
hidden
within their
stories
Stories are the large and small instruments of
meaning, of explanation, that we store in our
memories. Joe Lambert
Stories carry emotional information, hopes,
desires, intentions, and pieces of relevant
information. Seth Kahan
listening 10 tips for mindful
1
yes, that’s the sound of silence (your most
powerful listening tool!)
use body language to show interest with
nonverbal cues 2
smiling
nodding
making eye contact
tilting your head
leaning forward
opening and relaxing your
body posture
relaxing your hands
relaxing and breathing
scragz flickr
avoid frowning
not moving your head
looking away
looking down
glaring
slumping
being stiff
fidgeting
sighing
yawning
use verbal cues to encourage and show
interest 3
echo
priority?
encourage
uh huh
notice keyword
it’s a matter of
priority
draw out
Could you say a bit
more about…
encourage
Interesting
acknowledge
I see
Anything else?
They probably don’t
want hear any more
…
avoiding yes | no prompts
No.
yes | no prompt
yes | no prompts close down conversation, keeping
control with the questioner
control
Would…?
Are…?
Will…?
Do…?
If…?
What else? they must be
interested in
hearing more
Well, the last
time…
<silence>
use open prompts instead
open prompt
hand over control
What…?
Why…?
How…?
When…?
Describe…
Tell me about…
open prompts draw people out
dig deep with WHY 4
I’m not sure why I
was chosen for
this interview.
Because I’m loud. When I wasn’t a supporter I was loud about it…
probably fought it the first 6 months. I think it changed when I got
introduced to favorites. I didn’t have to drill down every single time.
[Name] heard me complaining. He was sitting near me. He came
over and showed me favorites and changed my life.
why (follow the verb)?
Why do you
think you were
chosen?
It’s not a
corporate
priority.
See how many attachments
there are in my Inbox? Lots
from HR. If it was a
corporate priority HR
wouldn’t be sending
attachments.
How do you
know that?
reveals frame abstraction
why did you do it
that way?
hmmm, why do I do it that
way? maybe because…
… I have too much to do,
so I can’t afford the time…
rationalization
but be careful with why prompts because they kick
the rational brain into gear
follow the story!
listen for abstractions or generalizations and
prompt for concrete experience
5
abstraction
Normally I
search…
story
Well, yesterday
<name> called me to
ask for…
probe for specific
experience
When was the
last time you
did that?
Can you give
me an
example?
next? who was involved? …
try to imagine the entire scene
what did you do? how did it end? …
who, what, when, why, how…
were there other
times…?
Tell me about them.
yes
extend the story by exploring themes
elicit more stories explore theme
working down the abstraction
ladder
LH Walker
offer an hypothesis and let them fix your
understanding 6
So you
mean…?
hypothesis
Sounds like you’re saying
that you waste a lot of time
chasing down answers… That’s partly the
reason, but also…
“fix” understanding
let go incorrect
interpretation
paraphrase to show understanding, clarify
misperceptions, and build relationships 7
listen restate (your words)
Sounds like you’re
saying…
mentally summarize
1, 2, 3…
restate (your words)
What I'm hearing
is that you…
be brief, don’t parrot back, convey no judgment, use
YOU
listen for outliers to understand workarounds
and probe for opportunities 8
ah, opportunity!
Well, what
happens is…
set aside assumption
Looks like when you
need to [x], you do [y]
Let’s talk about why you
do that.
assumption
That’s a really odd.
No one else would
ever do that.
listen for and reflect back their words 9
your words
…it’s client
server…
What do you mean,
client server? I’M the
client!
their words
I keep everything
together in client
matter folders
use empathic listening when they share
feelings or show emotion 10
content
feeling
content
feeling
anger fear contempt
surprise happiness sadness
watch for tells in expressions, body language, or tone
frustrated elated angry exhausted awed timid disappointed
honored stressed excited joyous confident nervous depressed fearful
shocked friendship hopeful relaxed torn proud change courageous accepted
delighted success disgusted embarrassed amused happy jealous conviction
pity remorse sad surprised worried unhappy strong stand respect
appreciated distant
reflect feelings,
restate content
you’re feeling upset
because 1, 2, 3…
mentally summarize
1, 2, 3…
listen for feelings
Every day I have
to…
it pisses me
off!
tune into their feelings to increase their comfort and
encourage them to continue
reflect feelings,
restate content
emotion in tone or body
language
The way it was
implemented led to
compartmentalization. If
process had led us, we
would have been much
farther along… It’s the
nature of our work. We
work with x, y, and z.
Makes it difficult to know…
You’re feeling because
you work on projects with other departments. Because it
could belong to any of those departments, you find it difficult
to know where to put things. And when you need to email
someone, you never know if you’re going to have access to
that department’s folder. So you feel that you’re
wasting a lot of time and that things aren’t organized.
frustrated
mentally summarize
1, 2, 3…
Being heard is so
close to being
loved
that for the
average person
they are
almost
indistinguishable. David Augsberger
kelsey_lovefusionphoto flickr
listening test your
Can you tell the story from their
perspective?
Did what you hear challenge your
assumptions? Change your worldview in
any way?
always be listening every question is a drop of clarity in a sea
of change
Sean Rogers1 flickr
practice, practice, practice
build a library of great questions, question
beginnings or prompts
story collector be a
stories reveal what people care about most
stories reveal how people perceive the world
stories point the way to insights
Maybe stories are just data with a soul. Brené Brown
see learn to listen so you can
That it is the most important thing in the universe, that it contains all
the riddle of life and death. It does! You are no longer looking, you are
SEEING… The Zen of Seeing, by Frederick Franck
Neal flickr
Open your eyes and focus on whatever you observed before – that
plant or leaf or dandelion. Look it in the eye, until you feel it looking
back at you. Feel that you are alone with it on Earth!
@joyce_hostyn
jhostyn@opentext.com (email)
www.joycehostyn.com/blog (blog)
knowledge.opentext.com/go/adoption (Adoption Community)
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